What happens when plan B fails?

Henry wandered the halls in search of a club. Walking past the empty classrooms, his footsteps echoed slightly as he pushed on the soft wood that made up the narrow, Tibetan style bridge leading to a minor wing of the school. He was hoping that the main reason he hadn't found Gimei was that he had only checked one out of the four buildings that made up the school complex. If all of the subsidiary wings and basements came up empty, he had planned to put up missing person posters asking for her club.
He walked down unknown hallways, which weren't that much more unknown than the hallways next to his class considering this was his first day, trying to find either a club or a face that he could recognize.

He stopped. A very unusual detail caught his attention. He was standing now in front of a closed door. But, there was no other way around it, the door was evidently painted on. It was a very realistic painting, with all the details and shading necessary, but nonetheless it was as fake as it was two dimensional. Using an actual photo would have probably helped, but alas, on the thin sheet of solid cardboard was the drawing of a door.

Henry was unsure on how to deal with the fake door, but after looking at it for some seconds, he decided to knock on it. It didn't make a lot of sound, considering it was made of paper and not of wood, and also wobbled a bit. There was no answer. Before looking behind it, Henry decided to knock a second time.

"Occupied!" A muffled voice answered from behind the door.

"It's a bathroom?! Wait a second, I recognize that voice!"

"Ah!"

Henry grabbed the side of the door and pulled it away, revealing that Hajime, the "kuudere" of his class, was holding up the cardboard.

"What are you doing?"

But instead of answering, Hajime threw the fake door at him and ran away.

"Agh! Wait, I want to ask you something!"

Henry wasn't the most athletic person in the world, but also barely managed to reach the average student's athleticism, and despite that, he was very weak. Spending most of your middle school years on a gaming chair will do that to you. Hajime, however, was just as bad muscle-wise and couldn't run fast, but we won't question what she did with her middle school years out of respect. Henry could reach her with ease. But for some reason, Hajime's run also consisted of swinging her delicately closed hands left and right at shoulder height. This slowed down her run even further, but also made her look "cutesy" and "girly" and "not human-like". For this reason, Henry decided not to catch up to her, on purpose, just to see her run a bit longer.

This slow-paced chase ended when Hajime turned to open a door, at which point Henry stopped her by grabbing her arm.

Hajime answered by letting out a loud scream.

He immediately let her go, and the two stood there in silence for a second.

"You're a lot shyer than I thought." Whispered Henry.

The door burst open, and a small group of students came out.

"What was that scream?"

"Hajime! Are you ok?"

"What did you do to her?!"

Three girls surrounded them, and as one took Hajime to safety, the other two pointed sharp blades at Henry.

"W-wait a second, there's been a misunderstanding!" Henry raised his arms. "H-Hajime and I are from the same class and I'm a new student so I just wanted to join a club but I don't really know how to do it and I also just don't know what clubs are in this school maybe there is a board or a list somewhere anyway the thing is that I just wanted to join a club from someone in my class and I've talked with Hajime before so I just wanted to ask her if she was in a club but she just started to run away for some reason and I grabbed her arm but just to stop her but she screamed and I don't know why and I'm sorry!" Henry said.

"Wow... I didn't understand a word of what he said." One of the knife-wielding girls said.

"He said club a lot. That and the word just."

"Do you want to join our club?"

"Yes, that's what I was trying to say! Wait, I'm a bit scared to ask but, what is this club?"

"Cooking."

"Oh. That's a lot tamer than I imagined. Based on the other two clubs I've seen I was expecting either a fire eating club or an accounting club."

"If you're looking for the fire eating club it's in the east wing."

"Is there really no anime club?? No, never mind. Can I try out the club? The cooking club, that is."

The three girls turned to Hajime, who had her eyes wide open and was furiously shaking her head left and right.

"What did you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything! I swear! She's just... very shy around me."

Everyone was looking at Henry with suspicious eyes. Everyone except Hajime. She was looking at Henry with desperation and disquiet.

"I know what we can do!" One of the girls went into the room and quickly returned with one of those bells you usually find at the reception of a hotel. "You can try out the club, but if you do anything that makes Hajime upset, she will ring the bell and you will immediately be kicked out!" The girl explained as she handed her the bell.

Hajime profusely rang the bell the second she received it.

"...you should at least give him a try."

"Fine!" Hajime stormed inside the room.

