The Governor's Mercy

The ride back to the manor was mostly shrouded in tired silence. Rosamund invited Adanita and Nivelir to his office for a drink, and ordered a servant on the way to get them some sandwiches. He was far too exhausted to play the polite host for the full cast of people in his house. He will be skipping dinner with them today.

His office was cleaned up, the desks that were used that morning removed and other furniture restored to its original position. He checked if Ekliptik's papers were where he hid them, and they were untouched. Nobody opened the drawer, he left a single hair stuck to its side to be sure. He loosened his cravat and poured three glasses of honey brandy, and they downed them in one go without a word. He sat at his desk and took his shoes off, before putting his feet up on the table. Nivelir sat down on the armchair, and Adanita followed his example by removing her boots before sitting down on the couch.

"How did the tests go, Nivelir?" Rosamund asked. Full version, not the one abridged by Hexkey's presence.
"Gods. I almost had a riot on my hands," he said, releasing his dreadlocks out of the bun. "Somehow the news broke out, probably from pirates talking to the citizens. By the time I came down there, they already had weapons in hands and were ready to charge at the prison. And unlike some people, I didn't have the advantage of a report. The guards told me what was happening approximately a minute before I went inside."
"I will tell Hexkey to inform us immediately next time," he promised.
"How did you calm them down?" Adanita asked.
"I didn't. A few people in black came in with orders from Ekliptik to tell everyone to calm down. Thank you for that."
"Thank Ekliptik. I was also kept in the dark until noon."
"I apologize, Captain Vervain. By that point, it wouldn't have made a difference if we came down there immediately, or if we waited another hour or few. It gave me a chance to think on the situation and give out orders, and we didn't come down there without a plan. Without Teodolit's input, the way I'd handle Hexkey would have been radically different. And you got the chance to peacefully work on your tests."
She clearly didn't find the tests nowhere near as important as the rest, but she accepted the other arguments. Partially. "I won't argue about your visit to the prison. But if I went there in place of Lord Secretary, I would have taken control over them easily."
Rosamund couldn't say anything against that. "Next time, then. Forgive me for keeping you in the dark. It won't happen again."
She nodded, far more satisfied.

"There was another, older pirate. Once those people got them to at least somewhat calm down, she started yelling to give Lord Governor a chance to show his true colors, so that not even the Queen has something to say against killing him. And that until then, they should just do as Vervain ordered," Nivelir added.

Rosamund and Adanita exchanged looks. "Lotus," they said in unison.
"I don't know whether I should thank her for the vote of confidence or not," he said.
"Well, it worked. At that point, I'd have accepted a devil's help. You weren't there, Rosamund."
Crowd psychology? He was happy he wasn't there. Rosamund shuddered, feeling sorry for Nivelir. It was sheer luck that they managed to break it off before the situation escalated further. He deserved a raise. And a reward. He put it on his growing list of things to do.

They thoughtfully sipped their drinks.

"What did Khamil want?"
"The usual visit of a criminal who realizes they're about to be caught. He yelled at Bluebell. Aside from that, nothing new under the Sun."
"Think he'll escalate?"
"Hells if I know," Rosamund said. At this point, it could go either way. If he had a way to contact his family, perhaps they will slap some sense into him before he actually gets arrested.

Or maybe not.

"Right. Right..." Nivelir downed his glass. "Goodnight, Rosamund. Goodnight, Captain Vervain."
"Goodnight, Lord Secretary. Thank you both for all you've done," Adanita said. Nivelir gave her a sharp nod as he was getting up.
"Goodnight," Rosamund wished him on his way out.

The large clock slowly ticked as he and Adanita drank from their glasses. A maid came in with sandwiches he ordered, but neither of them had any appetite, so the plates were left untouched on the coffee table.

