The Darkness Within Us

In Adanita's opinion, the lunch was perfectly pleasant. Rosamund seemed to have recovered if not all, then at least most of his strength. His little brother was behaving, too. Despite her having a newfound aversion towards Bretonian noble mages, she enjoyed the polite chat that they had. She'll have to get Teo to tell him what he was soon, the two had to get to work as soon as they were both done with their most pressing matters - the organization of the school and the building of the teleportation circle.

Anyway, the most important thing was that Lord Governor was feeling better, and her mood also improved. A walk around the city alone would make her uneasy again, none of the people currently present needed her presence, so the next thing to do was simply relax. Maybe try to read some of those materials Nivelir pulled up for her. Or go for a walk, explore the manor a bit, frightened servants be damned. If she had been as bloodthirsty as to attack people while visiting under a parlay, Rosamund would have long since been dead.

Well. He was.

No, no dark thoughts. Not now. She was now older and wiser, at least in theory. At least some of the numerous sins of her past were erased. She marched onwards down the hallways.

If it didn't happen, then it didn't happen, despite her knowing it did. She was running in circles around herself, while that man moved on. He clearly believed her story, and he moved on. If he could, then what was holding her back? Is it a - how did he say - belated reaction to everything? Contrary to the tall tales she and Teo shared with their public in this manor, piracy wasn't a heroic or dramatic ordeal. She stuck to the Codex so desperately because she thought that maybe, just maybe, she won't be as much of a monster as the scum that did as they pleased. It was reining in the constant fire that was burning her from inside out. She was no stranger to violence, and these rules were what kept her swords swinging at the right people. Feeling sorrow now was... hollow. Pathetic, even. She just had to toss it far away, and keep going.

And what of Rosamund, then? He also had his rules and he followed them. Hells, the idea to break them snapped him in half. Did he seem any less principled because of it? No, on the contrary. He was swept up by the currents of his own people and now, for the first time, he was swimming. Fighting back. So, why is it that he gets a pass in her eyes? Because he was her ally? Or because every move he did simply was unmistakably his? Her head was hurting.

She didn't want to be who she would have become without her laws.

Lord Governor did not become what his laws demanded of him.

Then... the issue was a broken system? Was she in any position to judge it, anyway? Despite the fact it had killed her once, she had no interest in Bretonia. She wanted to live somewhere where they'd never be able to reach her twice. The safety of her and her people shouldn't be too high of an ask. What if the price is death, again? How many deaths and whose, until she'd stop trying? In his own quiet way, Rosamund was uncompromising. It was just another thing she needed to learn from him. His quiet anger, unshakeable self-control, patience, intellect, competence, experience. She could not compare to him in any way.

She finally stopped walking, taking a deep breath. She already comforted Rosamund today. She didn't need him to speak with her when he was also barely keeping it together. And besides, what would she tell him? It was all jumbled nonsense, slowly receding as she walked up to the window to clear her head. She could see some guardsmen working out on the training grounds below. Should she join them? She could use a bit of a workout. But that would just invite more hostility. She successfully drained herself. She can face these people at some later date, when she feels more prepared.

She felt quite cowardly for someone who broke into the Governor's bedroom just a few hours ago. At that time, she was just angry that Lilac dared to tell her she wasn't allowed to visit. She didn't really stop to think about the consequences of getting caught, to be honest. In fact, the possibility that Rosamund wouldn't want to see her occurred to her only after he already started waking up, and by then it was too late to reconsider. In either case, he seemed happy she was there. That cold, closed off face showed some emotion. Getting to that point was a rare treat. If it took the promise of a horizon to reach it, she was willing to promise him the whole sky.

He took her hand. How was she supposed to take it? The only reason he didn't notice how red she was in the face was because he was too busy looking outside. Or, possibly, pretending to. She only held his hand because he looked like he was completely losing his grip on reality, she was just about to let go when he - For gods sakes, she was acting like a child.

"Hello."

Adanita jumped, hands instinctively grabbing her swords. "Oh," she said. "It's you."