Finally, Henry was allowed in. His eyes widened, surprised by the amount of people crammed inside the room. Every table was in use, saturating the air with a mix of both sweet and savory (and umami, since they're in Japan) smells. Students would roam from cheap oven to cheap oven with hands gloved in oven mitts as wiggly lines floated over whatever food they were carrying.

"The cooking club is really popular!" Henry approached Hajime, who turned the other way.

"It's the second most popular club in the school." Answered the girl acting as Hajime's bodyguard.

"What's the most popular one?"

"I don't know. I just keep getting told this is the second most popular one."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll get to cooking."

Henry approached a microwave but was immediately stopped.

"What are you doing?" A boy in a stained apron put himself between Henry and the oven. He didn't even get to hear Henry's voice and yet he already looked fed up with him.

"I wanted to make some pasta!"

The boy looked at him with disgust. "Are you new here?"

"How'd you guess?"

"This side of the room is not for the newbies."

"Who are you to decide what I get and don't get to use?"

"Age Doutoshi, the club president." Said Age, pronounced not age, but aɡe.

"Well, you got me there... Still, why can't I use the microwave?"

"Other than the fact that you shouldn't need a microwave to make pasta?"

"Yes, other than that."

Age sighed.

"There are a lot of people in the club, so I— We… have decided to separate everyone into two groups."

He explained to Henry how, thanks to the popularity cooking had in Kanzen High, the people of the club had to be split. On one side, the best of cooks, those who had a real passion for cooking and who needed high grade equipment to make complex dishes. These were “the experts”. On the other hand were the students who simply wanted to cook for fun and didn't want to make a competition out of their hobby, meaning they could make do with regular equipment. They were “the normal people”.

"You look like you should fit perfectly with the second group."

"I've never got anyone to call me normal before and I won't start now! I'll show you I can cook something amazing!"

"Microwave pasta won't impress me."

"I-I knew that! And don't worry, I won't be alone. Hajime will help me!" Henry pointed to the other side to the room, where a startled Hajime was minding her business.

"President, I'm quitting the club." She accepted Henry's proposal.

"Oh, a challenge? And what do I get if what you make isn't good?"

"I will join the club!" Henry screamed.

"But I don't want you to join the club. We've got enough people as it is."

"Then Hajime won't quit!"

"She's not a bad cook, but still nothing like the experts. I don't mind if she leaves."

"What?!" Hajime cried as she approached the club president. "But I have perfect attendance!"

"We prioritize the quality of the dishes here, and yours are just average."

"See? I would treat you better than him." Henry butted in.

"That's it, I'll show what I'm really made of! Let's—" Hajime turned to Henry and flinched. She looked at him for a second, then turned around to her bodyguard. "Hanyou, let's get cooking!"

"She'll warm up to me sooner or later." Henry lied to both Age and himself. "But I have to ask. As the club president, shouldn't you encourage cooking, even if it isn't high quality? Not to be blunt but, why are you being a rude meanie?" Henry was as family-friendly as he could.

"I've had a poor upbringing."

"Ah, I see. Right."

Not knowing how to respond, Henry decided to leave and get to helping Hajime.

"Gaikan, preheat the oven to 180 degrees." Hajime instructed to her friend, "Hanyou, get me flour and eggs." Her bodyguard was ready to cook. "I'm going to make a salty cake so good it'll blow his clothes away." She got to work.

"Alright, I'm here! How can I help?" Henry interrupted her.

"By leaving the room." Hajime answered without looking away from the vegetables she was cutting.

"Oh, you and your shyness. C'mon, just give me a task and I'll help you out."

Hajime looked at him. She walked to the fridge and came back holding a yellow bell pepper.

"What do I need to do?" Henry curiously asked.

Hajime handed him the, technically speaking, berry, gave him a thumbs up, and returned to cutting her vegetables.

"W-what... What do I do with it?"

And so, Hajime and her friends (not Henry) worked together to prepare the base for the cake that will win the president's respect. Even if he didn't deserve it. From zucchini to broccoli and other vegetables that had Italian names, the pie was a colorful harmony of tastes and smells. It was also wet, but I only pointed it out to include all five senses. All that was left was to put it in the oven and wait.

Hajime stared at the opaque oven door, feeling its heat and impatiently waiting for the salty cake to bake. It took almost half an hour to fully cook it. Hajime remained focused, motivated to win, but after the first ten minutes boredom was starting to get to her. Once in a while Henry would approach her, bell pepper in hand, but she would quickly shoo him away like a cat that really should stop getting in the way of the cook. Sooner or later Hajime gave up on staring at the oven and began chatting with her friends. Henry was still holding the pepper, but now he was also using the other hand to waste time on his phone.

