Episode 1-1: To Be Understood

I wonder if you remember me.

The day we met, even.

I’d forgotten my pencil and when I asked a boy for one, he got really scary looking. His lips curled like a demon’s. He asked what I’d do for it, and-

??? - “I got one!”

-there you were. A smile on your face, holding the thing in your hand. When I turned my gaze, I felt my eyes glued to you. It’s corny, but it felt as if every spare atom were swirling around you. I didn’t understand it was possible for a person to make me feel that way.

It was scary. Just a little.

Scary enough to make it hard to speak, but that was fine. You did all the talking. Enough for that boy to lose interest.

I’m sorry to admit it, but almost everything you said went over my head. It wasn’t as important as just watching you. The only thing I remember was when you said your name.

??? - “I’m Sophie. What’s your name?”

??? - “I-uhm…I’m Riley.”

Sophie - “Well Riley, I think it would be pretty sick if you sat with me at lunch today.”

Riley - “O-okay! That sounds good!”

Sophie - “Hell yeah! First middle school friend!”

First middle school friend…

It was so easy for that to become my only middle school friend.

Even when you found yourself surrounded by people, the only person I knew was you.

And you were so nice.

You always wanted to be with me.

Laugh with me on my bed while watching stupid videos.

Play me in any fighting game and always win with grace.

Sleep next to me, and hug me when I wake from a bad dream.

You made my heart warm in ways I couldn’t understand. The seconds without you were agonizing, and the milliseconds with you felt like ages.

Sophie, Sophie, your name, it’s still in my heart.

You were so nice…

So why…

Sophie - “Riley? What is it?”

Why did I…

Riley - “I…wanted to know…if maybe…”

Why did I have to ruin it?

Riley - “you…could ever see a girl as more than a friend.”

The look on your face when it drained of all color. I see it in my nightmares.

In the months I’d known you, it was the first time I’d ever seen you so…afraid.

You were afraid of me.

Sophie - “Riley…”

The words. My brain blocks the noise, but I can still see them on your lips.

Sophie - “you’re not a faggot are you?”

I felt my stomach churn. I held in what I thought for sure was vomit.

What did I say to that?

Did I deny it? Ask if that was okay? Apologize for being so disgusting?

I was panicking. I could feel myself growing more cold and sweaty with every second your face didn’t change. I knew I fucked up.

I couldn’t stay. I fell out of my seat, and just…ran.

I ran, with no idea for how long, or where to even go. Just, away. Far far away, where my filthy self couldn’t scare you like that again.

I remember only coming to when I fell to my hands and knees. The feeling of the sidewalk and the rocks pushing into my skin grounded me when it felt like the entirety of me was pushing up into a place I couldn’t bring myself back down.

I panted and slobbered, my saliva pooling down my chin and to the ground. No, it wasn’t all slobber. Snot, and salty, hot tears. I could feel it all pouring from my face. Despite that, my terror of being noticed, even when I was already outside, kept my sobs choked up in my throat. I just slammed my head against the sidewalk.

It was almost instinct by now. I knew just how hard was too dangerous, which amount of force was perfect for punishing myself. My hands, curled into fists, beat against the sides of my head.

I remember all I could let slip from my mouth were whispers, too afraid of anything louder letting out everything I was holding back.

Riley - “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please don’t leave me.”

I apologized again and again, even if you couldn’t hear me. Maybe if I beat myself enough, told the universe how awful I was, in your heart you’d find it in you to forgive me.

I wonder if that officer hadn’t found me when he did, if I punished myself just a bit more, you would have. But he did, and you didn’t.

Or, I assume you didn’t.

It’s not like I could ever go back and find out.

But maybe the fact you never came for me was proof enough.

I’m sure, when I never returned to school, and moved away, you forgot all about me. That’s probably exactly it. I bet you have a boyfriend now and everything, and when you kiss him you don’t think about that loser from middle school for a single second.

But, sometimes…when I can’t sleep, I wonder if, at least for one night, you couldn’t sleep either. Even if I was some scary monster, you still wanted to see me too.

It doesn’t make me feel any better.

It just makes me cry.

Because no one will ever hold me after a nightmare again.