"It would appear so," Lilac said. He didn't seem the least bit concerned with her display, nor the fact she didn't yet relax her grip. "Have you finally come down from the clouds? How's the weather?"
"How long have you been here?" she asked in return.
"The entire time. I called out to you after lunch. You ignored me, and I've decided to follow you to see how long it takes for you to notice me." What a smug smile. She took her hands off her swords with conscious effort.

"I apologize. It seems I have been lost in thought. What do you need me for?"
"To run some tests on you. One of my jobs is to figure out what happened to you, is it not?"
"I thought that the teleportation circle takes precedence."
"Not when my poor brother is toiling away to find evidence of foul play. Or, whatever it is he's looking for." He waved it off. "I won't work to bring the deadline of the envoy's arrival any closer if he needs the time. They can jump into the sea and swim from Bretonia for all I care." He turned around and started walking. Adanita decided to follow.

"What kinds of tests?" she asked after a few moments.
"I can't say I know for sure. You are my first case of... whatever happened. Finding out will certainly be an interesting way to pass the time."
Suddenly, she imagined herself in a dimly lit cell, tied to the table, with this miniature Honorable picking her apart to see what makes her tick. She shuddered. Maybe she should wait for someone to come along... No. Rosamund walked around her city on his own because she promised him safety. It was downright rude to doubt his word when he had so much faith in hers. And besides, this annoying little twat wasn't the Duchess, despite them both having the unfortunate magical disposition. "And if I disagree with your methods?" she asked.
"Well I can't quite force you without both of us getting mauled beforehand, can I?" he brightly said.
Fair enough. Despite the fact that Lilac was unarmed, she tightly gripped her cutlasses as they entered the room that served as his workshop.

First of all, there was no zweihander in sight, magic or mundane. She somewhat relaxed, but not by much. His shelves and cabinets were filled to the brim with strange bottles and containers, and there were a few notebooks he carefully kept out of the way of his experiments. The windows were boarded up from the inside. His secrecy reminded her of Teo somewhat, as did his organized mess of a workshop. Perhaps this was just how the mages were.
"Have a seat," he said, closing the door behind her.
The table she dreaded in her imagination really was there, but thankfully, it seemed there were no belts on it. After Lilac removed another experiment from it, she decided to allow herself to sit down. Still wary, but he probably won't try anything, right? It would be against Rosamund's wishes. If he tries, she decided to take it as a free pass to retaliate.

Lilac began to prepare, dressing himself in his work coat and gloves. She watched him work in silence and mild curiosity. The two brothers had the same gray eyes, and that was about the end of their similarity in appearance. Rosamund's face was longer, while Lilac's was round. Rosamund was taller, his shoulders were broader, and his build was stronger than his lean, more elegant brother. From previous experience, however, she knew that lean figure hid some sinewy muscles, fit for his weapon of choice. Lilac's hair was short and practical. Clearly he was more used to working in his laboratory than socializing with the other elites. Perhaps Rosamund's social prowess and Lilac's lack of thereof caused their fashion choices, too. Lilac dressed in far more simple and practical clothes, though they were still more expensive than what most people could afford. There was a certain chill hiding under his fiery temper, she got a feeling he didn't care much for people except his family. Meanwhile, Rosamund's cold and calm facade was hiding a soft warmth and kind personality. No, that was unfair. Rosamund didn't get to his position of a Governor without being ruthless when time called for it, she was sure. Not without being as cutthroat as other nobles she had the misfortune of meeting before.

She wondered if Lilac's personality partially came from having Rosamund for his brother. It was probably difficult to have everybody compare you to someone as exceptional as him.

She instead decided to compare him to... himself. The man she had the misfortune of meeting had unkept hair that reached his shoulders. His eyes were bloodied from lack of sleep, and it seemed that the only reason he looked borderline presentable in the court was because there were servants who would care for him. His arms, she had noticed during the duel, were full of scars that were now missing, and his hands were full of blisters from practice. He was even skinnier than the man before her; his sunken cheeks and dark circles around his eyes gave him quite a deathly look. His words were barely coherent, his eyes unfocused. The fire that burned in his eyes now lit up only after they both took their weapons in hand.

No, she realized. It wasn't a duel they had.

It was his suicide.


