CERVANTES - What the rain takes away

     " It wasn't perfect. It never is" She seems to be in the mood today "But we met in highschool, like so many people, and we started going out, and then we just kept going. It was like a car downhill, we just let it be and it moved on its own. We weren't together for brief periods of time here and there, like when he went to the city to study, or when I went upstate to help my sister with her newborn daughter. But we kept in touch and in time we found our way to each other" She starts coughing pretty ugly.

     "You okay?" I get near her to see if I can be of any help.

     "No darling, don't you worry. You know, when I was younger I often though about growing old, and I lived in perpetual fear of having more pains than pleasures, of needing more medicines than I could care, of just seeing whatever makes life worth living flow away. But then it came a good time, a happy moment, my children and grandchildren, and realized that I shouldn't worry about it too much, that happiness is always there, you just gotta open your eyes real wide. Even now, with my husband being gone almost two years now... I take comfort taking care of the garden just the way he did. And I know, I'm no fool, that my time is near, every visit to the doctor means more pills, sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with such cold I think the heat has already leave my body" Yikes, that sounds bad.

     "You sure you are okay Miss Ursula? I know I ask this every time, but you don't have anyone to come and stay with you from time to time?" I'd do it, you know? But somehow I feel like I would be lifting the burden from her family.

     "Sadly no. I surely would like for them to visit me more often but what are we gonna do? They're busy after all" Three kids, none of them have time apparently and her grandchildren are too young to visit alone from that far away in the state. I'm a little grudgy, she doesn't hold it against them but that's because she's just too nice of a person, the same reason they are so carefree regarding her health.

     In a way, I enjoy this little errands. Ever since she lost her husband she occasionally asks me to lend her a hand, fixing this, carrying that, buying these from there. Every now and then I feel like doing something else would be a better use of my time but she really needs some help since her family doesn't come often and it's nice being of help.

     "Although my niece is about to finish her studies and my sister told me she intends to came her and stay a few weeks while she sorts something with his graduation papers. So that's gonna be nice."

     "Sure it is. And don't hesitate to give me a call if anything happens ok?"

     "Sure sure, don't worry about. What was you asked me? Right, about my husband. How I knew I was meant to stay with him? Let me tell you a story."

     "It was... maybe the third time we went our separate ways. He was doing his own things, trying to make journalism work and I stayed here. I knew he wasn't staying around, he was in the city for the most part so I knew I wouldn't find him suddenly on the street. Have you ever split with someone and all of a sudden, the feeling of wanting to see them, the longing, suddenly turns into panic and anxiety? Well, I knew that was not gonna be the case with me, he was away and I was here, helping my father with his car shop. At the time I got injured, broke my arm so I was using an arm cast and it was the most terrible feeling, not to be able to more freely and grasp things the way I wanted. So one of those days I got onto a bus, it took off and because of the movement I fell on the floor, it was pretty fast it's not like I was there for whole minutes, but suddenly someone came near me and help me stand, it was all so fast that I couldn't even see who was, probably he neither, and just in the moment I stood up the bus hit a bump so I nearly fell again, but this person, who at the time I didn't know who was, hugged me so I didn't fall. It is silly, looking back, these things that only seems to happen in movies, I've lived long enough to live a lot of them, things that are too coincidental or cheesy as you might say, but these do happen, you'll get to see, specially in this town. And this hug, it meant a lot to me, because I felt attracted immediately to this kind stranger who didn't want to see me fall. And after the whole hustle, I looked up and see it was him, my now deceased husband, I saw a glimpse of recognition, so I always stayed with the idea that he didn't know who I was neither until that moment. After I saw who he was, I guess the feeling I got made sense, after that we chat a little but we sat apart from each other. But you know what? Maybe the thing that made me reach out to him later and trying to make things work again, was the look in his eyes. The look in his eyes when he saw the reason I stumbled and fell. He saw my arm cast and he looked sad, like he was saying 'Why are you wearing that? What happened?' but suddenly realized that he didn't know because he wasn't around, and became sad with the feeling, And in that moment he thought 'I won't leave you again' "

      She makes a pause, as if she is trying to remember something specific. The silence surrounding this neighborhood screams. The farther we are from the city square the houses are more apart from each other, so essentially the noise becomes non-existant at this point. I am her closest neighbor (and viceversa), so any loud noise from the other we hear it.

