The cheating Jester [Side Story 1 Intro]

"YO! It's your girl Iori-chan here. And I'm at Cece-chan's new humble abode for some raunchy shit. Last time we went out and about, we got kidnapped by creepos, so this time we're hunkerin' in the bunker for some indoor gaming n' action."

"Those assholes didn't even give me time to crash here at my place. And this place is huge! I got rooms for all sorts of stuff so look forward to the future of this channel."

"And to make this even more exciting, you loyal subs get an exclusive close up feet-cam in addition to the face cam. So sub, sub, SUB!"

Mimoko sighed as she stood at the door to Carol's house holding a bag of groceries and a package. Since Carol didn't want to go outside after the Desperado incident, Mimoko had quickly found herself employed as a gofer bringing food and supplies to Carol when Iori couldn't.

"Oh thanks for the grub n' goods" a large tubby old man smiled as he answered the door.

The man was Carol's grandfather, Harold Cooke. Harold was the only relative that had stuck by Carol's side after she began speaking out against Pewler. As such, she had moved in with him after entering witness protection. After feeling that America was no longer safe for her to live, Harold suggested moving to Japan since that's where his mother was from. As such, the two moved out and managed to find a nice traditional-style house in Japan.

Mimoko made her way in to find both Carol and Iori covered in nothing but slime.

"Hey Mimo, like the slimekinis?" Carol grinned.

"Why did I agree to buy shit for you two?" Mimoko glared as she slammed the shopping bag and package down on the ground.

"Whoa, that package has some delicate shit in it!" Iori shouted as she rushed over and retrieved the package.

"What's in it?"

"A DNA kit."

"Huh?"

"We saw this at-home DNA kit advertised and decided to buy it and try it out. I don't know much about my family on my great-grandmother's side so I'm curious to find out more," Carol stated.

"Your grandfather doesn't know anything?"

"No, he never really met my great-grandma. I heard she died shortly after he was born. That's why we want to find out more about our family history."

Mimoko began to feel a bit bad about slamming the package down. Luckily, nothing inside seemed to be damaged, meaning the kit was usable.

Unlike normal DNA test kits that required you to send a DNA sample in the mail, this kit took your DNA and compared it to billions of DNA samples held in an online database. It could also identify blood relatives on the spot.

"Alright, now let's get this shit going. I'll be doing this shit too since I have no idea who I'm descended from," Iori grinned.

As soon as Carol and Iori provided DNA samples, a light on the kit lit up.

"Uh, what's this light mean?"

"It says it means... BLOOD RELATIVES!?"

"No fucking way! You saying we're distant cousins!? Nah, maybe this thing got busted a bit when Mimo-chan threw it down."

"I'll test it on grampy then."

After testing the kit out on Harold, it was confirmed to be working properly.

"No way, but how are we related then?" Iori trembled.

"No clue. I guess that's where the database comes in," Carol shrugged as she opened the app.

A chart then appeared showing that both Iori and Carol were from a family known as the Kirikawa clan, an infamous shinobi clan that had long since had a hand in shaping Japan's image from the shadows.

"Ninjas huh? Well that explains a lot," Iori thought to herself.

"It says on the screen that my great-grandmother was a triplet, and one of her older brothers is your grandpa," Carol stated.

"Wait, "grandpa" and not "great-grandpa"?"

"Is one of your parent's named Heiga?"

"Shit, that's my dad's name. But this Roichi guy they're claiming is his daddy was old as shit. I mean, I guess he was an old playboy, but then why's he only got one line of descendants?"

"Maybe we need to click on it to reveal more."

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Mimoko went to answer and found a large obese postman with a purple beard holding a package.

"Got a delivery for two new Kirikawas," the postman stated.

"Ok, I'll sign-"

"I gotta deliver it personally though!" the postman cackled as he shoved past Mimoko and ran in, without even bothering to take his pointy red shoes off.

Carol and Iori turned as the door to Carol's room swung open and the postman barged it.

"The fuck are you!? Wait! That face! You're that TotallynotJester guy that leaves hate comments on every video!" Iori gasped.

"Yeah, and it's fun! Now special delivery for the two new Kirikawa sluts, JESTER'S DOUGH BOMB SURPRISE!"

