Taking my precious to Isenbog cause I'm the purple one

As I reached the forest, I was greeted by a guy in a red jacket wearing a bucket hat.

"Oh, so you're here to look for a bikini... *Pft* Gahahahaha! Sorry, I can't say the lines with a straight face," he laughed.

Well just great. Now I'll be stuck standing like this until he gets his lines right.

                                                                            ...

"So yeah, I'm Beans, and I'm here to tell you how you can get a legendary bikini," the man stated.

"So what do I do?" I glared.

"Well, you gotta go into the forest and complete some objectives. First, you gotta find 7 posters without being caught by the poiple one."

"The "poiple" one?"

"Yeah the poi- I mean purple one is a crazy one that'll turn you into slop if he catches you. But if you find all 7 of his posters, he'll leave you alone. I think. Well your game will save at least."

"Great."

"Next, you need to find 5 fingers."

"FIVE WHAT!?"

"Five fingers, but don't eat em. I hear they come from some anime or something."

"Great, I hate anime."

"Finally, you need to find a diaper for the ugly baby gremlin guy crawling around the place."

"Want me to kill you?"

"No. Hey, I'm just listing the objectives. They'll appear on your stat screen now.

Sure enough, when I opened my menu, the three objectives were there.

"Well, just complete the objectives without getting kicked out, and the bikini is yours," Beans said as he tried to contain his laughter.

I decided to go before someone would ask him to say the line again.

                                                                            ...

I quickly found a poster on a tree. On it was a faceless guy in a suit drinking a can of soda. As soon as I grabbed the poster, a large guy in a purple bodysuit with pointy ears and a unicorn horn emerged.

"Ey, what you doin in my forest?" he asked.

"Just looking for posters, and fingers, and a diaper," I growled.

"Nah, that shit's mine!" the purple one shouted as he charged at me and beat me on the head with a frying pan.

"Why!?" I groaned as I fell and began to lose consciousness.

"Cuz I'm the poiple one," the purple one stated.

                                                                                 ...

I awoke to come face to face with a fire.

"MMPH!?" I shouted.

I then realized I was gagged and crudely tied to a wooden pole hanging above the fire.My towel was also on the ground next to me.

"Yeah SPIN!" the purple one cheered as I suddenly found myself being rotated around. 

The purple one was standing behind me turning the rod and pouring gravy on me. Is that freak trying to COOK me!?

I immediately began trying to break free. Somehow, I managed to dislodge the pole and avoid falling into the fire.

"Ey I ain't done cooking yet," the purple one scowled as he grabbed a knife and attempted to slice me. I dodged and managed to have him accidentally cut the ropes binging my wrists and ankles to the pole.

*Maddie regained 110 brain cells*

Well at least I can still gain brain cells even after that humiliation.

As I grabbed my towel and ran, I noticed two posters by the campsite. One had a picture of the purple one flying through the air tied to a balloon, while the other, was the one from before. The message, "2/7 found" briefly flashed before me. So if I get caught or killed, I have to find everything AGAIN!? I decided to book it as the purple one chased me. I was luckily able to find the remaining posters in one go. The third was on a dirt mound and contained a picture of a weird worm. The fourth was by a lake and contained a picture of a mallard duck in a swim cap. The fifth was on a log and contained a picture of American late night comedian, Ray Greno standing on a toilet. The sixth was on a rock and featured that blue bird guy, Natto from Star Doors dressed like a cow. The final one was located in a pile of junk and contained a picture of a duende in a viking hat. As soon as I touched it, the purple one stopped chasing me and ran away. Guess I was safe.

*Stomp*

I turned to see a large green frog wearing an eye-patch and a jolly roger pirate hat.

"I'm captain Mack Swallow," the frog declared.

"Why're you called that?" I groaned.

"Cuz I swallow," he stated as he wrapped his tongue around me and ate me.

"Yum," the frog smiled.

*Maddie lost 110 brain cells to revive herself*

I found myself back at the campsite, though now I had all 7 posters and wasn't strung up on the cooking rack. I then noticed three demon fingers sitting on a plate. I touched them, and they immediately went into my inventory.

As I turned, I came face to face with a buff elf wearing nothing but a speedo and cat ears. His oiled skin glistened in the light as his long golden hair flowed. Seeing his hair just filled me with anger and scorn. I still had not gotten over what had happened to my hair.

"Halt fiendish Zollum! I am Nekolas, and I won't let you steal the ring, nyah!"

"Zollum!? The hell are you talking about!?" I glared.

"Hmm? OH! My deepest apologies! I should have realized you were a woman. But why are you devoid of hair like Zollum, nyah?"

"Cause of a gaggle of assholes. Can I have some hair for a wig?"

"NAY! Mine hair is quite valuable. But why arth thou ill clothed for a woman on a journey, nyah?"

"Well, cause my clothes were shredded so now all I have are my shoes and a towel- _!? KYAAAAAAAH!"

The towel was gone.

"Welp, it kept you covered well, but ya lost it when the frog ate you. You know what that means," Ri-chan's voice sneered.

*Maddie lost 1,000,000 brain cells*

"Oh yeah, and when your brain cell bar hits zero, instead of becoming an idiot like your boyfriend, you'll become a dumb horny slut. In light of this decision, you'll now lose brain cells instead of gaining them when you watch hot hunks like that elf do dumb fanservicy things. Lucky you, you got your wish. Bye bitch!"

I then saw the elf moan and flex his pecs.

*Maddie lost 2 brain cells*

I hate that spider.

"Oh, sorry about that. But I have a request. I will reward you with a diaper and two demon fingers should you help me, nyah," the elf stated.

"Well what do I have to do?" I growled as I covered myself with my arms.

"Win the Guano belt in a wrestling match in Isenbog, nyah."

"Isenbog?"

"Yes, it's right there in that tower with the floating pizza head by it, nyah."

Sure enough, there was a tower with a giant pizza head floating in front of it.

"NO! We won'ts lets you bewitch my precious!" a voice rang out.

I turned to see a small green hairless creature with pointy ears wearing nothing but a diaper crawling towards me on all fours.

"Tis Zollum, nyah," the elf stated as he began flexing again.

I immediately focused all my attention to the little gremlin.

"Precious! We's found you," Zollum declared as he tried to jump on top of me.

I dodged and he landed face down.

"No! We's loves you precious!" Zollum cried as he got up for round two. It was a bit hard to keep dodging while trying to cover myself up with my arms, but I didn't want the gremlin to see anything, not even a peek. I then noticed the pizza looked bigger than before. Hold on, that pizza looks like it's getting closer and-

"CRAW!"

Suddenly, the pizza head sprouted bird talons and grabbed me and carried me off towards the tower. The elf then hopped atop the pizza

"I'm taking your precious to Isenbog, nyah!" the elf shouted as a song began to play.

*Taking your precious to Isenbog ft. Zollum*

"I'm taking your precious to Isenbog. I'm taking your precious to Isenbog. I'm taking your precious to Isenbog. I'm taking your precious to Isenbog. I'm taking your precious to Isenbog bog- bog bog bog bog. I'm taking your precious to Isenbog."

"Where is my precious!?"

"Your precious, your precious, your precious, to Isenbog to Isenbog! I'm taking you're precious to Isenbog..."

*Maddie lost 2002 brain cells*

I hate this place.