A Shadow to Moonlight

 “I apologize that I’m asking this of you once again.” Jupa is apologetic as she hands off the meal she’d prepared.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine, of course. I’d promised Khiron that I would check on Juna. This will be killing two birds with one stone.” Celine takes the dish into her hands and offers Jupa a smile in return. “And besides; it’ll make me feel much more at ease if I can confirm that she’s eating it myself.”

Jupa had offered her own little smirk in return, knowing how coy Celine was playing. It had always been plain to see just how much she cares for Juna. Though try as she might to keep to her maidly etiquette without dropping frame, she understands that Celine wouldn’t be fooled by any front she could put up. So she expels a sigh and lets her mask drop from her face.

“I’m thankful. I would do it myself if I could, but Juna…”

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay. She wasn’t exactly in a good place then. She didn’t mean to do what she had.”

“I hadn’t had the opportunity to have met her before all of this had started, but I know how much she means to master. And master means to much to her so I know… how she’d might think of me.”

“Well, there’s very good reason why Khiron is so fond of her. It isn’t just from all of the time they’ve shared together. She’s a wonderful person. There’s far more to her than she’s been showing lately.”

“With how you speak of her, I get the feeling that you know them both so well. It’s only been a few weeks but I suppose that’s all thanks to the kind of person you are.”

“You… could say that.” Celine attempts to raise up a bright expression but the results come up a touch too strained. “But I get the feeling that maybe someday soon you’ll get to see her for who she truly is. And I’ll play my part to make sure you get to see that day.”

“You really are such a kind person.” A little giggle floats from Jupa and returns a more peaceful demeanor to her. “It makes me so curious as to why you seem to save all of your ire for my master.”

Though Celine is nearly quick to spill out her thoughts, she slams a shutter down and nearly chokes. A pink finding her cheek and grazing it with the arrows that were Jupa’s words of admiration.

“I’m not kind at all. I’m just selfish… Don’t mistake me for some… softy.” She takes a casual glance back towards Jupa and finds a rather sly and self assured smirk now curling her lip. “He just deserves it is all. He’s an idiot. An absolute moron!”

“I’ve now been informed.” Her smug look is unshakable. “For an idiot, I think he knows more than he ever lets on. Perhaps they’d taught him in his old academy classes that you should always appear as meek as you can when you are mighty. Less can most certainly be more.”

“Y-You don’t really think that, do you?” A tiny kindling of panic sets with Celine. “You’re just praising him because you’re his help, aren’t you?”

“Who knows for sure? I’d just think that with your own sharp eyes discerning the truth of it all would come naturally to you.”

“Right…”

“Though this dish is best eaten while it’s still hot. I’d recommend that you’d get it to its recipient shortly.”

“That would be for the best.”

With the precision suited for the fine maid she is, Jupa lowers herself into a graceful bow before elegantly turning and making her way back to her duties. But a stirring in her heart makes it unbearable for Celine to leave her last thoughts unspoken.

“Before you go…” Jupa twists again with a trained flourish. “Thank you for caring for Juna even after what had happened.”

“But of course.” With a cute tilt of her head, she reveals even more of her elegance. “It’s all my honor and duty to watch over those in my care.”

She reconvenes her way. As Celine watches her go, she knows too well what she’d truly meant to convey with her refined etiquette. And sometimes there’s more power in what remains unspoken.

✩ ✩ ✩

Breaching her room, Celine thanks her blessings that of all the maidens, Juna happened to be most receptive towards her. Though when she gives it a passing reasoning while handing her the plate, she wonders if that is simply due to the fact that she had been little else than adversarial to Khiron. Though she lets the thought perish as a more pertinent matter has arrived.

Seating herself at Juna’s side on the bed, she takes a subtle sidelong glance to find that her disheveled appearance persists. Given how despaired she’s been, it’s likely that she’s hardly done anything other than lay down in her bed for all this time. Celine sighs in relief on the inside when she sees Juna beginning to eat from her plate.

“I wonder if she knows who’d prepared this. Maybe if she did she would rather throw it out the window. Best keep it a secret.”

There’s barely any genuine interaction between her and Juna for a minutes at a time. Though Celine doesn’t mind it so much, she still has a feeling riding on her heart that she can’t suffer to ignore. With a beat for breath, she twists to face her depressed friend.

