CH1: The Cucumber

Goblins...

A creature of pure evil, but they are so pitiful that even a local farmer could handle them like an insect. They are weak, yet bothersome since they multiply at a fast rate, and they kidnap helpless kids and women.

"Sir Hero, that's the goblin we're looking for," I said.

"Good job, Theo. It's the last goblin from the east burrow. We need to exterminate it before it could multiply again."

Just recently, we raided one burrow then saved five kids and three women, lucky enough that they were unharmed and untouched. Almost all of the goblins are exterminated, some of them escaped but were pursued afterward. Only a single goblin was left alive on our count. And it is now in front of us, hiding behind a bush.

It didn't realize yet that we are watching him from his back. This goblin is on another level... another level of stupidity. A spawn of the dark lord would immediately notice this much stare, but this idiot wouldn't even look back.

However, the hero had a different opinion from mine.

"Hmm... Strange. Do you think goblins are getting smarter? Look, it prepared a trap."

Ah... Look at that, the hero acknowledged his trap. That trap, I suppose, is created to bait and capture a woman, but I had a single, very important question about the bait.

"Why cucumber?"

"You're an idiot, Theo. Of course, because women like cucumbers. Especially the thicker and longer ones."

I had to put a finger on my chin as I racked my brain for whatever reason women like cucumbers. What's so special about cucumbers!? As for me, I'd never like vegetables, and neither does my fiancée, Agatha.

"Really? I've never seen Agatha eat cucumbers before," Agatha is the name of my fiancée, to whom I recently proposed during our military operation in the south fortress of Hamiltron, in the middle of a fiery battle, but it's kind of a dramatic proposal that I'm embarrassed to tell. And I swore an oath that I'd never seen Agatha ever touch a cucumber before.

"How could I explain this... Er... Women do not eat it; they use cucumbers differently in secret."

"Really? I didn't know that."

Just what kind of secret is that? I'm curious. Maybe it's something so embarrassing and taboo that they won't allow men to know. It's kind of normal for Albert, the hero, to know since he's always been a ladies' man, and a lot of girls are licking his shoes for his attention. I want to know that secret; however, maybe Agatha is using cucumbers behind my back, and I just didn't know. If she is, I want to know that embarrassing part of her. Maybe I should give one to Agatha and observe what she'll do with it.

"Yes. They use cucumbers as shampoo," the hero stated.

Oh... As expected of Albert. He really knows everything! But honestly, I had serious doubts about its efficacy.

"Hmmm... But no matter how you look at it, I don't think any sane human will be baited by a cucumber. They could always buy some from the local shop. Besides, this is the middle of the forest, you know? This is a remote place far from civilization."

"AGHH! I've been baited!"

What the! How!?

The goblin jumped from the bush in excitement. I jumped from my hiding spot in shock. What kind of woman would be baited by a cucumber!? Look, it's just a primitive trap using a rope and a cucumber in between! A bunny trap!?

"What? Impossible! Niel has been captured!"

Oh man... When I look at who's been trapped, the victim was no other than my own master, Niel Sylvia. The smartest member of the hero's party has been baited by a cucumber. And now she's hanging with a rope tied around her waist and arms, unable to move. Her hand still holding a cucumber, while she screamed with a face so red in embarrassment.

"Get me out of here!", she pleaded for help. I don't want to help. Besides the fact that she was adorable when incapacitated, I want to see her embarrassed for all the time she tortured me with lectures. She's so small by the way, her fangs make her look like an angry kitten wearing an oversized purple robe and witch hat.

"You!" Albert stood up and drew his sword. Of course, he's going to save Niel; he's the hero after all.

"Kek," the goblin stared at him, and immediately, its face turned pale and nervous. Well, he's the hero who exterminated its entire family, after all. Don't expect a revenge arc for the goblin; the hero won't leave him alive for long.

That hero is super cautious and exaggerated that he'll commit genocide if necessary.