     "But, as later I came to know, he would leave one last time, but that's a story for another time " She goes on "The thing is, I believe some things just came around, end up falling into place one way or another, of course in retrospective that's what happens, you know now that what happened in the past had a reason, bu in the actual moment I still think some things work themselves into a place where, in the future, when you look back, it will make sense. My husband once told me something funny, talking about things making sense, sadly I understand it after he passed away. While he was sitting on the couch with nothing better to do but to think, he gasp and said: 'You know what I am thinking? That if you pick any dictionary of any language that, presuposedly, you are not acquainted at all, and select any word at random, and then you proceed to look for the definition of every word of that definition, and then the words of that definitions and so on, at one point you should be able to encompass all said language and go back to your very first word' 'And?' I asked him 'What I'm trying to say is, since every word counts on other words to be able to have meaning, at some point you're gonna have to treat some words as if you already know them for other things to make sense, because in the end every language recurs to itself to be able to, you know, explain itself. We use words to explain words! Think about children, they often used words they don't know the meaning of until the meaning gets clearer, and at that point, the meaning has always been there, but if we never treat some words we don't know as if they, at some point, will make sense, we would never be able to speak' " Wow, how fluent, Miss Ursula should've recount this in her head many times to be able to talk about this without confusion "And I think that's what happens with death and love, you have it and you gotta cherish it today because tomorrow it will acquire the meaning it had since yesterday."

     She pulls something from the garden, as if the retelling of her memories didn't affect her at all. I sigh, I don't know why. We're near the mountains, so in winter there's a cold breeze every now and then. The sun is setting, getting late.

     "We've finished" She tells me.

     "Do you need any help somewhere else?"Just mowed her lawn, is getting late so I hope if she does want a hand with something else it doesn't take long, also the sun rays are hitting way too hard from this angle, in winter it isn't necessarily hot but when the sun comes out tends to burn more than it warms.

     "No son, don't worry. What if you come inside a little and drink some coffee with bread?" I'd rather be on my way, but every now and then I enjoy Miss Ursula's coffee. I usually drink it dead black, no sugar nor anything. Miss Ursula notwithstanding adds some cinnamon and unrefined brown cane sugar, in the end it is more like another sweet beverage than how I usually drink my coffee, but now I want something sweet, maybe because of the hard work I've done the whole afternoon, maybe because of the talk about dead and love.

     Been here drinking coffee and chatting for over an hour, so I decide I should be going. Miss Ursula waves goodbye while I walk away towards my house, it isn't far, we're neighbors after all. A few years ago that didn't actually bother me, but the more time it passed the more I realized I'm fond of the quietness of the mountains, before parting to the university I craved for noise and parties, now that I'm back in my childhood house without my parents I'm very comfortable, tho sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be okay with this situation forever, the steadiness of the straight line, the nothing outrageous or shaky happening ever in my life. If my life was a book, who would read about a guy who is happy and never has any trouble or issue?

     I worry one day I'm gonna wake up and find a self-destructive tendency inside me and I'm gonna make a mess anywhere so I have something to clean. Always thought that was the Buendía's curse in One hundred years of solitude, all about not being able of settle down and be happy with yourself in a plain manner, like watching a wall without pictures or embellishments and think "That wall needs something, too empty" Is it that bad being a king with no wars or tumults under his watch? A soldier with no fights under his belt? But if that's the case, maybe we're not soldiers, maybe in order to be happy as a warrior when no wars are needed is, precisely, to quit being one. So... what do we need as humans to stop being for us to be happy or something like that? What exactly is the fuel we need to keep moving? Maybe the whole issue with the human is precisely that, in order to be something we have never been, we need to stop being what we always have been.

