Killer king

Iori started out simple enough by moving her pawn to e4, but as soon as Pewler moved his pawn to e5...

"So why were you saying kings were super lame-o?" Iori asked.

"The king is weak. It is nothing but a frail old relic that should be done away with. Rather it should be-"

"Yeah, king's are lame-o, but that's why it's mondo gratifying to kick someone's ass... WITH DA BONGCLOUD!" Iori declared as she slammed her king down on e2.

Pewler mearly shook his head and moved his pawn to d5. "You are just as stubborn as the old relic the king represents, or perhaps deluded," he sneered as Iori moved her queen to e1.

"But aren't you tryin' to be a king?" Iori asked as Pewler moved his knight to c6.

"No, I am a president. Presidents are the leaders of democracies, kings are nothing but rotting old relics of the past."

"Yet ya have no problem with queens."

"Because the queens are more powerful. Even in Constitutional monarchies-"

"Yeah shut up, I came her to wreck your ass, not hear your soapbox. Speakin' of which, ya just put soap in your mouth cuz the king and queen ARE swappin' positions, just like ya wanted," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d1.

"Perhaps I misjudged, you are not akin to a stubborn relic of the past, your akin to a degenerate deluded edgelord that thinks they're cool by saying and doing hurtful things, yet only cause harm," Pewler glared as he captured the pawn at e4 with his d-pawn.

"Uh, you seen the likes I get on my videos? Not to mention my n00dz 0nly gets me mondo allowance funds," Iori snickered as she moved her pawn to f3.

"All the more reason that once this match is over, I invoke martial law to criminalize the kind of content degenerates like you like and create and repaint America- No, the entire world the way it should be." Pewler glared as he captured the pawn at f3 with his e-pawn.

"More like you're just some sadistic fuck that gets horny watchin' people be miserable," Iori scoffed as she captured the pawn at f3 with her knight.

After moving his bishop to g4, Pewler went silent and began composing his thoughts as Iori moved her bishop to b5. "Perhaps she is sharper than I thought, or just getting lucky with her guess. After all, all my detractors argue that point, yet I'm able to sway enough people to my side to win," he thought as he moved his queen to d6.

"Lol, check," Iori snickered as she captured the knight at c6 with her bishop.

Pewler didn't so much as blink at the threat as he immediately captured said bishop with his b-pawn, prompting Iori to move her pawn to h3.

"An eye for an eye, though you are in far worse shape because of your own recklessness. Check," Pewler stated as he captured the knight at f3 with his bishop.

Iori shrugged and simply captured said bishop with her g-pawn as Pewler moved his knight out to e7. Iori then moved her pawn to d3 while Pewler castled on the queen's side.

"What a dumbass, castling's for noobs," Iori snickered as she moved her queen to e4.

"And bongclouds are for high degenerates like you," Pewler glared as he moved his pawn to f5.

"Thought you liked marijuana," Iori glared as she moved her queen to a4.

"Yes, I do since it produces a voter base that's very easy for me to sway to my side. In fact, I actually plan to get the entire populace on a drug that will turn them into proper sophisticated people, or rather sheepblossom," Pewler declared as he moved his queen to c5.

"You're blurtin' out dystopian state secrets like that? Damn, you're gonna get wrecked," Iori scoffed as she moved her knight to d2.

"How so? It's already begun. In fact, this delay is only due to you posing as Mimoko Inoue and using the DESPER key. I would have loved to watch yo be conformed to my new world order, but sadly the DESPER prioritizes death penalties above above all else," Pewler glared as he moved his pawn to a5.

Both then went silent as they began moving pieces with Iori moving her queen to c4 and Pewler moving his queen to f2. Iori then moved her rook to f1, forcing Pewler's queen to g2, and giving her to opportunity to position her rook on e1 on her next turn. Pewler decided to bring his own rook into the mix and moved it to d5, while Iori moved her pawn to b4, prompting Pewler to capture it with his a-pawn on his next turn.

