Training in Balance

Whispers of past Jedi plagued my sleep. It wasn’t long before I was up again. I had cried myself to sleep. I could hear lightsabers hitting each other. I walk out of the tent to see my old master training with Melra. Her skills with a saber are exceptional. If she had been judged on that alone, she would’ve been a master herself. She backs away. Tonnis beckons me forward. 

“I can sense the emotions in you. Don’t keep them inside.” Unlike our Siri for training sessions he strikes first. I block. 

“If you can’t be honest with me at least be honest with yourself.” Block, swing, block.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He goes for my head I duck. I raise my saber but not fast enough, if he wasn’t so controlled in training he would have hit me.

“Even your own lightsaber is fighting you.” I swing. Again, again. He blocks everyone. I’m unfocused. If this had been a real fight I would have lost. Our lightsabers connect. He leans forward. I lean back.

“Do you want be a Sith?” Swing, connect, swing, connect.

“No.”

“A Jedi then.” We both know that’s not my path. If I didn’t know my master so well I’d say he was mocking me.

“No.” I swing for his legs. He jumps aiming for my torso. I block.

“A Gray Jedi?”

“I don’t know!” I almost shout the answer. The truest answer I can give. “That’s the whole problem!”

“What do you mean?” I’m finally starting to stand my ground. I take a step forward.

“My whole life I was expected to be a Jedi. To follow the code. To only use the Light Side. You know better than anyone what that feels like. My people may still love. My people may still accept me. But they can not hide there disappoint in me if I choose a different path. Even when you left I could sense them wonder if two with such different ideologies could even get along. So I became the perfect Jedi-“ In succession I have to block three blows.

“And?”

“I wasn’t happy. Or even satisfied but the worse part was the Dark Side held no freedom for me ether. When you and Katha left you knew what would take the place of the Light Side but I have no idea! I spent my whole life making being a Jedi my only goal. When I leave them, who will I be with out it? Who am I even supposed to be? They say that I’m powerful. But I’m not a Sith and I’m certainly not a Jedi. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do when I leave. If I do at all. I’m not happy we’re I am, but if I leave I’ll still be fighting the Empire. In body I’ll be the same, doing the same things. In body I’m at peace, but inside-“ I’m slowing down. We’re barley fighting at this point. Feelings and thoughts I didn’t even know I had been bottling up come tumbling out and I can’t stop it. “Inside I just feel… lost.” We’re not fighting anymore. My hand holding my lightsaber hangs limply at my side. I know my master can sense the change in me. He un-ignites his lightsaber.

“So what you thought you wanted, what you’ve trained to become you realize doesn’t makes me happy. Now you find what does. Even if it takes your whole lifetime. I believe that you will find it. You have path and place in all this. As strongly as I believe in the force.” Then something occurs to me. Bits of the revelation that been on the fringes of my mind, but now…

“The force. The force makes me happy. It is a part of me I love. The force will guid me when I leave. I trust it, and therefor although I don’t know what my future holds. I know my path lies with the force. I will find peace and freedom.” The force has no expectations, the force just is.