To Engagements

“Cara?” Sig repeats.

I nod. “Yes. I guess I should explain. Cara isn’t their actual name, it’s just what I have been calling them since I can’t remember their name. I’ve been getting these— impressions. And they always give me the sense that Cara is someone important to me and that they need me.”

“Aahhh!” Sig sighs sweetly. Looks at me lovingly.

“They’re a girl.” I clarify.

“Oh. Not me then?”

“Not you.” I confirm. Then, when I see his disappointment, I hastily add, “But you are very important to me too! I know that for sure!”

Sig rubs his stubble covered chin thoughtfully.

“I think they’re younger than me.” I add.

“Hmm. Not your mother, then.”

“A younger sister?” I venture.

“No.” Sig refutes. “You have four older brothers. No sisters though. Honestly, I don’t know. I would have guessed your mother, since you often mentioned how she’s been a big motivator for you. But since Cara is younger than you, I don’t know. Are you sure you’re interpreting these impressions correctly?”

I want to say yes. That I know Cara is out there somewhere waiting for me. That she’s not Sig and not my mother. That she’s a girl younger than me and she needs me. But I can’t bring myself to say it. Because I honestly don’t know if I’m correct. I could easily be wrong. But for now, this is all I have to go on. And besides. What if I’m right?

“I guess I could be wrong,” I admit. “But it doesn’t feel that way! Just keep thinking about it and if anyone comes to mind, please tell me. Okay?”

“I will.” Sig agrees.

He smiles at me. His eyes full of compassion and understanding. The opposite of mine, which I know are full of sadness and disappointment. He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. The touch makes my skin tingle. But I resist the urge to pull away. To my relief, he releases my hand after only a moment. Then his smile morphs to a mischievous grin.

“So, do you want to know how we met?” He asks.

Yes! I resist shouting. But can’t stop Sig’s grin from creeping onto my own lips.

My disappointment is replaced by curiosity. I’m no closer to finding Cara, but perhaps learning more about myself will help. So might as well start with the man I’m engaged to marry.

“You have my attention.” I say, trying not to sound too eager. “Just tell me our meeting wasn’t caused by my— diminutive stature.”

“What?” He snickers.

“Well. I mean.” I stammer, regretting having brought up my idea that we met by him tripping over me. I feel my cheeks heating up. But I see no way to avoid elaborating, so in a quiet voice I say, “Well, I had this idea that because I’m so short, maybe I tripped you because you couldn’t see me, and that’s how we met.”

Sig looks at me for a moment. Then slaps his knee and guffaws in my face.

“Don’t laugh!” I shout, my cheeks feeling hot enough to boil water. “I wasn’t serious! It was just a random thought!”

“That’s great!” Sig says, catching his breath. “I should start telling people that’s how we met.”

“I think I would rather you didn’t.” I say, regretting bringing up the idea in the first place.

“Okay. Okay. Only joking. Now, then, here’s how we actually met. It was several months ago, just a week after the summit had started. There’s a peaceful spot with green grass and shady trees not far from here that I happened across one day and, on a whim, decided to stop there for lunch. While eating, you passed by. Under your breath, I heard you whisper something about my mangled hair and ragged clothes, putting my handsome features to waste.”

“Oh no.” I lament, hiding my face in my hands.

Sig chuckles then continues. “I know you didn’t mean it as an insult, mind you. I think it was just an observation that you didn’t expect for me to hear. But since I did overhear and being myself, that same hour I got a trim, a shave, and bought the fanciest clearance outfit I could find.”

“And you being you, this wasn’t to impress me, was it?” I clarify.

“You’re catching on. Nope, this was just to mess with you.” He confirms. “Next day I go back to the same spot, same time, and lucky me, you come walking by. And I will never forget the look on your face when you saw me. It was worth every coin I spent. Unforgettable.

“And I would have been happy with just that. But you being the smart elf you are, you must have immediately figured out that I overheard you the day before because you came right over, ears blazing red, and apologized profusely. I was never actually insulted, so I could have let you off the hook then. But something stopped me. Something about you was intriguing to me, and I didn’t want to let the chance slip by to get to know you better. So instead, I told you if you really wanted to apologize, you would have to take me out to dinner. We went out, had a lovely time, and we started courting soon after. It was only three weeks ago that we got engaged, though.”

Sig pauses. His eyes somber, solemn, sad. Though, they were joyful only moments ago.

“What?” I ask.

“I suppose that leads us to an important question. Are we still engaged?” He asks, his eyes watching me closely.

I look down. Lock my gaze on the table. Are we still engaged? The question makes my insides squirm. My instinct is no. But the thought of saying it aloud hurts my heart. I try imaging marrying Sig and all that entails. But this only makes it worse. Equal measures of happiness, enthusiasm, and joy are opposed by revulsion, anxiety, and fear. Adding in the guilt for feeling negative emotions in the first place, and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach.

Before my spiraling feelings reach a crashing end, Sig interjects, “You don’t need to come to a decision right now! It’s not as if we have a time limit. We haven’t set a wedding date. Heck, we’ve barely discussed plans. All we really decided on was that we would hold the ceremony in Emberheart, where I’m from, and that we would continue living there after.”

I swallow hard. Hand pressed against my chest, I say, “Okay. Thank you. I think I’m just overwhelmed and in need of rest. Getting married sounds wonderful— but also horrifying at the same time. It’s hard to explain. I just— I just need my memories back, then I know I will want to! Then I—”

I stop myself when I see the look in Sig’s eyes. Disappointment. I want to justify myself. But I know it won’t help. Just as I can’t bring myself to say I don’t want to marry him. I can’t bring myself to say I do want to. And I know Sig realizes it too. And is hurt by it.

I want to apologize. Or crawl under a rock. Or cease to exist. Something to improve the awful situation! But I’m so incompetent, all I can think to do is change the conversation topic.

In an effort to lighten the mood. And dispel the bleak atmosphere between us. I play on my lack of memories and ask a question I know is stupid. A question I’ve been wanting to ask since I first heard the word used by Coral.

“I’ve been wanting to ask something.” I begin. “I know this is probably stupid, and it seems obvious to everyone else, but— what exactly is a cat?”