Iori, however, moved her bishop to b2, prompting Pewler to defend his e-pawn by moving his queen to g3. Iori then moved her pawn up to f4, but rather than capture it, Pewler instead moved his pawn to e4. Iori also opted not to capture the pawn by moving her pawn to a3, however that allowed Pewler to advance his pawn to e3, and threaten her knight, which she promptly moved to b3 on her next turn.

However, Pewler was now free to move his queen to f3, forcing Iori's king to c1. He then inched his queen down to f2, however Iori saw through his plan and moved her king back to d1.

Pewler then clicked his tongue and promptly captured the pawn at a3 with his b-pawn, causing Iori to smile internally. "Dumbass just blew his lead, now it's flex time," she thought as she captured the pawn at a3 with her bishop.

The move shocked Pewler and prompted him to move his king to d7 as Iori slid her bishop to c5. Pewler then moved his queen to f1, once again sending Iori's king to c1, however on his next move, he marched his pawn down to e2, to prevent Iori's king from coming back to d1.

Iori didn't care one bit as she slid her rook to a6, prompting Pewler to think for a bit before moving his knight to g6. This gave Iori the opportunity to capture the bishop at f8 with her bishop, but instead of capturing it, Pewler instead opted for a queen trade and captured the pawn at f4 with his queen.

"Thought you liked queens," Iori scoffed as she captured the queen at f4 with her queen.

"I do, but sometimes sacrifices must be made," Pewler stated as he captured said queen with his knight.

"Sucks for you then, cuz now you're down a queen," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at g7 with her bishop.

That move prompted Pewler to move his rook to b8, but as soon as Iori moved her rook to a3, he moved his rook to g8 on his next turn.

"Lol, discovery," Iori grinned as she moved her bishop to h6, eliciting some frustration from Pewler as he moved his knight to e6.

Iori then continued the attack by moving her rook up to a4, while Pewler began his own attack by moving his rook to g3. Iori immediately saw through the attack an moved her rook to h4, prompting Pewler to click his tongue and move his rook to e5.

"Time for the lame-o king, to wreck ya again," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d2.

Unamused, Pewler simply nudged his rook to g2.

"Discovery numba 2! Motherfucker!" Iori shouted as she moved her bishop to f4.

"No you degenerate, it is not a discovery, it is a trade," Pewler glared as he captured said bishop with his knight.

"Then I'll take it. I get the better deal," Iori grinned as she captured said knight with her rook.

"You're only up by a point. The game is far from over," Pewler glared as he moved his pawn to c5.

"Yeah sure," Iori thought as she moved her knight to a5.

To her delight, Pewler moved his rook to h2, allowing her to move her knight to c4, forcing Pewler to move his rook to e8.

"Lol, free pawns for me," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at f5 with her rook, eliciting a frustrated groan from Pewler as he captured the pawn at h3 with his rook.

Iori then swept up the pawn at c5 with her rook as Pewler advanced his pawn to h5. "Lol, this is why knights are the best, they WRECK! CHECK!" Iori shouted as she slammed her knight down on e5.

A bead of sweat began to run down Pewler's face as he moved his king to c8. "No, NO! I'm NOT going to lose after she not only played a bongcloud, but also that stupid king and queen position swap!" he thought as Iori captured the pawn at e2 with her rook.

Pewler immediately moved his rook to g3 while Iori moved her rook to a5. He then moved his rook to e6 while Iori moved her rook to h2, prompting him to move his rook to h6 on his next turn.

Still waiting for a good opportunity, Iori moved her rook to f2, and began grinning from ear to ear after Pewler moved his king to b7. Now she was able to move her rook to f8, while Pewler opted to move his rook to a6.

"Just sealed your doom, so how's it feel to lose to a bongcloud AND a king n' queen swap?" Iori snickered as she moved he rook to b5.

"You count your chickens before they hatch!" Pewler shouted as he slammed his rook down on b6.

"Nah, your ass is dead," Iori grinned as she slid her rook to c5.

"Like hell I'm losing!" Pewler scoffed as he moved his rook to g2.

