Phishing for compliments and members

With a piercing ring, the bell warned every student and teacher and mice crawling in the basement about the end of the school day. The class rumbled with talks of going home and preparations for the school's clubs. The latter topic was of high interest to Henry.

"Tell me Riku, do you partake in any extracurricular activity?"

"What?"

"Are you in a club?"

"Oh, of course! I am an exemplary member of the going home club." Riku had already packed his things and was ready to leave.

"What?! But you are a Japanese school boy in the prime of your life! You cannot simply go home after school!"

"I've never been interested in any club. After all, anything the clubs have, I can do at home."

"That's not the point! It's about the group, the friends, the excuses to get close to the girls and accidentally bump your elbow on their—" Henry stopped and pointed his index finger at Riku. "Doesn't this school have both a swimming club and an archery club?"

"It does."

"The moment we become closer friends you're going to show me your home. For now, I'm going club hunting!"

"They won’t let you in just because you ask. And I doubt that getting close to girls will convince them."

"You underestimate me!" Henry cackled. He wanted to laugh in a cool and subtly evil way, but alas, this was his best. "I always have a backup plan. I can assure you, no matter what happens, I'm going to end the day as a club member." He grinned and began walking out of the door.

"There's no anime club."

Lacrimosa by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart started playing. Henry's face grew distraught as he turned back to Riku, following the rhythm of the music.

"Where is the music coming from?"

"I was inspired by Chiharu playing a thunder on her phone and prepared a soundboard." Henry replied without changing his distraught face, which stayed the same even when he pressed his phone a second time and played a sad trombone.

"Want to go to an arcade?" Riku ignored his antics.

"...You make a very compelling argument," He cried out. "But I will not give up! I'm going to join a club!"

Henry stomped away, but stopped before leaving the class. Turning around, he screamed "We'll go to the arcade tomorrow!", before walking out of the class.

Now that his backup plan was inaccessible, he had to tackle the main plan seriously. He couldn't give up at the first occasion like he really planned to do. He didn't even know where to go to look for clubs, which was why he was aimlessly doing laps of the halls, hoping the few students there wouldn't realize that the samy guy ahd passed by them three times already.

"Maybe I should look for someone in my class?"

He could go to someone he knew and ask about their club, hoping no one else followed Riku's philosophy. The only problem was, he had already left the class with an exit line, and he couldn't come back after just a little time. Things simply didn't work like that. He was debating whether it would have been worth it to wait in front of the class for half an hour when he conveniently spotted Rohou walking to the floor below.

"Rohou! Wait a second!"

"What is it, Henry?"

"Exchange seats with me!"

"That again?! I already told you the seat has nothing special, and the teachers wouldn't allow it!"

"It was worth a shot. I actually wanted to ask you about your club."

"Why didn’t you start with that then? Are you interested in joining a club? Oh! You would actually be of great help if you joined mine!"

"How come?"

"The club isn't still official yet. There are these two sisters: one is a first year and one is a second year. They want to start their own club but they haven't had any luck finding new members. To be honest, it's partly their fault. The older sister is pretty clumsy, while the younger one is... Let's say interesting. I only found out about the club when I entered the wrong room by accident and saw the young sister in a bunny outfit... A-anyway, there are only three of us, and we need more people if we want to make the club official. Technically speaking there is also another girl who joins us often, but she's from a different school so she doesn't count."

Henry was shocked. Either that seat was really magical, or, and he feared this the most, Rohou might be the real protagonist of this story. But first, he had to deal with more important matters.

"Why are we still here?! Let's go sign up!"

"Really? You want to join?"

"Are you kidding? You described a situation so anime that I could hear an opening song starting! What's the club about?"

"Math!"

Lacrimosa by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart started playing.

"What are you doing?" Rohou was unimpressed.

"It's a soundboard. Do you think I'm overusing it? Wait, never mind that! Why math?!"

"It's what the sisters like. The younger one is really good at it and her passion inspired the older one to—"

"Booring!" Henry interrupted him, "No wonder they can't find people! I could have even accepted chemistry, since the labs in Japanese schools are supposed to actually be functional, but math? A math club? A club for mathematics? To do calculus and stuff?? Really???"

"It's better if you don't join if this is how you see it." He turned around, insulted by Henry's lack of empathy for the two sisters.

"Wait!" Henry grabbed his arm to stop him. "Cute girls though..."

"Let me go!" Rohou shook him away. "I've changed my mind! You're not invited anymore!"

"Can you at least tell me what club Gimei is in?"

"Gimei? Oh, right. I don't know, she usually leaves right after school. Goodbye now."