"What was that about escalation?" Adanita asked.
"He was asking whether I think Khamil may try something stupid, such as attacking me."
"Does that happen often?"
"I've... had it happen," he admitted. "I can't tell for sure whether Khamil is the type for something like that, though. If he wanted to attack me, he could've done it today. Twice. Or perhaps he has enough of a brain to not do it himself."
"Will you have enough guards?"
"I have enough guards right now. I won't increase security, it is unnecessary. And I will have my gun with me at all times. There is nothing to worry about, Captain."
"I am worried nonetheless. Can't I move to a room closer to yours?"
"To protect me?" he asked, offering a sad smile.

"Yes."

He wished she wasn't so nonchalant with her words. Something about the way she talked about things she would do for him made him ache. It wasn't that Rosamund had no people who cared for him in this life. It was quite the opposite. Nivelir was in love with him still, and his family deeply cared about him. He had people who loved him, who he could always rely on. So why did it matter to him so much whenever she came to offer a helping hand?

It was simply different. He enjoyed her company. He wanted her to stay around just a little bit longer. Nivelir, Lilac, and his parents were all but guaranteed to stand by him for however long he asks them to, while Adanita will one day return to Hannau Cove. It made the time spent with her all the more precious, and the fact that she willingly came to see him mattered to him. It made him happy, and that was that. If he was happy, what else was there to think about?

He got up and went to the cabinet, to pour himself more brandy. He jumped in surprise when he turned around to see Adanita made her way next to him. Her glass was empty, too. He set his down and picked up the crystal bottle, pouring her a drink as well.

"Can I see your arm?"
"Ah. Certainly. Excuse me." He took his coat off and set it down on his table, before he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. She winced at the sight of it, and took him by the hand and elbow, gently holding it up. His left wrist was sporting a dark bruise in the shape of her hand.
"I'm sorry."
"There is nothing to apologize for, Captain. You stopped me from punching a stone wall. I'd have broken my hand even worse, and I only just began to be able to hold the quill again. I am thankful."
"Does it hurt?"
"Not anymore, no."

She didn't need to let go. He found himself missing her warm, soft touch. He let his sleeve fall to its place, feeling a strange vague sense of regret. He couldn't place it, but he was too tired to bother trying.

"It seems that overly expressive anger runs in the family," she commented. "But Lilac at least only breaks his equipment, not his body."
He let out a quiet laugh. "I know. Sometimes I have this vision of him coming to me and saying: I learned it from watching you. In his case, he is only overly temperamental, while I completely detach myself from reality. I apologize I made you witness that."
"It was frightening to see."
"You were afraid of me?"
"No. I was afraid for you."
"Ah... thank you, then. Your concern is appreciated. I apologize for making you worry."

He walked past her to take his glass again, and went to sit down on the couch. After a moment of consideration, she joined him, taking the bottle with her and setting it down on the table. He leaned on his arms, resting the elbows on his knees and feeling the weight of the day on his shoulders. Adanita was sitting with her arm on the back of the couch, turned towards him. She was close, but not uncomfortably so.

The clock slowly ticked.

She was waiting for him again, it seemed. He knew needed to bring himself to talk. To explain what got him to this state. Nivelir knew him well enough, so he didn't need to ask. Adanita needed to know. To understand. And besides, it wouldn't be fair. She gave him a bruise while he was acting like an idiot, and she was clearly feeling guilty about it. She needed to know it wasn't her fault, only his.

Open your mouth and talk, he begged himself. He didn't want her to leave without hearing this. But he was afraid. What if she decides he's not worth her time anymore? He already offended her once, and he knew she was still suffering something she refused to tell him. What right did he have to talk about his pain, then? She already had a burden, why should they share his?

And yet, she waited. Patient and silent.

His mind was running in the same old circles, reminding him of the beach where he met her. On one part of the sky, the remnants of a storm, and on the other, the warmth of the setting sun. Perhaps... he will feel better in that sunlight.

"This wasn't my first time seeing this situation," he admitted. "But it was the first time I had the power and responsibility to do something about it."

There, he said it. He now waited for her judgement.