Lilac approached her with a light in hand, which he shone into her eyes. She tolerated his ineffective attempts at blinding her only because he had nothing else with him. He closely observed her eyes, then her face, then had her grin to see her teeth. He finished by pulling up her sleeves to have a look at her arms and hands.
"No evidence of substance abuse," he said. "You may want to cut down on drinking a bit, though."
She was trying to contain herself from boiling over. Lilac and Rosamund truly were brothers, and pissing her off ran in the family. "Thank you for the vote of confidence," she snarled. "Did you think a hallucination from drugs would have me learn of your secret projects?"
"No, but that little pest of yours could have. Rose informed me they are dressing up as a servant now, sneaking about wherever they like. I think they were in my workshop yesterday to serve me tea."
Is anything missing? No, that was not the question to ask. "Lord Governor gave his permission," she said.
"Still, who knows where they have been before. They make me quite paranoid, I upgraded my locks just for them."
"I will be sure to let them know. So what's next? It wasn't drugs, will it be insanity?"
"If you are insane, you are very good at hiding it," he said bluntly. "I'd crack your skull open to check, but I'm afraid Rose would take issue with that." He gave her a smug, sarcastic smile. For a moment, it made him look identical to Rosamund.
"Rest assured I would also take issue," she said, showing her teeth in a grin. "In fact, we might just make it a contest to see who cracks whose head first. It would be quite a learning experience."
"Heh. At least you have a sense of humor, Captain."

He turned around and went to write in his notebook. Adanita breathed out, relaxing. Rude man. She needed to keep herself in check.
"What will you do next?" she asked.
He ignored her question. "How did you get Rose to tell you about his past?" he asked instead, crossing his arms.
"I asked him about it," she said.
"You asked him if he lived another life previously?"
"Why yes, is that not the first thing you ask whenever you meet someone?"
"Sarcasm isn't appreciated among nobility."
"And jealousy looks bad on just about anyone."
He let out a quiet snarl, but he didn't look like he was about to get aggressive. Hah.

"He simply told me," she said. "On his own. It was his decision to make. And then I asked more questions. Say, do you know what his name used to be?"
"Of course I do. Did he not tell you?" He smirked at her frown. "Oh goodness, who's jealous now?"
"Hah! Can't we get back to whatever you were planning to do?"
"Not quite yet, no. I am currently more interested in your vision. Tell me again what happened to me after you murdered Rose?"
"Killed!" she corrected him immediately. "It was not a murder. Not him."
"Pardon me, but my brother is generally not mad enough to entertain a duel to the death."

She tightly gripped the edge of the table, until her knuckles were white. For a moment, the reality seemed to shift back into that other, wrong time. No. She could not allow her sins to take over - not in front of this man.

"Must I talk about this with you?"

"Yes." Was that a smidge of empathy in his voice? He also seemed to step away from the question, letting it go for now. "What happened to me?"
No accusations this time. She rubbed her face, to bring herself back. "You married Duchess Almukantarat," she said. "And then you challenged me to a duel. To the death, this time. And I killed you."
"Why did I marry her?" he asked, not hiding away the anger.
"I don't know."
"How do you not- did my parents force me?! I would never have done such a thing on my own! Did she somehow convince everyone that's the best course of action?! What happened to me?!"

"I don't know!"

He picked up an empty glass beaker and slammed it into the door of his workshop. It exploded into a thousand pieces while the man was barely managing to keep himself under control. Another piece of glassware followed it, and then another, before he let out a loud, primal shout. His anger subsided as quickly as it came, sudden as the tides. Adanita felt strange watching this display as an outsider. She felt as if Rosamund would be able to handle this situation better, not her. Was it like a festering wound, that needed to be cut to heal? Or did he need someone to gently calm him?

Hah. Just do what you do best.

"He- well, you. I barely recognized you when I saw you. Your hair had began graying in those two years you've spent with her. You lost a lot of weight, and looked thoroughly insane," she said. "Whatever the reason was, it led to your suffering. Lord Governor seems to generally hold your family in high regard, so I doubt they'd do it on purpose. She is a master manipulator, so she probably orchestrated it herself, somehow."