The ding of the oven timer brought everyone back to the competition. Hajime, who totally didn't forget about it, jumped as she heard the sharp sound. She rushed to the oven and took out the dish. Hesitant, she got closer to it and smelled it. A smile as warm as the pie appeared on her face. She cut a slice and placed it on a plate, next to a leaf of lettuce with a small tomato and some random lines of balsamic vinegar drawn on the plate like you see in fancy restaurants, which served no purpose. She called out to Age and readied a table just for him. She walked slowly to bring him the dish. The club president picked up a fork, cut a slice of the pie with its side and slowly brought it to his mouth.

Hajime and her friends were huddled close together, waiting for the judgment. Henry was also there, at a reasonable distance. The room seemed quieter.

After dreadful seconds of uncertainty, Age finally spoke.

"...This doesn't make you an expert," and here the club leader paused for dramatic effect, "but you can stay in the club."

The girls cheered and hugged as they celebrated their victory. Henry tried to join but was pushed away.

"You can definitely show your talent when you try. If you put this effort in all the dishes you made you might actually end up in the expert group."

"I don't need to worry about that, Mr. president." Hajime talked loudly as she took off the apron, "Because I quit!" She threw the apron to the ground.

Her friends, and Henry, gasped. Even Age showed a tiny bit of surprise.

"Keep your experts," Hajime continued, "I don't need the respect of someone who looks down on others!"

Hajime confidently walked out the door, never to return to the club. The club president simply stood there, speechless. He looked down on the apron that was now on the ground, and then stormed out of the room.

"She always was the bold type." commented Hanyou.

"Say," Henry quietly asked her, "how come this is the second-most popular club if the president is so hostile?"

"You don't pay for the ingredients or utensils, and after you're done cooking you can eat it with your friends."

"People only come to the club to hang out and get free food?? ...smart."

"You'll join the club then?"

"I have never cooked anything in my life, so I'll look for something else."

Now that Hajime had quit the club, and since he didn't feel responsible for it, Henry didn't have a reason to join the club. He left the room.

Henry walked around the school some more, but his hopes of finding Gimei had vanished by then. He decided he would check the schoolyard, where he had seen her that morning. But that would be the last place he'd check before going home. It was easy to retrace his steps and find the right spot, also thanks to the big hole that was left in the ground.

"It must be where Chiharu buried me earlier. I wonder what she was doing here... Didn't she say something like strength training?"

But as he was busy wondering whether he had been lied to or not, the dirt around his feet collapsed, making him fall down the hole once more. This time, however, it seemed that the hole didn't have a bottom. Henry spiraled in the dark, falling without halt for a few seconds. Screaming, scared, wandering what kind of flawed safety standards this school had, he eventually reached the end of this vertical journey. He didn't think he would survive, but to his surprise whatever he was lying on felt soft. Everything was black and he couldn't understand why. Then he noticed his eyes were closed.

"...Why are you holding a bell pepper?" A feminine voice asked him.

"I don't know myself... G-Gimei?!"

Henry opened his eyes to find none other than Gimei, covered in dirt and looking at him with a confused look. He was lying inside some sort of cave, with his head on her lap.

"What happened? No, wait, what are you doing here? No, wait, what is this place? No, wait,"

"One thing at a time!" She interrupted him. "You're in my grotto... That answers all your questions actually."

"Your grotto!?"

"I dug it myself!" It was evident in her voice that she was very proud of her accomplishment.

"You what?! I honestly don't know if I should be more concerned on the why or the how!"

"I think you'll get your answers if you just get a look at the place."

She was smug while saying that. Gimei's grotto (not an innuendo) was a deep and cavernous hole, somewhat round and with irregular walls, with a couple of supporting beams connected by a line of festoons. Placed on the uneven dirt was a bedside table that was missing the bed, with a fake brown bird laying on its top. Around the walls there were a small bookshelf filled with books and manga, four lit candlesticks, and a kotatsu right in the middle. On top of its blanket, various maps of foreign countries.

"I see, the answer to the how is magic and the answer to the why is madness..."

"Also known as elbow grease!"

"And yet this is still less ridiculous than the chiropractor club."

"By the way, are you hurt?"

"No, I fell but somehow neither me nor the bell pepper got scratched."

"Then why are you still lying down?"

Henry had not moved an inch since the beginning of the conversation. It was very awkward to look around the room without lifting his head.