“Khiron went to Pride today.” She starts and gives a pause go for effect before picking up. “When he was on his way I’d just so happened to have seen him passing by your door. He had this look on his face…”

It would be by first instinct that she would give elaboration. Yet as she’s privy to the emotional makeup of her partner, she’s quick to drop the topic altogether.

“When he’d walked by, he’d said that he’d be coming back for you.”

Despite her dour condition, Juna had been reliable to continue eating up to this point. But at the mention of Khiron’s word, she halts all that she’s doing on the instant. Knowing she’d found her target, Celine moves forward with greater confidence.

“I know that as he’s there, while he’s doing whatever it is he needs to, you’re on his mind.”

The small clatter of Juna’s fork touching down to her plate sounds. With a troubled indecision, she at last reveals her eyes full of swaying emotion to Celine. Caught up in their madder rose color, her softer core is pricked and she finds herself on the dangerous precipice of reflecting her sorrow. With a deeper temperance, she withholds.

“Juna, you’ve been here for so long. You’ve been holding yourself away into yourself. I’m sorry if that’s blunt to say, but that’s how it’s been for a long time. It’s just… I want to know what you’ve been thinking. Whatever you’ve had on your shoulders, I’ll listen to any of it if you’d let me.”

To start, Juna’s movements betray her and make it clear how much of a struggle she is thrust into with such clear honesty. Though she knows she’s discomforted her, Celine bites the bullet and rides it out, knowing that at times you have to cross the line and disturb the lost lest they wander into deeper darkeness.

It takes a visible mustering of courage from Juna to well up anything she can use to keep herself straight. But after more than a dozen seconds, she manages to pull through.

“I’d killed him, Celine. I’d killed Khiron with my own hands.”

Celine witnesses Juna peering down to her palms which shake where they rest. She looks to them as if they were the most cursed objects on the face of the earth.

“I was… stupid. I’d let all of my anger get to my head. I’d wanted to show that judge that she was wrong for what she’d said. Everything. Even if I was so angry, so furious at all of it, a part of me wondered if she was right. That my dreams were complete nonsense that should be discarded and thrown away.”

She begins to clutch her fists tightly, their cursed faces hidden and now filled with destructive rage.

“I don’t know why I did it, but I’d just felt the need to run away and get it over with. I’d thought about whether or not I’d die but I threw it all away. Even though that spell… requires complete emotional control.”

Celine’s eyes widened at Juna’s admission. At once the realization had begun to dawn on her even if all of the intricacies went unspoken.

“When Khiron became the Celestial Knight, I was overjoyed. It was finally his time to shine after everything he’d been through, how much pain he’d endured…” Her pause is labored, intense. “Khiron has a… sickness. I’ve known about it for so long but I was selfish back when too. I put all of my burdens, all of my emotions onto him and expected him to walk with them while handling all of his own lot. It cruelty.”

The intensity of her recollection increases as now Juna’s shoulders begin to shake. The anger she feels for herself is palpable to Celine. Painfully so as her own heart begins to sting with a cold edge of irreconcilable frustration.

“I’d made a mistake long ago. I was full of this heartache, this fear, and I pushed him away so coldly. But at the same time I’d wanted him to stay. I’d pushed him here and there even though all he’d wanted was to be there for me. It went to the point where he didn’t even know what to do. He was terrified of making the wrong choice and hurting me. It wasn’t fair for him.

“I’d harmed myself on accident and yet he was still there and treated the injury the best he could. The next day he’d told me the truth. That he was afflicted with a… sickness. It all became so clear to me at that moment. There were so many times when he would seem to be so strained but would continue soldiering on. At times it looked like he was in the most incredible pain, but he bit it back and endured.”

As her tale progresses, her tears begin to grow. Though those tears were always hidden from Celine, Juna had turned away from her and faced towards the wall. More than needing it, she takes a long pause to regain her composure.

“His illness, I’d learned, is lifelong and he’d always struggled with it. But after that day, I’ve heard nearly nothing more about it. I just know that he’s in pain and he’s always working at his bet to overcome it. After what I’d done, I understand and I don’t fight it. I know he’s afraid that I’d end up hurting him too. My actions brought him so much fear. He just always does his best to stay strong through everything. He doesn’t want to burden me with it.”

Her sleeve takes up her tears quickly but she remains with her back to Celine.