"Previous life?" she asked.
"Yes. I was a lawyer, remember? I couldn't do anything. Or, I wanted to, and I didn't even try. I don't know which it is. Both."
"Rosamund..."
"I am pathetic. And I am haunted by things I did a lifetime ago. I helped your people, and all it did was make me feel worse. Why them? Why not those who came before? I don't even remember their faces anymore, and I still cannot let go. Cowardice truly is the greatest sin of all." He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "So don't thank me. Don't thank me for the way things should be. I didn't do it for you, or for Zaum, or for anyone. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Nothing more, and nothing less."
"You did more than most people would. Have you seen the way everyone was looking at you? Zaum and Cinda never met with this treatment from someone as powerful as you. And the guards never expected any consequences to befall them. Have you seen how they gloated to you?" she said. "And how proud they stood, until they realized? I am begging you, don't understate your kindness. Or the depths of it."
"Ah... but that's even worse. I'm not special. I am the bare minimum! Why are you acting as if I did something unimaginable? This- this should have always been the norm..." He couldn't help it. The cracks were showing from the moment he started talking, but this finally broke him. He put his hands on his face, to at least keep a smidge of dignity while he was crying. "I'm sorry," he tried. "I'm so, so sorry." But it sounded hollow. He let her down. Whatever high opinion she had of him before was now irreparably shattered. By his own hand, no less. He told her his previous sins. If he was still feeling this much guilt over it, how could Adanita possibly think he was any good?

"Rosamund... please don't think this way. Rosamund? Look at me, please." She placed a hand on his shoulder, gently pulling him back. He took a deep breath, barely getting himself under some semblance of control before he leaned on the back of the sofa and took his hands off his face. He sadly looked at her, overtaken by fear and silently trembling. She wasn't looking at him with disgust or pity, as he thought. She was just... distressed. Sad.

Worried.

He allowed her to take his hand as he looked away, to the ceiling. He tightly held onto her, not planning to let go this time. It was sheer despair, and self-indulgence at its worst. He felt bad for putting her in this situation. But, no. She stayed here. She wanted to be here, didn't she? She waited for him to speak. So, this was alright with her, at least for now. And if she wanted to leave, there simply was no way that he could or even wanted to try to stop her. Her hand was so warm...

"Rosamund," she said. "If I had told you I felt this way after doing something good that I wasn't able to do before, what would you say to me?"
"I don't know. Probably that you have learned now. That you did better, and that you still have a chance to continue being better in the future."
"Then why can't you tell this to yourself?"
Why indeed? Perhaps because his inaction caused suffering. He, personally, caused suffering. "Asking anyone to forgive themselves... is the most difficult request to give. People set impossible standards for themselves, which then cannot be met. It hurts. Things I did and didn't do before hurt. I wish I could simply let go, and I do on most days. But sometimes, a similar situation occurs, and I am reminded of my sins. It is as I told you before - wounds of the soul turn to scars, which hurt when the weather gets bad again. Please accept my sincerest apologies for having to see me in this state." Forgiving an enemy only needs to happen once. But forgiving yourself takes waking up with things you've done. They follow you wherever you go, and you need to keep forgiving and believing in yourself every second of the day. Believe you are worthy of forgiveness. Every day, for the rest of your life.
"So it is alright for me to tell you when I have nightmares, but not for you to tell me when you are in pain? This is not a very fair exchange, Lord Governor."
He let out a sad chuckle. "You are correct. I am an unfair and villainous man. Tell me your sorrows, and I will hide mine away."
She gently squeezed his hand.

"I will be better," he promised. "At least Zaum didn't need to suffer this fate. Please tell everybody that if something like this occurs again, I need to know. I will handle everything."
"I will," she said. She hesitated for a few moments. "You know, I worried at first that you'd take the chance to have your revenge on him for attacking you. He was alive only thanks to your kindness, and if you had decided he was too much of a pain to manage, I wouldn't have even been able to say anything against it. But you didn't. You set a precedent that places the same protection on my people as it does on yours. No, you even improved the safety of everyone. You didn't just get rid of the corrupt pricks. You did so much more, and I appreciate it."
"Captain... I don't keep my attackers around only to take vengeance when it is most convenient for me. If I wanted to, I would have killed Zaum during that meeting. Doing it afterwards would be disgusting. Or immoral. Or something. Giving someone false hope for survival is as noble as drowning them."
"I know. If it's you, then you wouldn't do it."
"It should be the norm-"
"And it isn't. Lord Governor, I am afraid you will simply have to accept that you are an incredibly sweet person."
He had no answer to that.