"Are you kidding?! This is a classic lap pillow! A demon could spawn from the ground to threaten me and I still wouldn't move!"

Gimei shoved him off and stood up.

"Welcome to the PIAD!" She walked to the center of the room, on top of the kotatsu, and spread her arms.

"Let's just skip my confusion and directly get to your explanation."

"It's my club!"

"Your club?! You're telling me I searched the whole school looking for you while you were underground?!"

"You seem to like looking for me."

"You seem to keep getting into hard-to-reach places! Why is the club in a cave?"

"This is the Adventure Club, of course it's in a cave!"

"And the school allowed this?"

"The club or the cave?"

"...The cave."

"It doesn't matter, since the school didn't allow it either."

"There's a small problem then. Why are you still here?"

"Don't you get it? When I proposed the PIAD to the teacher, he told me that he couldn't allow it because "a club where the whole premise is leaving the school doesn't make sense". Obviously, he said that on purpose! The activity itself of founding the club should be an adventure, and I solved it by building a secret club underneath the school!"

Henry slowly nodded throughout the explanation, but nothing he heard was positive.

"...what does PIAD mean?"

"It's the acronym I came up with after finishing the grotto. It's the Probably Illegal Adventure Club!"

"Wouldn't that be PIAC?"

"PIAD sounds better."

"Right, of course." Henry looked around, "Are there any people in the club?"

"Just me... The fact that it's probably illegal makes it a bit hard to advertise. But you managed to find it on your own! It must be fate."

Henry looked at her in silence. Was it fate? Or was it a Goldberg machine of improbable actions that brought to a hardly believable conclusion?

"Is there a problem?" Gimei asked, noticing his expression.

"No, I was just considering how much I value my own wellbeing. Alright! I'll join the club, but when the ceiling of this grotto inevitably collapses and kills us both I want my ashes scattered over the Tokyo Big Sight." Henry extended the hand that wasn't holding the bell pepper.

"Deal!" She smiled and shook his hand.

"Ok. What do we do now?"

"Now we go home. It's gotten pretty late."

It had in fact gotten to the time when Japanese students had to go home from their clubs (which I won't need to specify as I'm sure you already know). Henry stood up and looked at the hole he came from (again, not an innuendo), which was above him.

"Wait a second, how do we get out?"

"From here!"

Gimei moved the kotatsu and revealed a small hole going down.

"Don't we need to go up to leave?"

"This hole was already here when I dug the grotto, and it leads to a small field right outside the school! Convenient, isn't it?"

"Isn't that just a mole tunnel!? Aren't you worried an animal might come in?"

"We could get a mascot!"

"I think I'm starting to understand what kind of character you are."

The two high school students climbed down the hole, and then crawled up the hole (still not an innuendo). They emerged a minute later covered in dirt and surrounded by tall grass. (I swear this is not even close to an innuendo)

"Reminder for tomorrow: bring gloves and a protective suit." Henry said to himself as he tried to clean his uniform. "Are you ok with dirtying yourself every time you leave the grotto? Won't you ruin the damask?"

"Don't worry, I think in my whole life I've been covered in dirt more often than I've been clean."

"Then would you say you're a dirty girl?" Henry embarrassed himself. (Would you look at that, this time it was an innuendo)

"I will see you again tomorrow!" Gimei thankfully ignored him. "Don't be late this time. Right after school ends, we're going to the club! Bye bye!"

Gimei walked away, bathed in the sunset. Henry followed her soon after, bathed in the awkwardness of having to walk the same way after saying goodbye to someone.

POSTFACE

- EXTRA JOKES WITH THE EXCUSE OF A GLOSSARY

Kotatsu: DANGER: ★★★☆☆; CATEGORY: Alluring Monster; DESCRIPTION: A modern day siren, this creature hides in people's homes during the winter, camouflaging itself as a simple table covered by a warm sheet. But don't be fooled by its inviting appearance! Underneath its soft and comfy skin hides a true beast (an electric heater) that wants to lure you into its warm maw. Once you accept its supple embrace, nothing will ever be able to pull you out.

Goldberg machine: It's a complex mechanism involving any object imaginable to accomplish any task at all in any way possible... It's easier to understand if you look up a video about it.

Tokyo Big Sight: Like Mecca, but with slightly less people and surprisingly many more adult comics. Just as religious. Some hidden lore about this building reveals a name, forgotten over the eons: Tokyo International Exhibition Center.