Chapter 1:

But Not Me

But Not Me

Glittering stars of light danced like multiple shooting stars across what I thought was a night sky. Each dot in the horizon sparkled so brightly that the endless field of dandelions and white roses around my feet glowed up. It’s as if they had come to life in a way I’ve only dreamed of; a darkness so beautiful I lost sight of why I was even here.


I bit my tongue and blinked twice, looking around to confirm what had happened. A glance at my immediate (and gorgeous) surroundings had me raise an eyebrow. Another gaze down at my own body, standing in the middle of this otherwise luster field, had me further on tilt. On top of that, the clothes I donned were all black and “outdoorsy.”

Is this a vivid dream?

It was rather difficult to come to my senses with a shining clear night sky above me, resembling a galaxy-like pattern of stars.

No way is this real. Where even am I and how do I get back?!

Only a minute ago was I fumbling around in bed, waiting for my next depressing work day to arise. A cruel reality crashing in my face needed a good night’s sleep to prepare, after all. Yet unless I popped in some melatonin beforehand, I often suffered from sleep paralysis - the monster would come to haunt me a few times a week at minimum. To put a cherry on top, I dealt with minor insomnia, so my boss would always see eye bags on my face in the office.

But this was no sleep paralysis - at least I didn’t think so.

I stepped forward slowly to the horizon; the endless glitter was consistent and so bright that it rivalled my bedroom light. But why was I here and for what purpose? Just let me fall asleep already.

My eyes widened upon seeing the only thing that wasn’t a rose or dandelion just further down the field: a shiny object with a long yet pointy end. Its metal surface flashed extensively, reflecting the daring night sky full of sparkling stars.

Only a few more steps confirmed my guess. Why is a knife sticking out in a field of flowers?

I strolled to the knife with both hands stuffed in the pocket of my black hoodie. The endless dots of light didn’t grow any closer but further, which had me tilting my head in confusion. Why were the stars running away as I approached the knife, which seemed to blacken the closer I got?

Wait! So that’s what this is about!

Staring at the knife for so long somehow delivered what most would call an epiphany: the reason I was probably here in this field, in the middle of my sleep paralysis.

It had been only a few days since my girlfriend committed suicide on the roof of our shared apartment.

For days on end, every time she told me her depression had caught up with her and it was time to say “goodbye,” I would dash to her location, grab her hand, and beg for her to step down from the railing.

But for some reason, on one random night, she stared into my eyes as we crawled into bed together. It’s as if she was piercing into my soul, looking for what was there. It was odd; I could’ve sworn seeing a tear form from her eye before I turned the lights off. And finally, she muttered something along the lines of, “I picked his worst enemy,” before falling asleep. That was the last night we spent before her body was found on the streets the next day, lifeless as could be.

I glared at the knife, which featured a blade double the length of its handle. Did this have anything to do with her death? With her suicide? With that night when she stared into my soul like a maniac?

I bent down, picked up the knife, and raised it above my head. Upon seeing the reflection on the blade, I screamed.


I threw the knife back down and crouched into a ball, crushing a few dozen roses around me in the process. My head pounded in pain; a piercing flow of power zapped through my mind, and a loud ring filled my eardrums which were ready to pop.

On the knife, I had witnessed a devil-like face that bore no resemblance to any human or race in the reflection.

A sinister yet genuine grin; a pair of eyes that belonged to hell itself; a dark yet fearless expression that told me only one thing: I am god’s worst enemy.

And when the pain finally subdued, I realized that those glittering stars sprinkled across the sky were no stars. They were the gods which ruled our world.

Those beautiful roses and dandelions - all of them white - were god’s followers. Perhaps that’s why they filled the field in masses.

But not me.

I took a deep breath, picked up the knife once more, and pointed it to the night sky. Within an instant, all glittering stars dissipated into the blackness, as if they were fake and never there in the first place. It was my declaration of war.

I never believed in Thanatos like my girlfriend once asked. I never believed in Mors or Letum. Nor did believe in Hebe or any goddess of life and happiness.

I was a perpetual being who lived to my values with a blackened heart of gold. A mere piece of life that even Thanatos couldn’t comprehend. Lest our flowers and our sparkles of light - I didn’t care for such things.

Forget about any god or goddess. I’m the one that rebels. I disobey and strive for freedom instead. I am the one they fear most.

I yanked my whole body up from my bed, drenched in sweat. I panted as if I had run a marathon, and my mind felt like a blur. I finally got out of my sleep paralysis, thank g-

Wait, no.

I remember everything.

Yes, forget those lights - the gods. Those flowers can do whatever, I don’t care. I live my path of happiness and sadness.

Because I am the god-destroyer.


But Not Me