As Mimoko ran into the room, she found Carol and Iori bound and gagged with sticky dough as the postman hovered over them.

"Wait, did you two lose to him already!? There's no way he could have activated his DESPER yet!"

"Mmph ngh mmph!" Carol shouted, attempting to tell Mimoko something important, but unable to.

"Buwahahaha! I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm kidnapping and killing these two before the Kirikawa clan finds out they're related to them," the postman sneered.

"Just who do you think you are!?"

"Who am I!? Ninjas- Oh right, it's just me. Direct your attention to the song I'm about to play on my phone!"

The postman then pulled out his phone and threw off his postman outfit, now sporting a flashy green hakama in addition to his pointy red shoes. With his sunglasses and hat gone, it was now clear to see the eccentric face paint his face along with his purple hair that had been styled into a top-knot.

As music began playing from the phone, the man suddenly began singing and dancing.

"In rain, sun, sleet, snow fire, flood, or hail, I'm gonna steal all of your motherfucking mail! I don't give a fuck if you can't pay your bills, hell I want you to suffer, cause I'm the motherfucking Jester. YO YOI! I am the greatest criminal from the depths of Edo. The great daimyo of organized crime. Everyone fears my name! For every atrocity, I have attained! Murder! Kidnapping! Drug Smuggling! None can match my Might! Theft! Assault! War Crimes! All now fear my wrath! With my evil ninjitsu I will conquer all that’s good. They say Jesters are the fools, WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW DUMBASS! Lalalalalala! Jester-sama is the evil, dastardly, wicked, inhumane, dark ninjutsu daimyo! Oh oh oh oh! Yooooooo!”

Everyone cringed in disgust as Jester finished singing.

"Mmph ngh ngh [That was lame]," Iori glared.

"OI! Don't take advantaged of your gagged state to get away with hurling insults ay me!" Jester fumed.

"So are you some head honcho of the Desperado league?" Mimoko glared.

"Desperados? Those losers are weak! Besides, I got something even better than a DESPER, my own originally patented and totally not stolen from an online post I saw, spin on the DESPER, the JESPER! Buwahahaha!"

Mimoko stared in annoyance at the device Jester pulled out of his sleeve. It certainly looked like a DESPER, but clearly lacking in quality in terms of design. Regardless, Mimoko decided to challenge Jester to a match in order to save her friends.

"Huh? I can just scram n' go. Why would I stay for a chess match?"

"The WWCF does not take kindly to snuffing out chess prodigies."

"That fucker Remiere!? I hate that guy! Well, I guess I can snuff you out in game. You lose you die!" Jester cackled as he activated his JESPER.

"I win and my friends are freed while you leave emptyhanded."

A small rickety board then appeared in the center of the room. Mimoko began walking towards it, only for Jester to lunge towards the white end of the board.

"My JESPER, so I go first!"

"How childish, but so be it. I'll make this quick.

"Buwahahaha! I'm the grandest master out there! You'll never beat me!" Jester laughed as he moved his pawn to d4.

Mimoko responded by moving her knight to f6, while Jester decided to hurl his bishop to g5. Ignoring the empty threat, Mimoko moved her pawn to d5.

"BUWAHAHAHA! Bye bye horse! Off to the glue factor for you!" Jester laughed as he captured the knight at f6 with his bishop.

Mimoko rolled her eyes and simply captured said bishop with her e-pawn, completely shocking Jester.

"Oi! Pawns can't rise up against a bishop!" Jester fumed as he moved his pawn to e3.

"Do you even know how this game works?" Mimoko groaned as she moved her pawn to c5.

"Of course I do! CHECK! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he moved his bishop to b5.

Mimoko simply moved her knight to c6, but it was then that the true nefarious nature of both Jester and his JESPER began to show.

"Check! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he captured the knight at c6 with his bishop.

Mimoko rolled her eyes and attempted to capture the bishop at c6 with her b-pawn, however, Jester slid the bishop one square back to b5 before Mimoko could capture the piece. "That's blatant cheating."

"Who cares! I cheat all the time!"

"DESPERs don't allow cheating though."

"This is a JESPER! I can cheat 3 times in a game! And I get to move again! Check! Thanks for the free pawn, sucker!" Jester laughed as he captured the pawn at c6 with the bishop that was supposed to have been removed from play.