Rohou left, and Henry was left alone. Not only had the two sisters' club abandoned him, but now even Gimei, a girl he knew for sure existed, could be out of his reach.

"I knew I should've gotten that seat..."

Was the going home club really popular? Should he join it too? No, he couldn't give up. He just had to find more people he knew. He began to explore the school, hoping to see the only other three people he had talked to that day who could still be in a club.
He also checked for club rooms, and every other room, opening doors without knocking first. He ended up finding many annoyed boys, but sadly no girls in bunny outfits. Thankfully, someone had come to stop him.

“I’ve received a complaint that the boy who sits next to me in class is going around annoying people.” Chiharu appeared at the end of the hall to stop his shenanigans.

"Hey, it's the tsunder—"

Chiharu threw her bag away and ran at him. She stood in front of him before the bag could touch the ground. With one arm raised, she grasped Henry’s head and stopped him from finishing his sentence. He was too scared to notice, but his feet were not touching the ground anymore.

"Chiharu." Slowly, a cold and deep voice escaped her lips. "Call. me. Chiharu."

"C-Chiharu-sama." Henry whimpered.

"Good." She let him fall to his knees. "What are you doing?" Her voice returned to normal, the lights came back up, and the dark fog around her body dispersed.

"I-I was just looking for a club to join. Why are you here?”

“Riku has gone home already, so with the excuse of sitting next to you I was burdened with the job of stopping you from bothering the other students. You are a real nuisance.”

“You could help me then, instead of threatening my life. Are you in a club?"

"I don't know if I want you in my club, but yes. I'm in the chiropractic club."

"There's a chiropractic club?! Oh, sure! Anime clearly isn't popular enough to deserve a club, but manipulating people's bones is all the rage with the teens!"

"I don't really care about the practice, I'm only in the club because I'm good at moving people's body parts."

"Yeah, I have seen that. Better yet, I've felt that..." Henry caressed the hand-shaped mark on his face. "Still, I don't think it's the best club for you."

"Oh yeah? And what would the best club be?"

"Anger management club."

"Why? Chiropractic is so much fun, want me to relocate your spine?" She grabbed Henry's shoulder with the strength of a mighty coconut crab.

“B-before I lose this arm, could I try joining your club?”

“How about you don’t? I don’t want to be your babysitter.”

“I’ll keep opening random doors if you don’t.”

“Or maybe I can send you back to America with one well-placed kick?”

“C’mon, let me at least try! I’ve gotten curious to see what kind of students would join a chiropractic club.”

“Fine, but you’re not joining. I’ll just let you stay with us for today.”

They began walking down the hallway, turned right four times, took two different sets of stairs, once upwards and once downwards, and finally reached the club room. Henry knew it was the chiropractic club, not so much because of the sign that read Official Chiropractic Club, but more so because of the screams. Behind the sliding door there were three students, two girls and a boy, performing on a patient. The student sat on a thin medical bed covered in paper sheets, with his legs stretched out and his back stood up. The three self-appointed medics passed his back to each other like a volley ball, swinging the upper part of the body from person to person while keeping the lower part grounded to the bed. This torturous game of hot potato was serenaded by the patient's spine, whose music was vaguely reminiscent of a metal roof under a hailstorm.

"Chiharu, you're back." One of the torturers left the game without notice, missing the pass and letting the patient fall motionless onto the floor. "You left for too long! There are two patients waiting for you." The girl pointed at two students sitting by the window, one of which was either sleeping or unconscious.

"Sorry, I had to gather this thing."

"Nice to meet you, I am a human person by the name of Henry Tailer, not a thing."

"I am the founder and leader of the club, doctor Shikei." Said the high school student. "These two are my assistants, doctor Shikkou and doctor Tosatsu." she pointed to the other two high school students.

"Are you also a doctor?" Henry asked Chiharu.

"She calls me a nurse." She answered with a tinge of annoyance.

"Now, let's get you ready on the table." The club leader pushed him towards the now empty table.

"No, no, no, I am not here as a patient!" Henry quickly said, fearing death. "I want to join a club. I don't know if I'll join this one, but I am curious to see."

"Oh, so you could be the assistant nurse! Then, why don't you go help Chiharu with her next guinea pig?"

"Guinea pig?"

"Patient. I meant to say patient."

"What an unusual slip of the tongue."

"Why does he have to go with me?" Chiharu complained.

"Be reasonable, nurse Chiharu. I wouldn't feel comfortable practicing in front of someone who I just met." Said the unexpectedly shy doctor.

"Fine, but I'm only doing this because I have to!"

"No one thought otherwise...” Said a confused Henry.

The nurse took out a reclining bed and spread a towel on it. The towel was mostly white, but had a peculiar pattern on it. It was mostly circular, spreading from the center in a confused way, and surrounded by a bunch of handprints and the word "Rache", all in red colors.