     Now in my house, I pet Amaranta as soon as she comes running when I go inside. Other than the fridge and its noise, the whole house sounds dead. Don't get me wrong, with Amaranta's barking and running I have enough noise going around at all times. But that doesn't change the fact that for most people this is a quite house. A while back before my parents moved out with my brother the house steamed with something happening always at all times. Now is quieter, for the better and worse.

     What Darío always tells me is if I'm not scared at night, when the lights go down and the silence creeps from without-.Truth be told? No. But that only holds up as long as I don't interact with scary stories and such. Darío is such a scaredy cat he scares himself to death. A time ago we were watching Signs, alien movie with Mel Gibson you know, it was night time of course, who would watch anything scary with sunlight? Long story short, he was staying over in my place and after the movie I went to my room, he was gonna stay in the guest's room so I left him be. 2 o'clock in the morning and a scream scared me out of my bed, Amaranta started barking and we both went to see what was happening.

     Turns out, Dario couldn't sleep so he got the incredible idea of picking up one of my Lovecraft's books. He was reading "The whisperer in the darkness". You see, Dario is a weak being for scary stuff but still he craves for it, he's the same with spicy food, never met any other person so vulnerable to jalapeño but still so eager to eat it. So there he was, reading the story that didn't let me sleep when I first read it. The thought of an eye, watching you thru space and waiting for the moment to take you... Aliens and darkness, bad combination when you're not in a brave mood. My house has this big windows, combined with the silence, Dario couldn't help but get uneasy and at one moment he heard a sound outside and the silhouette against the dark sky of something he couldn't recognize. Basically, he wake me up because of a tree the asshole.

     But in a way he's right. The silence and the darkness often puts me in a frightened mood and, after eating dinner, I started thinking about ghosts.

     "If such a thing as ghosts exist, I would like for you to become one and keep me company until I too pass away, and then we could wander the mountains together for eternity. If it's not love what I feel for you, then what is?" I told Amaranta, who is asleep with his chin over my leg. She listens, I know, she moved her ears.

      Suddenly, she starts grunting. As I look towards what she is seeing I see the same old silhouette which scared Dario, but she jumps to the floor and runs towards the door, where she starts to bark. I realize it was not something she saw but something she heard. I open the door and go out with Amaranta, if she hears something I don't, better be sure it's not a thief or something like that.

     I barely step out of the threshold when Amaranta storms out and goes straight to the old man who was walking downstreet. Amaranta has never been the biting kind, she barks, she intimidates, but she never actually attacks someone, that's the main reason my only concern always are another animals, so I took a few seconds to realize she was, in fact, trying to bite someone.

     "Amaranta!" I yell as I run towards her. Luckily, the old man doesn't hit her, he justs tries to get away from her. I arrive just in time to avoid any trouble.

     "So sorry for that, she is not like that, I don't know what got into her" I say to the old man. Watching him closely, he sure look like someone who is hiding something, like the prototype of a spy in a hollywood movie, casual clothes, but the exact amount of casualness necessary to avoid unwanted looks.

     "Don't worry son, they tend to tell me I have this look that makes animals wanting to attack me" he laughs, but in a quietly manner, I laugh too, but louder, something about whispering or lowering my voice right now makes me feel uneasy, Amarant is restless around the man too. Haven't seen the man in my life, but something about him seems familiar, can't tell what.

     "And what kinda look is that?" I ask him, laughing nervously.

     "The hell would I know" He chuckles, that's when I see he's carrying a briefcase.

     "Coming back from work?"

     "Kinda. I came for a quick visit to a friend. Wanted to give her something."

     "Ah, that explains why I hadn't seen you before, and who's your fr... " Amaranta starts barking loudly, but at the same time she tries to get away from the old man "Sorry sir, I better get back into my house, sorry if I caused you any trouble."

     "Don't worry son, I better get going too, a hard rain's a-gonna fall."

     "Bob Dylan!"

     "You surely know your stuff kid. See you!"

     Before starting to run towards my house I take a look back to where the old man was coming from, Miss Ursula's house is in that direction, it's not that late but I think i see a light on, which is weird considering she usually is already sleep. Would she be her friend? I begin to run and Amaranta follows, before stepping into the house the first raindrops hit my face.

