Rite of Passage

Its only after the dust settles that you get a clear view of the picture. It was when she smiled at me on that rooftop that I realized she was my one true love. I know that now. But now she's dead and I'm still hurting.

They say it's not the fall that's deadly, but the sudden stop at the end, but even that wasn't enough for me.

I remember holding onto her tightly as the world spun rapidly around us. I remember the sensation of coming to a complete stop. I remember the rush of blood filling my eyes as my skull bashed against the pavement. And then... nothing.

The next thing I see is the unfamiliar ceiling of my hospital room. Someone must have called the police and rushed us to a hospital moments after the fall.

As I woke up, I looked around to see the tubes and monitors coupled to my body. Then I noticed the wraps around my head impeding my vision. And finally, I realized I could no longer feel my legs. It must be residual anesthetic I thought to myself. But that was just an assumption by a fool ignorant of the circumstances surrounding him.

What I did know at the time, beyond the shadow of a doubt, was that I was, in fact, still alive. How funny, for the first time ever, we were finally on the same page, but today would not be the day we met our fate. But it wasn't like we couldn't try again.

The nurse finally came in and found me awake and went to go call the doctor. The doctor soon came in and informed me of all the ways I had destroyed my body. The long and short of it was that it would be some time before I could walk, but I would never be able to see from my left eye again. But that didn't bother me much.

In truth, it all faded into white noise after I heard what he had to say about you.

"You should consider yourself fortunate to be alive. That girl you came in with, she wasn't as fortunate."

"Eh? what? What do you mean? The girl I came in with?"

"Well, it says here you were both found at the foot of an apartment building in a pool of blood. forensics say she died on impact... I am... sorry for your loss."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. For so many insignificant little things, they share a cold indifference and keep to themselves, but when it truly matters, some people just can’t help but to poke their nose where it doesn't belong. How funny, in the same way I tried to keep you from your Thanatos, the world attempted to keep me from mine.

I suppose it's my own fault. I never even considered the possibility of being left behind. I was so eager and willing to go with you. But they would try to shut the door in my face. It was only through you that I discovered myself. That my will to live was merely skin deep.

You were my god of death. So why... why have you forsaken me? You left me behind to pick up the pieces of what was lost. You were the only reason I desired death, my only means of escape was through you, it was through you that I understood myself, it was you that taught me how to turn my back on life. We were supposed to traverse that dawnless night together... but in the end, I was stopped at the door.

But still, my soul belongs to you, you took it with you along with my will to live. And yet... my body remains. And now I have no path. Nowhere I belong. utterly stuck in the lands between life and death. So, what am I supposed to do now?

All this time I've tried to reach you, but they wouldn't let me. And every subsequent attempt would only prolong my stay. Forcing their hand tighter around my neck. Any sign of trouble and the nurses come flying in to impose their desires over mine.

In a way, it was almost like these knights of Eros were sent by gods of death to keep me from entering their domain. No matter how desperately I wanted to get in.

It was a long time before I learned to walk again. And even longer before I had the freedom to go back to that rooftop where I lost you.

As I stood over the edge looking down at the street, I relived that moment over and over in my mind.

That sweet blissful moment of freedom I felt with you in my arms as we flew through the sky. A memory I cherish with all my heart, tarnished by the years that followed.

But now... the wait is finally over. It won’t be much longer before I get to see you. I've already climbed the mountain of trials and tribulations that have led me to this moment...

all that's left to do now...

is to jump...

the frigid air began to numb my fingers the longer I held onto the rail. There wasn't much time left now. I could finally take the leap... there was nothing in the way to stop me now...

so why....

why couldn't I let go...?

what was I waiting for...?

just go!...

My knees trembled as I leaned forward but that only tightened my grip on the rail. Why couldn't I do it?! I asked myself as the tears streamed down my face. "I can’t do this without you!" I screamed.

"WAIT!" a voice emanated from behind me. "Don't do it! Don't jump!"

I turned to see that it was a woman. She was young. No older than you were when we first met. She was short... and pretty. She even looked like you. That same adorable face, the same round eyes, and the same Lucious lips. It was striking how similar you looked. But there was one undeniable difference, unlike yours, her expression was full of hope and aspirations, full of life and happiness.

It filled me with such an unspeakable rage I couldn't possibly put it into words. It was as if the world itself made it its mission to stand in my way. Masquerading itself as you to try and stop me. To continue making a mockery of me. I said nothing to the girl as my legs relaxed and my fingers finally loosed from their death grip on that rail. And so, after years of torment, I finally began to fall.

"Oh, how sweet" I thought, "this sensation of freedom I haven't felt in so long."

But that moment too would be interrupted. That girl, beyond her means, somehow managed to grab a hold of me and keep myself from the abyss I had longed for so long.

"Let go of me."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand! Just mind your own business!"

"No! I do! Because I've been where you are before! and I won’t let you do something you're going to regret! "

The words were a shock to my system. How could someone, with a face as full of hope as hers, have been where I was?

"I saw you from the first floor and I saw myself in you. I wanted to die too... but my knees were quivering the same way as yours. But no one was there to stop me from slipping. As I fell, I realized that it wasn't what I wanted. and I'm sure you'll feel the same way in time."

I then realized,

her face...

it was so full of hope,

because she already knew,

the meaning of despair.

With that context, she could see the world in a different light. With the looming threat of death that befalls us all, she could see the breath of the world for what it was. A waiting room. One where we were all just passing the time until our scheduled appointment. But that wasn't me.

"This isn't the first time I've done this, you know. when I first tried this... I felt no remorse, no fear, nor regret. Only freedom. I have no idea how you feel."

"Then let me show you" she said with a smile so defiant of her past. And that's when I remembered something I had forgotten. a conversation I had with you in our final moments.

"It’s done, my job is finally done" you said as your blood stained the sidewalk. "My work is finished, but yours has just begun, I'm sorry my love, but it’s a rite of passage. We must all prove ourselves loyal to Thanatos.”

and all at once, it all made sense to me. Why I wasn't allowed to go. Why I survived and she didn’t. This girl... she was my right of passage.

"Alright then, show me." let us see what comes from this.