"Who wants to go first?" Chiharu approached the two patients.

The one who was awake turned his head to the left, where the other patient was still unresponsive.

"I-I guess I could go first."

"Lie belly up." She commanded him, lacking the gentle nature you'd expect from a nurse.

After the boy had lied down, Chiharu grabbed his shoulders and began bending his back forwards. His spine closed on itself with the same ease you'd have closing a book you realized you didn't like only halfway through the story. The only difference was that books rarely screamed.

“C-Chiharu? What are you doing?" Henry was concerned, "Please, I’m sure that whatever this boy has done to wrong you is not worth his life!”

“I’m not killing him! This is part of the practice. Don't worry, he’s completely fine.”

“I’m not!” The boy heaved with tears in his eyes.

“Shut up! You signed up for the treatment, you're going to get the full treatment.”

She continued to bend, fold, unwrap, curl, tuck, knit, crumple, plicate, tie and untie, cockle, intertwine, enfold, and twist the body of the student. His bones were reassembled multiple times, giving him the shape of unspeakable creatures before turning him back to a human.

Chiharu cheerfully hummed a song while effortlessly moving the body around. Henry watched in terror.

Lacrimosa by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart started playing again.

"This is the procedure, more or less. Think you can repeat it?"

"I don't know if I have the stomach." Henry answered with a hand on his mouth.

"Don't be such a wimp! Here, help me put him on the chair."

"Can he not walk?"

"We've found that most patients fall asleep after the procedure. I guess it's more relaxing than you'd think."

Henry looked at the boy, who lay motionless on the bed. His eyes were open, yet entirely white.

"That is one deep sleep..."

"Get the legs, I'll grab him by the shoulders."

Nurse and assistant lifted up the body and sat it next to the other "sleeping" patient.

"Perfect! How about you do the next one?"

"Isn't there something more... Simple?"

"Hmm... Oh! Shikei-sensei, are there enough patients for a tameshiwari?"

"That is a wonderful idea, nurse Chiharu! We don't have enough people now, but I know where to find more subjects! I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

It was very simple to prepare for the therapy. All it took was two chairs and a stepladder. When Shikei came back, ten patients were gathered in the room, ignorant of what was about to happen to them. The chiropractors made one lie down with the feet on one chair and the head and arms on the other, creating a sort of bridge with his body. Then, the other nine patients were carefully stacked on top of the first, creating a small tower of human bodies.

"W-what's a tameshiwari?" Henry asked, fearing the worst.

"Have you ever seen a martial artist break tiles with just their hand? Basically that."

"This cannot be legal."

Doctor Shikei climbed the stepladder until her arms could easily reach the top of the human tower. She took a deep breath and then, with a sharp scream, she struck the top of the tower with the side of her hand and bent all of the student's backs with one clear hit!

Coincidentally, they made exactly the same sound that tiles make when they break.

Both the assistants and the nurse began clapping, avoiding the human bodies falling on the ground.

"Thank you, thank you." Shikei bowed before getting down from the ladder.

"This is ridiculous! How do you even have customers?!"

"Hey! I'll have you know the patients feel a lot better after a quick visit to the infirmary!"

"Then it's the school's nurse that is doing all of the job!"

"If you're so against it then just leave!" Chiharu crossed her arms and pouted.

"Wait, let me at least show you the punched-in-half trick!"

Shikei pointed to a student lying inside of a black box, with just his head and feet poking out of the sides.

"I'm leaving!" Henry could not handle the silliness of the situation, and preferred bailing.

Discouraged, defeated, tired, but more importantly, lazy, Henry was close to giving up and going home. The only thing that kept it moving was his love for anime, somehow, and he would not leave that school until he had joined a club.

POSTFACE

- DID YOU KNOW GLOSSARY

I've already explained all of the Japan or anime related things that appear in this chapter, and so I have run out of things to talk about. Therefore, I will start explaining things that are completely irrelevant to the story.

Greater sage-grouse: also called sagehen, it is the largest bird of the grouse order found in North America. They are peculiar for having two sacs on their chest, which they inflate during courtship display and make them look as if they had a big pair of boobs. Sadly, this is the one bird that doesn't have "tit" in its name.

Lalochezia: The act of relieving stress or pain through saying, or more often shouting, vulgar words. E.g.: "Lalochezia is the act of relieving stress or pain through saying, or more often shouting, vulgar words"

Italy and New Zealand: The countries of Italy and New Zealand are almost on the opposite side of the globe, and by coincidence, or will of the gods, New Zealand kind of looks like an upside-down Italy. Not the opposite.