“When I’d been told that my dream would never come, I’d thought about that too. That maybe I would end up hurting him after all. And I’d messed up so bad. I’d ended up repeating that old pattern that I’d thought had vanished so long ago. But I was so angry. My own self image was hurt and… And when I learned the truth of his work…!”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anymore about that.” Celine had gently laid her hand on Juna’s shoulder. “I… can understand too well…”

“In all of this, I haven’t truly been supportive of him and I made it near impossible for him to help me at this point. I promised him that I would be there through everything no matter what and now that that time has come, what have I done? I’d taken his life. Even if it was on accident, it was the same as those times. Lashing out, I hurt him.”

Celine gives her time for silence. To take another breath to still the tumultuous emotions that are raging a storm inside of her. She waits until the feeling in her heart to make a move comes and she acts upon it without missing a note.

“Khiron cares about you deeply. Deeper than you may even know. He would be more than willing to pick himself up and continue on. Maybe he’s told you himself, but I really believe that even this much is fine to him. What he desires more than anything is that you would be happy. That’s why he went through everything he could to get you to your dream. Even to the point of assisting with a raid on a criminal group.”

Celine lets her hand fall from her shoulder and to Juna’s back where she gently caresses her to soothe away whatever pain she may.

“If you were in his shoes, you would have done all the same, wouldn’t you?”

“…Yes.” Her response comes through a small hiccup.

“I’m going to be forward on this. If you want to look at it this way, whatever way helps you to start fighting all of this, then think to yourself that you’re in his debt. Though false as that may be in actuality, it might be true to your feelings. Do what you can to repay that debt in your own heart because I think you owe yourself for this ‘sin’ more than anything.

“You can start by being there when he comes back today. And he will. And he’ll want to see you more than anyone else.”

Yet more silence for thought comes to Celine. It’s the clear to continue.

“What both of you have… is amazing. I only wish I could have ever had everything that the two of you did. It’s beyond special. It’s a once in a lifetime bond that you wouldn’t ever want to miss out on because of this lack of forgiveness you have for yourself. Please trust me when I say this, even if I’m on the outside looking in.”

Juna nods her head gently and Celine finds herself at ease to see her acceptance.

“You can make a good decision for both of you and meet him halfway. The past may have happened but you have all the power now to make up for it and change all of what’s to come. He misses you so much… Juna.”

Having spoken her heart, Celine sighs deeply, taken by the feelings and mood that has filled the room. Though it was heavy with self loathing and a maddening angst before, she can rest easy that there is now a sense of hope and ease somewhere in all of the mire.

“I’m not one that is… all that good at showing how I feel through words and that sort of thing. It’s hard to put feelings out for another. I only wish I could send others my feelings as they are and it would be an ideal world if they were accepted for what they are…”

Her thought tapers off, her embarrassment finding its way to nearly sabotage the train moving northward. Though nonetheless, she toughens up and commits herself to her next action.

Juna flinches lightly as she feels Celine’s arms surround her. But their gentle and caring touch quickly melts away all the apprehension she’d felt. She accepts it in as a first step towards a better future. Placing her hand atop Celine’s in a moment of solidarity, she lets it all in the door to her heart.

✩ ✩ ✩

“I’ll be back if you need me.” Celine tells Juna as a half question waiting response.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll get up and do something.” She responds and takes a beat before Celine can depart. “But, Celine… could you draw me a bath? I’m a mess, aren’t I? If I’m going to meet Khiron after his first successful day, I want to make myself at least pleasant to look at.”

“I will. You always look wonderful as you are.” She smiles to Juna warmly on her way out.

✩ ✩ ✩

Juna had taken a long time to soak in all of the warmth of the water to thaw her heart and body that had been chilled for far too long. While she was there, all of her thoughts ran wild. To Khiron and his well being, to what she should do from here, to whether or not her dream to be a mage knight would ever come true.

But it all came together with a final understanding.

“Even if I’m never a mage knight, I know I have another dream that’s greater than that. I always have.”

She slides her nose deep into the water as she becomes flustered. It’s powerful beyond words, the feeling she finds teeming in her heart as she at last accepts a deeper part of herself she had kept hidden away even to her own eyes.

“My greatest dream… I want to be his bride. To be together forever with him.”

The heat of her embarrassment proves too great as it brings her skin to burn in the warmth of the tub. She raises herself from it and steps out before the mirror. But as she sweeps her hand across its foggy glass, she has for herself a quick double take towards her own reflection.

“Has my hair always been this long?”