The Pyre Of Eros

A dim glow flickered slowly.

Not with any sort of uniformity.

Only the chaos of a consciousness grows to life.

It felt as though the origin was behind my eyelids.

It annoyed me.

But only a little.

For the most part, it was warm.

With every microscopic increment, it became warmer, with just a touch of irritation.

It was like staying in bed on a Sunday morning. One glorious stream of light escaped a break in the curtains. The car horns reverberated from a distant road, talking amongst themselves. No compelling reason to actually continue sleeping. Only resting with eyes closed. An arm outside the warm confines of a blanket, regulating the temperature in an atmosphere that could never last.

The mind can't help but get in the way.

Where am I?

What do I have to do today?

Why does my curtain always seem to end up with a slight opening by the end of every night?

Why is this warmth starting to annoy me?

Why is my hand so cold?

There's an itch growing that I can't seem to scratch from this side of my eyelids.

Why can't I move?

"You could move if you really wanted to."

A voice?

"And you do want to."

I could hear it without hearing it. Vibrating through my being.

"You still have time."

Time to what?

"First I need to ask you a question."

Ask away, it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere.

"You'll move on sooner than you think. One way or another."

What's the question?

"What do you value most in life?"

That's easy. My favourite person in the world.

The answer was so obvious it escaped without a thought.
But it occurred to me that I had forgotten you existed right up until the end of the question.
Maybe that's what was annoying me.

I don't wanna leave you behind.

But where are you?

Where am I on the way to?

How could I forget you in the first place?

My hand is so cold.

You would always get up early on Sunday. A ghost by the time I opened my eyes. I wondered where you went, but you refused to tell me whenever I asked. You always left your car behind and came back before the sunset, so I figured you just liked going on long walks by yourself.

But you always looked a little down when you got back.

One Sunday lying in bed I surveyed the day's new break in the curtain. Just as I began to feel the irritation of that warm growth I had an idea. I'd make a huge late breakfast just in time for your return. You always had a sweet tooth, so I knew exactly what to make.

I heard you open the door right as I was finishing up, so I walked out to meet you. I had to get out of bed earlier than I usually would to have it ready in time, but it was worth it.

"Are you hungry?"

I already knew the answer. You'd ask me the same thing every Sunday when you came back, and then order food for both of us. You definitely weren't going on long walks to the bakery.

Before you could ask what I meant I grabbed your hand and led you to the kitchen.

I'll never forget your reaction.

Standing tall in front of you was a giant stack of peanut butter pancakes dripping with honey. A mirror image of the stack stood on the other side of the table. Every space around them was filled with various bowls, dishes and containers. There was everything from chocolate chips to blueberries. The only thing that wasn't sweet was the bacon.

Once you'd taken everything in you turned to me with a bigger smile than your stack of pancakes. I'd never seen you look so happy on a Sunday.

You lunged towards me holding my cheeks and kissing me over and over again. Then you got closer and hugged me for a long time.

I felt you tremble in my arms, but you only held me tighter.

I felt your face get wetter up against mine, but you didn't make a noise.

I felt you didn't want me to know you were crying.

I'm not sure how long we held each other for.


Just as suddenly as you lunged at me you sat down and started piling toppings onto your stack.

It was hilarious.

Your face was a mess, but you didn't care at all.

It only got messier when you started eating.

For a while, all I could do was watch you. Then you stopped and looked up at me.

"Aren't you hungry?"

I smiled as I sat down with you.

That's how it was from then on.

I greeted you with breakfast at the end of every Sunday.

How could I ever forget you?

"You're just a little confused."

The voice again.

"I have another question for you."

Shoot.

"How do you feel right now?"

I'm getting really warm.

Like someone started a fire in my chest.

It's almost uncomfortable.

Everything except my hand.

I'm forgetting something important.

This week's Sunday.

Then I burst into flames.

I woke up slightly confused. It was one of those days when the entire world turned grey. Like time had stopped. The precise laser beam that usually split the curtains was missing, and for a few moments, I wasn't sure if I'd slept all afternoon by accident. Leaking through the gap in its place was that sterile grey steadily filling up the room. On days like these, I felt like I was the last person left alive. Like I was truly alone.

It was probably just raining.

I couldn't hear it, so I got up and walked over to the curtains.

As I pulled them apart a piece of folded card was dragged off the windowsill.

It fell to the floor before I could catch it.

Landing face up.

I looked down at it once, and never even thought to pick it up.

"Goodbye."

I raced outside grabbing my keys on the way.

As much as I couldn't understand what was happening everything made sense.

The rain came down softly, but I must've caught every drop as I sprinted towards my car.

I thought I was doing what I could, but it wasn't enough.

I started the engine and reversed down my driveway like an insane person.

It didn't take long until I started to see that same sadness creep back into our Sundays. Of course breakfast wasn't enough, but I had no idea how bad things were.

Even still you looked happy when you were eating my pancakes.

Thankfully it was still early, but my heart was in my throat. With every thump, it got harder to breathe.

Your car was parked where it always was, but you could've been anywhere.

I had no idea where to start, so I turned onto the main road.

That's when I saw you.

As I hurtled down the road I passed right by you.

You were just standing there staring into the traffic.

Completely soaked like you'd been there for hours.

I looked into your eyes, and you looked straight through me.

Then you disappeared behind.

It took everything in my power not to slam on the brakes.

I pulled over the first place I could and jumped out running.

I gave everything I had to be louder than the rain and the cars.

I thought you'd snap out of it if you just heard my voice.

I was so close when you turned your head.

You were a ghost when you saw me.

Like you were floating away.

Like you'd never get another chance if I caught you.

Like I could still save you if I got there in time.

As long as I never made it, you were safe.

You were on a path that was invisible to me, but even you didn't see the truck that hit us.

It was a strange feeling.

I was burning alive, but I couldn't move.

My entire being was a searing pain.

Behind my eyelids, running through my veins, my skin was fire.

Everything but my hand.

The only thing that made it bearable.

It felt like you weren't so far away anymore.

"I have one last question."

My answer is yes.

"Even if..?"

I want to wake up.

"Then it's all up to you."

I opened my eyes once again to that frozen grey world.

I thought I saw something like relief in your eyes for a split second, and then nothing.

The only thing left was your hand in mine.