I Hate Myself

Why am I even here?

Why do us Japanese always have these after-work workplace gatherings anyway?

It feels more like obligation than morale building.

I always resisted coming to these as I only took this job because I was overqualified and I needed a paycheck to keep playing my net game at night.

The exam to be a pharmacy tech was easy considering I was going to be a biological and pharmaceutical researcher.

But here I am 4 years later pouring drinks to my co-workers waiting for the time to escape to the safety of my apartment.

Oh, finally the boss is signaling he is going to head home.

Maybe I can get a couple of hours of game time in before I fall asleep from the drinks.

I use the sign the boss is heading out as my queue to do so as well and give all my co-workers the usual goodbye greeting.

The early spring night air is cold and I button the top on my jacket to keep warm while I stop by a vending machine during the walk to grab a hot can of coffee.

Just as I finished and toss the can in the recycle bin, I get a call.

It’s from Michiru’s father Taro.

I go ahead and answer it.

“Hello?...Yes, I have an early shift so I won’t make it until the afternoon…Uh, sure I’ll come by to have dinner with you…Ok, I’ll see you later tomorrow.”

Uhg, what did I just do?

I don’t particularly have any issues with Taro, I only said I was going later because I feel so awkward when we visit her site together.

I’m only partially lying since I’m just going in to pick up my paycheck then run some errands.

I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now.

I’ll just get back and relax a bit online and then get ready for that early shift tomorrow.

I get through the door and head right for my PC.

I log in and get to playing.

I can’t really do much since I have to get ready for my trip to work and then go to the grave site.

I guess I’ll do some crafting since that’s always relaxing.

Being a functioning shut-in is such a pain sometimes.

Thankfully since I had dinner at the izakaya I can skip that part and dedicate more time to gaming.

Just dealing with people in the minimum amount I do all day at work is extremely tiring.

I just want to hide here in my apartment away from everyone.

Taking my time crafting stuff for my guild members I decided to make as gifts and to help them in their quests.

As I was finishing my eighth or so item I start to nod off…

* * *

“Hey, Shinichi.” I hear a familiar voice.

“Yes, what is it?”

“I feel like going out to a movie tonight.”

“Sounds good to me. You have one in mind?”

“Well.” She says as she cozies up to me and places her hand on my chest and starts rubbing. “There was that musical I have been wanting to see.”

“Hmmm, well I don’t know.” As I slyly reply tilting my head and putting my index finger cheek.

“We can go by that Italian Restaurant afterwards.” She responds as she moves her hand to my face and leans down to kiss my lips.

“I do like that place but, a musical is going to have to take more than a belly full of tasty carbonara.” I continue toying with Michiru.

“I think that and some great merlot can set the mood for some after dinner alone time.”

“You know I don’t drink anymore.”

“Since when? I know you can’t hold your liquor like me but this is strange.”

“What do you mean I haven’t for four years now…four…years. What is going on you’re not here anymore. You left me all alone!”

“What are you talking about? I’m right here!”

“No, you’re not! You died and left me all alone!”

* * *

A loud noise wakes me up.

The alarm on my phone blares out to bring me back to reality.

It’s that damn dream again.

It’s been a while since the last one.

While the start was nice the end just made me mad.

I let out a sigh.

What a great mood to start this day off.

I log out and get out of my computer chair and head to the bathroom and take a shower.

Why did I blame her anyways?

Uhg, stupid dreams, it’s more like a nightmare to have to be falsely reunited with her.

I hate myself sometimes.

It’s not her fault she died it was that asshole she saved.

I finish up my shower, get dressed and head out the door to work to pick up my paycheck.

After all the errands are done, I finally end up at the family site here.

Hmm, looks like her parents brought more offerings than usual.

I leave the standard offerings, light the incense and bow my head, clap and offer my thoughts to her.

“So, it’s been 4 years now. Not much has really changed in the that time. I have barely been keeping myself together still. The pharmacy job has still kept me busy. I know that’s not the plan we had before but I just don’t have any desire at all to try to accept that job at all. That was for us to build our future together and eventually a family. I really don’t know what to do with myself any more. We had these grand plans and dreams but, what do I do now? My days are all just work, gaming and sleeping. Somedays it takes all my strength just to leave the apartment to get a convenience store dinner and debate if my hunger is stronger than my desire of staying in and away from people. Then when I start to feel a little better, I have what happened last night. Dreams of false reunions and situations like nothing ever happened. This just serves to bring back the hopelessness and anger of being left here alone after so many years together. I hate myself being like this and I know you would as well but, I’m so lost. Well long story short, I keep hoping things will get better. I miss you every day. Well, I guess I can’t hold this off anymore. I’m going to your parents’ house for dinner. I’ll see you in a few months for Obon. You always liked the fireworks. I’ll set some off for you then.”

At that I clap once again, let out a sigh and set out to Michiru’s parents’ house for dinner.