     Man oh o man, the old man was right. That's actually one thing sometimes I don't like about here, it tends to rain too much or too little. And when it rains it pours. But, nothing a cup of coffee and a book couldn't fix.

     An hour later, somehow the rain seems to have gotten worse, now I'm worried the lights go out, I wonder if Miss Ursula's doing okay, at least I have Amaranta, but the only thing she has to keep her company is her husband's garden... now that I think about it there might be some trees that can get hurt because of the rain, none of us thought about putting them some protection, I really hope Miss Ursula does not try to cover them under all this rain, tomorrow I'll go see her and see what we can do, it seems a little strange tho to have this kinda rain this time of the year.

     Talking about baaad decisions, remembering Dario and his weak guts made me wanna reread Lovecraft. There is something about cosmic horror I love. And I always thought it is not so much the "horror" part but the "cosmic" part. I mean, there is something primal in the fear of the unknown isn't it? And the cosmos seems precisely that, a vast sheet of unknowness. Always imagined that architecture (all those giant structures and pyramids and churches) came to be by means of pure fear, fear of the unknown, of the other, of the animals, of the rain...

     I imagine myself running towards a cave in the dark, my torch gone a second ago and not a single ray of light coming from the moon. Having awakened just a few minutes ago, the only thing I could hear of was the heavy breathing of something behind the bushes, the very same bushes where my friend went to take a pee hours ago, in fact, I called his name and he didn't answer me, the only thing I got as a response was the feeling of blood on the floor, and the breathing of something becoming heavier. Now, running towards a cave, hoping to be able to take shelter before the unknown traps me between his claws, I can only think "Dude, if only I got a house with thick walls, maybe some protection on the windows and a way to go in and out and lock the door behind me so no one but me can enter. That would be rad"

     The unknown, the fear of it, propelled the human being into shelters. We erect walls, install security cameras and go to war because of fear, because of the movement it causes in ourselves. Fear of deities, of ancient gods, of our neighbor being a criminal, of the stray animal getting in, of unknown creatures creeping deep beneath the ocean, resting inside churches of religions too dark to remember... the thought makes me wanna run and hide inside a cave to be honest.

     Just as I was thinking of cosmic horror, a lightning bolt hit not so far away from here, sadly, the lights go out. Now I'm more worried about Miss Ursula, it's almost midnight so I hope the rain doesn't take too long to stop so I can go and see her. In retrospective, it was a bad idea reading cosmic horror now that I have to go out in the middle of the night, but hey, what are we gonna do.

     I don't know if it's just me but I get the feeling I stepped into a thriller or horror story of a kind, between the old man and the rain I feel as if my life suddenly has a creepy filter all over it, not that I'm complaining, but given the gift the old lady gave me the other day I thought this was gonna be more vanilla. Crap, the envelope, totally forgot. What was it again? What did she say was inside? A photograph of my soulmate, apparently. I have heard stranger things indeed, but, as a matter of fact, the only reason I haven't opened it's because opening it would mean I actually want to know and, well, I actually don't want to. My biggest quality if you ask me, I can take any diet I want, I just decide it and any thing I don't have to eat I jut don't. I'm not one to do something just for the sake of doing it. Intellectual curiosity is another thing, you know, gotta try the new potato chips flavor, but gluttony? Maybe the only capital sin I don't carry with me. Okay maybe lust too. Half an hour later the rain stops, almost too sudden. I put on a jacket, boots and out I go.

     Cleaned roads. The rain must've taken all the leaves away. Miss Ursula's light is on, already a bad sign. Somehow, I thought the view would be creepier at this hour, the moon lights the landscape with a thin veil, so it's not like a can't see anything. and the silence is like a lullaby, with the trees swinging softly. Even my steps sound more melodious, Maybe this is the kinda scene someone like Bach or Wagner would've seen and thought "This is symphony,inspiring." And then go on and compose something like "Ode to silence", beginning with a violin solo with some piano beats increasing over time. Would be nice. In another life, I would've liked been a composer.

     Without realizing, I found myself within 5 meters of Miss Ursula's front door. Close enough to see her body lying on the floor.