Episode 1-5: To Be Understood

I make it to the library, standing in the doorway. The librarian looks up from the check out desk and sighs.

Librarian - “Your table is free. Welcome back.”

I chuckle softly. If there's anyone in this school I’ve found myself on good terms with, it's them. They're pretty interesting, to say the least.

Out of strange coincidence, I had ended up getting to know them before I even came to this school. Their YouTube videos about exploring maps and weird small indie games have been comfy sleeping material.

I remember being really obnoxious when I first found out who they were. Thankfully I’ve managed to mellow out a bit since then.

I gratefully walk over to my usual table, sitting down and placing my head down in my arms. I silently thank the librarian for their pity.

So kind to someone as vile as me…

Riley - “Mgh…why am I being so hard on myself?”

In my mind, that voice seems to mull over itself. Thinking about what it wants to say.

Riley - “What?”

Well, it’s not like you actually had any thought like, oh, yeah totally, these people will definitely become my friends. So what if they hate you. Basically everyone hates you, or at least couldn't care less.

Riley- “Exactly. It…doesn’t feel good though.”

You just hate yourself. Give yourself a week and you’ll be right back at your comfy nothing.

Riley- “Right, yeah…she was cute, wasn’t she?”

Hmm? Yeah, definitely.

Riley- “Cool too.”

And weird.

Riley- “But cool.”

That’s true.

Riley - “...why can't I think about men like that?”

I think you know why.

Riley - “But why?”

Mmm, mysteries of the universe.

Riley- “Regardless, I’m pathetic.”

Well I wasn’t the one who said it.

Riley- “Just…stop talking.”

I feel my brain starting to relax as my cheek starts melting into the tabletop. Whatever, this year will be just like every other one, and that’s just fine. Just what I deserve. That’s-

Yuta- “Hey, you forgot your book.”

I turn my head, and there he is, holding the book I hadn’t even realized I’d forgotten. I curse myself.

Riley- “Thanks.”

Even after I take the book, he doesn’t leave. I think he can tell it’s starting to feel a bit awkward because his unreadable expression turns nervous.

Yuta- “Sorry, I know I wanna say something but It’s hard to put it together right.”

Riley- “It’s ok.”

Yuta- “Mmmm…Sarah says she feels bad.”

Riley- “She shouldn’t. It’s my fault things turned out how they did.”

Yuta- “Yeah, I told her that. She’s just…it’s easier to feel responsible, it makes it a problem you can fix rather than a circumstance that’s out of your hands.”

Riley- “That…I think I can get. Still unreasonable.”

Yuta- “I thought that too. Creepy.”

He seems to relax a bit, a little smile forming on his face.

Yuta- “Still, it seems to work out well enough for her. Better than me. I could never do half the things she does.”

Riley- “...”

Jeez, you really gotta make it super awkward like that? What am I supposed to say, yeah dude, you’re totally worthless. You think I have the confidence for that?

Yuta- “I said something I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

Riley- “Don’t worry about it.”

Yuta- “Nah, none of this is what I wanted to say. Uhm, how do I put it?”

He seems troubled. His eyes shut tight and all that’s missing is the sound of grunting to make it exactly like the scenes I’d see on tv.

Riley- “Don’t worry about it. If it was important you’d remember-”

Yuta- “Uhm, Riley?”

Riley- “-mhm? Yeah?”

Yuta- “I don’t think any of them are gonna bother you. Not like, you did something to make them think you’re weird or bad. More like, they probably feel like they scared you off, or, something, so, uhh…”

Yuta- “If that’s what you want, then, good, you’re off the hook.”

Riley- “O-okay?”

Yuta- “But I was just curious. Is that what you want?”

Riley- “That’s…I mean, I don’t really care, I don’t know any of you well at all. It’s none of my business what you all may or may not think of me.”

Yuta- “Yeah, uh, no I get that. I felt pretty similar when, uh…well before I really got to know Sarah.”

Riley- “What, you did something stupid and dramatic and freakish too?”

Yuta- “Yeah…”

Riley- “Oh.”

That checks out, but I bite my tongue to keep that from coming out.

Yuta- “I acted pretty stupid. So I thought that it would be easier to just kinda brush it off. I don’t need friends. No, I didn’t think that. I kinda sorta, just, didn’t think I deserved them? Is that what you’re thinking?”

Riley- “I-I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Stop it.

You don’t know me, you don’t get to read me…so well…

Yuta- “That’s fine! Perfectly fine. I don’t think you need to relate, or no I mean, I don’t have to. It’s just…it doesn’t happen to everyone, you know?”

Riley- “What doesn’t?”

Yuta- “Being noticed by good people. I wonder how many people just as stupid as me don’t get lucky enough to catch a good person’s eye. They usually have to try, and even then, they have to be just as lucky to succeed.”

Riley- “What, you have to make unbearable effort just for a good person to tolerate you if you’re stupid.”

Yuta- “You have to be lucky enough that they’ll understand you.”

Riley- “Oh…”

I don’t know why, but it feels like it clicks. That makes it feel even worse.

Riley- “...so what, I’m fucking up my only chance?”

Yuta- “I don’t know. Maybe you’ll get lucky again. Or maybe you’ll get lucky enough to get yourself across right. It’s not up to me what you decide to do, but, I think it would be a waste, is all.”

Riley- “...”

Yuta- “I guess, uhm, that’s what I wanted to say. I guess chew on it? If you wanna. I’m pretty stupid so, maybe I don’t know much.”

He steps away from the table.

Yuta- “I hope I’ll see you later! Sorry for taking so long to just say that. It really wasn’t all that complicated I guess. Must just be cause-”

Riley- “You’re…stupid?”

Yuta- “Yeah!”

Riley- “Don’t worry, so am I.”

He gives me a thumbs up that I can’t help but laugh at. After a moment, he does so too.

Yuta- “Oh. Lunch is probably over by now. Uhm, I think my next class is science.”

Riley- “With Mr. Marston?”

Yuta- “Oh, yeah I think so.”

Riley- “That’s my next class too.”

Yuta- “Oh, do you wanna-”

He cuts himself off.

Yuta- “Erm, nevermind-”

Riley- “L-let’s walk together!”

Yuta- “Oh! Yeah, that sounds awesome.”

I stand up, making sure to grab my book this time, before walking over to him. I can feel my whole body wincing and cringing, like this is too much to take.

In my mind, though, I think…I like this.

I think I want this.