"Bestow upon me the power of the divine, increase my power to infinity, and ascend beyond the ether. Give me the lig-"

Wait... I know that spell. He used that spell once to destroy an army of spawns, and nothing was left from them but bones. Shit, I need to stop him!

"H-hey! That's overkill! Don't use that spell on a single goblin! You'll hit Niel!"

The hero is overpowered. His attacks had massive damage and a massive scope of destruction. Using his ultimate spell was just-

"[First Deadly Gates of Heaven: Gate of Fire]!"

_Baang!!_

A massive explosion came after, and because of the shockwave or wind blast, I've been hurled away.

"Kyah! My panties are leaving my legs!" Niel screamed while her white panties with a red ribbon on the top-middle were blown away. Please don't ask why I could describe her panties in detail.

When the wind became calmer, I immediately stood up to complain against Albert.

"I said that's overkill!"

"We need to make sure it's dead, no... it needs to be pulverized to the point that it couldn't be revived."

"Cutting the head is enough!"

That's right! No need to use an explosive spell! But hell, look! The goblin is still crawling with its left arm missing.

"See? It's still alive." the hero said as if trying to prove a point.

"What the... You missed!"

"[First Deadly Gates of Heaven: Gate of Fire]!"

"NOO!"

_Baang!!_

A second explosion hurled me away again.

...

"It's dead for sure this time."

When it became calmer, and Albert's head became cooler, I stood up and dusted myself off from the debris of that explosion.

"Well yeah, the only thing left is ash after all. Where's Niel?" Noticing that Niel was gone, I looked around the forest... Boy! The trees are burning! NO! THE ENTIRE FOREST IS ON FIRE!

"Wait! Lookout!" the hero suddenly tackled me, and we both stumbled on the ground.

"Albert! What are you doing!? Are you gay!?"

"Rude! I just saved your life! Look" he pointed me to a black substance on the ground, shaped in pixels. "You're about to step on a shit!"

"What!?" Wait... that's a goblin shit! If he didn't stop me, then, I'd be on an accident. "You're right... Thank you. Thank you... _sob_", I almost cried and buried my face on his chest. If I just stepped on that landmine, I wouldn't be able to recover.

"Don't cry... Everything is all right. I'm going to protect you, Theo."

Albert combed my hair gently between his rough fingers; the sensation was reassuring along with his gentle voice. We would have stayed like this longer until Niel intervened with our bromance.

"You fuckers! Look what you did to me!? I've lost my panties!"

"You always lose your panties. It's not new to us. Are you holding a cucumber?" Said the hero. Right, she always lost her cute panties whenever she's in action. I don't know why she doesn't wear shorts, but every time her panties flew away, I'm thankful to god for this wonderful blessing.

"Cucumber? I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway, I'm leaving."

Anyway, it's time to go back since we already exterminated the last goblin. We're currently guarding a caravan that is about to return to Fediora, the capital of Georlia, and the hero's hometown. That's where I'm currently living as well since I'm the hero's subordinate. I'm living with my little sister, Archie, and a well-known psychic around there named Cirius.

Caravans are people who traveled together for mutual protection since the road is arduous and full of bandits. There are three merchant carriages owned by a single merchant and his sons, there are also seven performers and travelers, and three priests. Those travelers had some former adventurers among them, all priests are well-educated in herbal and healing practices, and merchants know how to handle themselves in a fight. Honestly, the combination is not that bad, but the hero volunteered to protect them for free. What an idiot.

"Hey, Agatha!" I shouted as soon as my eyes could already see the caravan. It's already dark, but the campfire makes it possible for me to see them and their preparation for cooking. It seems like Basilisk is the cook; that's why the aroma smells very addicting.