Iori simply slid her king to c3 while Pewler moved his rook to g5. She then moved her rook to f7 while Pewler moved his king to a6.

"Looks like ya finally cracked," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at c7 with her f-rook.

"Not in the slightest," Pewler snarled as he quickly moved his rook to b7.

"Nope, that just fucked ya over. Time to play the themesong," Iori snickered as she moved her 7-rook to c6.

As music began to play, Pewler scowled and moved his king to a7. "You degenerates do nothing but hypemonger and produce clickbait nothingburgers."

"Guess politicians really do try and deflect, too bad this hit knocked ya off your feet," Iori grinned as she slammed her rook down on a5, causing Pewler to scowl and move his king to b8. "Time for the chorus!" Iori grinned as she moved her knight to d7, forcing Pewler to capture it with his rook.

She then captured the rook at g5 with her rook, causing more sweat to run down Pewler's face as he panicked and captured the pawn at d3 with his rook. "NO! I-"

"Lol, you gettin' sweaty? Cuz I think I'm winning, right?" Iori taunted as she captured the rook at d3 with her king.

"LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO LOSE TO A DESPICABLE DEGENERATE HEARTLESS MURDERING WHORE LIKE YOU!" Pewler shouted as he moved his king to a8.

"Well too bad, you're about to, motherfucker!" Iori grinned as she captured the pawn at h4 with her rook, eliciting a terrified scream from Pewler.

"NO! NO! I CAN'T LOSE!" he frantically thought as he moved his king to b8.

"15 down, one to go," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d4.

This move caused Pewler to calm down a bit as he moved his king to a8. "She wants to try and do something cool I bet. Yes, this is my chance to weasel out of this with a stalemate," he thought as Iori moved her rook to h7, forcing his king to b8.

"Yeah, you can shuffle between a8 and b8 until I'm ready to wreck ya," Iori glared as she marched her king to d5.

"And just why are you marching your king here?" Pewler asked as he moved his king to a8.

"Cuz you're gonna get mated by the king you hate so much, that's why!" Iori snickered as she moved her king to d6.

"THE KING'S CAN'T MATE EACH OTHER, YOU FOOL!" Pewler shouted as he moved his king to b8.

"Oh yes they can," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d7. However, her grin got even more malicious after Pewler moved his king to a8. "Oh, now I might be able to go for a quadruple kill, she thought as she moved her rook to c7.

Pewler began going paler than a sheet as he moved his king to b8. "Calm down. She could easily stalemate me if she's not careful. Yes, there's no way she could truly beat a manipulator as good as me," he thought. "Do think carefully about your actions, young woman. I am an influential politician. Should you kill me-"

"Yeah, I've killed plenty of politicians already. Nothing new," Iori scoffed as she moved her king to d8.

Pewler nervously clicked his tongue and moved his king to a8, while Iori advanced her rook to h8. "It seems she's truly trying to do something stupid, giving me the chance to pounce on her. If I can sway her with words, stalemate is guaranteed," he thought as he moved his king to b8. "Murder is a serious crime, and should you murder someone like me, it will not only hurt others, but yourself as well. Don't be a heartless piece of shit, be compassionate."

"DESPER matches don't count as murder, nor do you deserve an ounce of compassion from me."

"B- But you would earn you the ire and scorn of my supporters if you killed me here."

"So? If an army comes after me, I just kill em with my own army," Iori glared as she moved her rook to g8.

Pewler let out a frustrated shriek as he moved his king to a8. "I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA; THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD! IF YOU KILL ME HERE, THE REPERCUSSIONS WILL BE-

"So? I killed people of all walks of life back when I killed for funsies. Why the hell would some lame-ass president make much of a difference?"

"You inhumane... Fool. It seems you are merely stalling-"

"Nah, stalling's over. Now before ya turn into Swiss cheese, just thought I'd mention you lost to a bongcloud, king n' queen swap, lost all your pieces, lost on the 69th move, and got checkmated by the king. Talk about ultimate disrespect."