His shoulders were trembling, she noticed. Was he about to have another outburst? His aggression was so far aimed towards his things, and he seemed to have enough self-control to not break anything but empty glass. He wasn't going to attack her, probably.

He tried to speak, but his voice cracked at first. He cleared his throat before trying again. "She proposed to me once, you know?"
"I didn't know. Why did you turn her down, aside from her being a lunatic?"
He let out a joyless laugh. "I'd turn down anyone and everyone. I cannot marry."
She raised an eyebrow.
"I have no love in my heart for anyone. The thought of having an heir repulses me, and the idea of sharing a bed with anyone makes me want to jump out of my skin. Whatever the other me you think you saw in your dream has been through - that was not me. I. Cannot. Marry."
"Your brother will protect you," she said.
"She killed him once, did she not? To ruin us all and to get her hands on me - she killed him because of me."
She stopped him before his anger could reach his critical point. "And I will protect him. I won't allow him to die again." Never again.

She watched in silence as he was forcing himself under control. Deep breaths that grew slower and slower as his shivering was receding finally led to him calming down. Adanita realized she was also stiff, and slowly relaxed her shoulders.

It had passed.

He finally turned around to face her again. "Now, regarding the tests," he said brightly. "I actually have no idea what to do with you. I'd like some samples of you, though. Blood, or perhaps hair?"
"What do you mean no idea?" she objected. He can't have her hair if she doesn't know what he'll do with it! He could curse her! Or something!
"Well, Rose can see magic, and since he doesn't see anything on you, I am perplexed. Perhaps it's something deep in your body or brain, so your skin shields it from his view... but, again, cracking your skull open would be poor form, would it not? Hospitality, and all that nonsense."
Somebody was avoiding a challenge. "Then what were you planning to do?" she asked.
He sighed dramatically, raising his arms in a shrug. "For now, I'd say let's confirm that his eyes are not playing tricks on him. I have two testing circles prepared, one for magic and one for a divine miracle. If your blood-"
"Hair!"
"Fine, if your hair doesn't react to either of the circles, then the conclusion is that you are either mad, lying, or a mysterious third option where I should cut you up into little pieces to see what makes you tick." He picked up a pair of scissors and happily snipped the air with them a few times.

Is this the mysterious hysteria, a disease she heard afflicts only nobles? She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying her best not to punch the man in the face. Rosamund would be sad, she told herself. She would be happy, though. So, which outweighs which?

She grabbed Lilac's wrist when he approached her head with scissors, and he stopped her fist with his free hand when she tried to punch his stomach.

Right.

This twig was evenly matched with her. Actually offensive. Gods, she wanted to duel him. Or at least slap him across the room.

"Give the scissors to me," she said instead of a challenge, although he deserved it. "How much do you need?"
"Two short locks should be enough."
Short was all she had. She took the scissors and cut her hair. She did it on her own usually, anyway.
"You are not particularly devout, are you?" he asked, taking it and returning to the other desk, with two pieces of paper unfurled. Both had magical circles drawn on them.
"Not in the least."
"Then this won't take long. Surely it's not divine."

He put an equal amount of hair on both circles. If he did anything to the first circle, she hadn't seen it. He only held his hands on the both of the sides, and nothing happened whatsoever.

"Not magic!" he brightly said. "And now, the divine intervention-"

He didn't get to finish that thought. As soon as he placed his hands on the paper, it burst into - this wasn't fire. This was just pure, burning darkness that erupted from the paper. The vile glow was sucking out the light in the room, turning the paper into ash, burning the desk, the stone walls and the ceiling. Shocked, Lilac stepped away, and the flame was sucked back into itself, before it exploded. Lilac flew across the room and hit the cabinets with enough force to crack the magically reinforced glass doors. The magic circles within the glass briefly flashed, visible even to her, and went out.

Whatever had happened, it was now over. It left behind a disgusting, pungent smell of sulfur, and dark marks on the walls where the flames have touched it. The blast didn't affect her, she was far enough, so she got off the table to see if Lilac was alright. Thank the gods, he was awake and lucid. He stared at her in pale shock, and deep, absolute terror.