Agatha is also a member of the hero's party and the Saintess of the Georlian Kingdom. She's the main healer of our group and the assistant mage. Niel, on the other hand, is the damage dealer or the attack mage, so we have two mages in total. Agatha is also my future wife, not to be bragging. Look at her golden, curvy hair, the gentle face, and her gem-like eyes. I bet everyone is jealous of me, yeah baby.

"Is that a cucumber?"

What!? I've been ignored! I've been excited to see her again so I rush towards her, but she passed through me... for that accursed cucumber!

"So what if it's a cucumber!?" Niel hid the vegetable on her back, trying to defend it against Agatha's lustful eyes.

"That's so huge."

"You're not taking it away from me! You're going past my corpse before you take it."

Why are you going to kill each other for a cucumber!?

"Albert and Theo!" Basilisk is running towards us excitedly. Right... Men are really better than women, I mean it! Girls would only hurt your feelings... or so I thought when Basilisk also noticed the cucumber on Niel's hand.

"Wait... Is that a cucumber? That's so huge."

What!? He also went to Niel, and now they are arguing on who should use the cucumber!

Basilisk is a big, muscular dude that is the shieldsman of our party. Yes, a meat shield whose purpose is to use his body to cover us from enemy attacks. No, I'm not being rude, and I'm not angry. But I thought only women are attracted to cucumbers, why does a manly, hairy dude like him would join their cucumber fight!

Well, whatever. At least the hero is not swayed by the cucumber. We decided to rest for today inside one of the carriages. The merchant who acted as the leader of their caravan confronted Albert, who's with me.

"Sir Hero. Thank you for the honor in protecting our caravan."

"Don't mention it. I'm just doing what I need to do."

I had to wish that Mr. Merchant wouldn't be attracted to cucu-

"Did I just see a large cucumber?"

"So, you noticed."

"Yes, it's been a while since I saw a huge cucumber. I bet the girls are happy."

What the! How sharp are his eyes that he could tell about the cucumber from afar and not to mention, in the dark! Is he a superhuman!? And why do they always notice the cucumber!

I entered the carriage, leaving the merchant and Albert talking to each other about the cucumber.

"Oh, Theo. Welcome back."

The one who greeted me is Misty, the marksman of the party. She's wearing a green robe, a green hat, and she's also green-minded. She just loves the color green. She's playing a board game with March, the silent assassin of our party. His body is covered with cloth, and he wears a mask that doesn't allow us to see his face. Plus the fact that he's wearing bandages all over. He really dislikes showing his skin. Must be an allergy.

Don't tell me that they could tell about the cucumber. We're inside the carriage, so it's impossible that they'll-

"Wait... I smell the scent of cucumber."

FUCK!

"I'm going after it. March, I lost our match! Goodbye."

She came rushing out in the quest to claim the holy cucumber... like hell, leaving March alone there. Now he's silent and unmoving. I feel bad for him.

"Don't be sad, March. Fine, I'll play with you."

Oh... Did he just twitch and brighten up? Not like I could see his face, but I just guess he's happy that he is rearranging the pieces of the board back quickly, my eyes couldn't really follow the speed of his hand.

"Aren't you glad? We returned alive from the front line? Nobody among us were hurt or died."

I started my first move with that question. We just returned from defending the fortress against the spawn of the dark lord. It's just a small achievement but significant, and nobody among us is seriously hurt but traumatized.

"I hope nobody among us will die because of this war." I said since there are many battlefields we need to conquer yet, and the dark lord is still alive wreaking havoc against humanity.

"So, how far are we from the capital?"

March must have wanted to answer me but couldn't talk, and he anxiously tried to answer with using fidgety hand gestures but I know what he's trying to say since we've been friends for more than four years and we've treated each and every member of the party as siblings.

"We're near? At last, I hope my little sister is fine."

My name is not so relevant, I had no significant accomplishment or whatsoever unlike my peers but I decided to join Albert on his journey to save the world from impending peril. Why? Because I had ambition, that I will create a world where everything is slow and peaceful for everyone I care about.