His handkerchief left with Zaum, and he had no spare. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before reaching for a sandwich and, more importantly, booze. He was finally calm enough to let go of her hand, so he might as well eat.

Adanita's arm on the back of the couch was now basically wrapped around his shoulders. Leaning back, he decided he didn't mind.

"Do you think I should have killed them?" he asked.
"No. I think the punishment fits the one who issued it. Death sentence doesn't suit you, Lord Governor."
"If they return to my city, I will put them on trial," he promised. "It will be an ugly, public, bloody spectacle for all to see. There are things I cannot tolerate. This viciousness is not something I can forgive."
"I know."

He had a sudden realization about Hexkey, now that he thought about it. That man just wanted to bury his shame and deal with the issue as quietly as possible. If his predecessor gave Hexkey the way to keep it hidden away by the way of tacit approval... no wonder the man was the way he was.

"Do you think I am too merciful?"
"I'm not sure whether you are an idealist, or if I am too cruel. So far, you have spared eight out of eight people that I'd have killed myself if I was in your place. But considering that I have originally killed you, too... perhaps this is better. Or perhaps not. If anyone returns with intent to harm you, they will find no mercy in me, that's for sure."
"Strike me once, shame on you, strike me twice, you will die by the hands of the Queen."
"I do mean it," she said.
"I know. I dislike your approach, but I appreciate your desire to keep me alive."
"Hah. You better."

He allowed them a few moments of peace, but there were more things they needed to talk about, now that she was here. "Won't you tell me what was on your mind? What gave you new nightmares?"
"They weren't new. It wasn't anything new at all," she said. "Your brother has an extremely annoying personality, and in combination with that damned experiment that made me look like a spawn of Hell - hah. Who am I kidding, you can read me like a book," she said annoyed. "I just, I suppose I've felt as if I am not doing much, or doing enough now that I am here."

Truth, but something was missing from it. He could accept what she decided to share with him at this time, and not ask for more. She will visit him when she needs him.

"The things you need to do are quite different than before. Your job now is to work hard and be a good student to Baroness Mayberry. After the two of you get to a certain point with your lessons, I will see to it that you are introduced to the people who matter for this," he promised. "This is going to be a slow and difficult process, but once you look back, you will be amazed with how far you've gone."
"Speaking from experience?"
"Yes. There is an order to doing things."
"Right. And did you put moving our rooms closer to yours on your to-do list yet?"
"Eat a sandwich, Captain Vervain."
"I won't have you die to that idiot."

Gods, she truly cared. For him. "In the morning, then."

She accepted that and took a sandwich. "I'll go check on those two before bed," she said.
"Please do. I am too tired, and I don't think they'd want to be in my presence. Tell Doctor Soxhlet that I don't want to have to order her to go to bed."
"You fear she'd stay up all night?"
"I know she will. I'd appreciate it if she didn't do that when her patients aren't on deathbed. Although, Zaum might be."
"He'll be alright," she said. "And you are... feeling better, hopefully?"
"Yes. I am grateful for your patience, Adanita."
"It was nothing. I wanted to know."
"Thank you," he insisted.
"Hah. In that case, thank you for today."
"No."
"Aye, aye. I'm afraid you won't get me to stop appreciating your actions, not matter how small you think they are."

How do you answer this? You don't, he decided. This wasn't a battle of wits. Or a debate, or a fight, or a meeting. He could allow her to have the final word. Just this once.

"Goodnight, Lord Governor," she said, getting up.

"Goodnight."