Multiverse Theory

The doorbell rang. A dishevelled young man in loose fitting clothes opened the door. Standing before him was a slim, older woman clad in luxurious clothing who held a leash with a small dog on the other end.

“What is your FILTH doing in my home?!” the woman said, her posh accent only accentuating her anger.

“Woooow, slow down…” the man replied, his voice creaky, “let’s start with names before we begin namecalling… I’m Steve. What’s your na-”

“You don’t know who I am?! My name is Miss Windam! And he…”

She pointed at her dog.

“...is my lovely little honey boney Hugues the third.”

“As in Hugh Everett the third?”

“Who?”

“Y’know, like, the guy who came up with the many-worlds interpretation.”

“The what?!”

“It’s in like… every sci-fi movie? Well, a bunch of ‘em at least. Pretty sure the last Marvel movie had some stuff ‘bout it.”

“I don’t watch such idiotic, empty films, I wouldn’t know.”

“Your loss.”

“But now that I think it over again, yes, I did name my little angel after this… Hugh Everett. His name and work simply slipped my mind momentarily.”

“You forgot ‘bout the guy you named your dog after?”

“Only for a moment! It happens to even the best of us, you simpleton!”

“Rude.”

“Rude!? Rude!? You know what’s rude!? Breaking into someone’s home while they are out peacefully taking a walk with their adorable little hone-bon!”

“Yeah, would be quite rude if someone did that.”

“YOU’RE doing that, you numbskull!”

“Nah, sorry. Don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout. This is my home, lady.”

“Use my proper name!”

“Oh. Sorry. Lady Windam.”

“My full name!”

“Sorry, don’t know it.”

“I told you a minute ago!”

“Nah, don’t remember.”

“Do you have the memory of a goldfish, you airheaded burglar? I said it was Miss Windam!”

“Yeah. I remember. But that’s just your last name.”

“My first name is Miss, you pukebrain! Short for Missy. Even a nanosecond of critical thought would’ve allowed you to deduce this!”

“That’s… confusing. I don’t know any world where that would be something easy to deduce.”

“Really, if you actually live anywhere near here, as you claim you do, you really should know about me!”

At this point, Miss’ dog was starting to grow restless. While his owner was distracted spewing insults at Steve, the beast ran into the building, violently pulling the leash out of her hands.

“Oh no! Hugues!” the woman exclaimed, her voice comparable in tone to that of a singing soprano. For a moment she looked thoroughly defeated before inhaling deeply through her nose and regaining her stature.

“Let me through, you puke-brained imbecile!”

“Why?”

“Because my puffy little boy just ran into yo-, my house!”

“Sorry. My dog. My house.”

“Do you even hear yourself?! Are you braindead?! I just returned from walking my adorable darling, how could he ever be yours?!”

“Must’ve stolen him.”

“You’re actually mental! Both of us know the truth, so why are you pretending you don’t?! Or… are you…. Are you on drugs?”

A painful silence fell.

“No…” Steve said, clearly not the most convincing liar.

“Alright, that’s it! I can't stand your stupidity any longer! If you don’t get out of my house right now, I might show you mercy and not call the police!”

“There’s really no need to-”

“Then let me in!”

“But this is my home, so-”

“Alright! I’ve had it!”

Her face red with anger, she put her hand in her coat’s pocket, felt around for a moment before the colour in her face began to drain. She began to frantically empty her pockets.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked.

“My- my mobile communications device- I must have left it in the house before I went out- Let- let me through!”

“Why?”

“To get my phone!”

“Which you think is in my home?”

“My home!”

“I’m starting to feel this conversation is becoming a bit circular.”

“Because I’m right, but the drugged-out walnut you call your brain can’t seem to accept that!”

“I’m- I’m perfectly sober, Miss.”

“In what world does a sober person break in and then pretend to live in someone's house?!”

“Well, according to the many worlds interpretation-”

“There you go again, spouting your vile nonsense!”

It was at this point that something floated into the hallway. It was bright blue and purple, seemingly some kind of orb with tentacles protruding from it, though its exact shape was hard to pin down. The surface of the entity began to ripple as a sound originated from it, a voice that spoke English in a manner that seemed almost too overly perfect and textbook:

“Steven, a canine has entered the living quarters and has begun producing loud vocalisations in reaction to my presence, it is starting to make me feel… uncomfortable.”

Steve produced an irritated sigh.

“I thought I told you not to come out when there were other people nearby, most people would flip out if they saw you, you know? Also, you said I owned this house in this universe, right?”

“I do not recall saying any such thing.”

“Well, is it?”

“I am… uncertain.”

“Goddammit. I think we’re in serious trouble here. Let’s jump somewhere else before the police get called.”

“I will prepare the mushrooms.”

The entity proceeded to retreat further back into the house. Steve turned to a wordless Miss Windam.

“So sorry for the trouble, ma’am, we’ll be gone before you know it.”

“No- no trouble at all-”