"BULLSHIT! THE KING IS POWERLESS! IT CAN'T-"

SLAM!

Checkmate, you lame ass motherf*****," Iori coldly snickered as she slammed her king down on e7 and gave Pewler the middle finger.

Pewler stared in horror at the board, thanks to the king moving to e7, he had been mated by a discovered checkmate from the rook and lost the game in humiliating fashion. Before he could scream, he was teleported over to the edge of the grand canyon and found himself staring face to face with a firing squad of 44 machine guns aimed directly at him.

A drone camera then materialized and began filming as Iori gleefully whipped out her phone and watched as Pewler was pummeled by the firing squad. His blood and guts spilled everywhere and one of his hands was even blown off as his vision began to blur.

"No... My dystopian Glasstone... I was going to rule... The world. I made a terrible error in judgement... This woman isn't a degenerate whore... She's a diabolical and truly heartless monster, or perhaps even... The devil herself," Pewler thought as he fell into the canyon and ragdolling off the edges of the cliff before falling into the Colorado river with a mighty splash.

A red streak of blood adorned the rushing river as it whisked Pewler's body away crashing it against rocks and edges as it went. Iori quickly snagged Pewler's DESPER and gleefully watched the livestream of his corpse being washed away. She was then warped back to Japan, and a few minutes later, Pewler's DESPER emitted a puff of smoke, signifying his true demise.

"Guess he's dead. Sorry Mimo-chan, I know you did good by beating him before, but sometimes you just gotta kill someone if you don't want them coming back to bite you in the future," Iori thought as she pocketed Pewler's busted DESPER and took a look around. She had returned to the park in Japan. "Feels weird being back here, almost like the whole thing was a dream."

"I- Iori?"

Iori turned and stared in shock. Before her was none other than Carol. "Alright, we'll each explain what happened to us first," she glared as Carol nodded in approval.

The full game:

White: Iori Ishikiridokoro (1344) Black: Manny Pewler (2948)

1. e4 e5

2. Ke2 d5

3. Qe1 Nc6

4. Kd1 dxe4

5. f3 exf3

6. Nxf3 Bg4

7. Bb5 Qd6

8. Bxc6+ bxc6

9. h3 Bxf3+

10. gxf3 Ne7

11. d3 O-O-O

12. Qe4 f5

13. Qa4 Qc5

14. Nd2 a5

15. Qc4 Qf2

16. Rf1 Qg2

17. Re1 Rd5

18. b4 axb4

19. Bb2 Qg3

20. f4 e4

21. a3 e3

22. Nb3 Qf3+

23. Kc1 Qf2

24. Kd1 bxa3

25. Bxa3 Kd7

26. Bc5 Qf3+

27. Kc1 e2

28. Ra6 Ng6

29. Bxf8 Qxf4+

30. Qxf4 Nxf4

31. Bxg7 Rb8

32. Ra3 Rg8

33. Bh6 Ne6

34. Ra4 Rg3

35. Rh4 Re5

36. Kd2 Rg2

37. Bf4 Nxf4

38. Rxf4 c5

39. Na5 Rh2

40. Nc4 Re8

41. Rxf5 Rxh3

42. Rxc5 h5

43. Ne5+ Kc8

44. Rxe2 Rg3

45. Ra5 Re6

46. Rh2 Rh6

47. Rf2 Kb7

48. Rf8 Ra6

49. Rb5+ Rb6

50. Rc5 Rg2+

51. Kc3 Rg5

52. Rf7 Ka6

53. Rfxc7 Rb7

54. R7c6+ Ka7

55. Ra5+ Kb8

56. Nd7+ Rxd7

57. Rxg5 Rxd3+

58. Kxd3 Ka8

59. Rxh5 Kb8

60. Kd4 Ka8

61. Rh7 Kb8

62. Kd5 Ka8

63. Kd6 Kb8

64. Kd7 Ka8

65. Rc7 Kb8

66. Kd8 Ka8

67. Rh8 Kb8

68. Rg8 Ka8

69. Ke7#