Mimoko glared and moved her bishop to d7, allowing Jester to gleefully capture the rook on a8 with his bishop.

"This game shouldn't count," Mimoko glared as she captured said bishop with her queen.

"Too bad! You lose you die no matter how much I cheat! Sucks to be you! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he moved his queen to g4.

Having enough of this nonsense, Mimoko immediately grabbed the queen on g4 and removed it from play, before placing her bishop down on the square it at been on.

"Heh? HEH! OH SHIT DO-OVER! DO-OVER!"

"There are no do-overs-"

Before Mimoko could finish, the board reset itself to the point where she moved her bishop to d7.

"Won't be sniping my queen now!" Jester cackled as he captured the bishop at d7 with his bishop instead of the rook at a8.

Mimoko once again captured said bishop with her queen, while Jester moved his queen out, this time to h5. Mimoko made the best move she could and captured the pawn on d4 with her c-pawn, but then...

"Buwahahaha! I win! Checkmate!" Jester laughed as he captured the pawn at f7 with his queen.

"No you just blundered a queen," Mimoko glared as she attempted to capture said queen with her king.

"Uhp too bad! King can't capture it cuz of the knight!" Jester sneered as he moved his knight fro g1 to g5.

"That's 3 times you've cheated. And I'll just capture the queen with my queen then," Mimoko snarled as she did just that.

"My glue horse runs over your queen then! Some grandmaster you are!" Jester sneered as he captured the queen at f7 with his knight.

Mimoko promptly captured said knight with her king, allowing Jester to capture the pawn at d4 with his e-pawn.

"When this is over, I'll be sure to report you for cheating. Check," Mimoko glared as she moved her bishop to b4.

"HEY! You can't check me!" Jester fumed as he moved his bishop to b2.

"I can and will again," Mimoko glared as she moved her h-rook to e8.

Jester began stomping his foot on the ground in annoyance and moved his king to f1, allowing Mimoko to protect her bishop by moving her a-rook to b8.

"Lol, no way are you getting my bishop for free," Jester sneered as he moved his bishop to e1.

Before he could react, Mimoko immediately grabbed the bishop at e1 and replaced it with her rook that has been on e8. "And that's checkmate, cheater!"

Jester blinked in confusion before screaming in horror. "NO FAIR! REWIND! GAME'S NOT OVER YET!"

Mimoko stared in bewilderment as the game reset back to the 6th move where Jester captured the knight at c6 with his bishop. "I thought you said you could only cheat thrice!"

"I lied! It's 4 times, bitch! Maybe even-"

SPROING!

Jester stared nervously as a spring suddenly popped out of his JESPER. "Uh, that's not supposed to happen. Uh-"

Mimoko decided to waste no time and promptly captured the bishop at c6 with her b-pawn as originally intended before the cheating began.

"HEY! No fair! I can't cheat anymore so stop taking advantage of me!" Jester fumed as he moved his pawn to b4.

"YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SAY THAT!? YOU'RE AN ISULT TO CHESS!" Mimoko fumed as she captured the pawn at b4 with her c-pawn.

"Didn't you hear my themesong!? I'm the greatest criminal from the dephs of Edo! Cheating's my lifeblood!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to d2.

"Then I'll put you in your place, fair and square," Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to a5.

"NOPE! I got you blocked off!" Jester laughed as he moved his pawn to a4.

"No, now allow me to teach you about en passant," Mimoko glared as she performed en passant and captured the pawn on a4 with her b-pawn.

"AAAAHHH! THAT'S CHEATING! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! REF! REF!"

"En passant is a 100% legal move! And you are also in check."

"BULLSHIT! I'VE NEVER HEARD OF "ON PASSING"!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to c1.

"EN PASSANT," Mimoko glared as she moved her rook to b8.

Now on the ropes and unable to cheat, Jester moved his knight to d2 while Mimoko moved her pawn to a2.

"BOOM! C4 blows shit up so I blow up all your pieces!" Jester desperately cackled as he slammed hi pawn down on c4.

"No, even in atomic chess, pieces only explode when you capture them. But you are in the right ballpark, that c4 move just triggered your self-destruct sequence. Check," Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to a3.

"HUH!? I'm not gonna blow up! There isn't any dynamite here!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to c2.

"Then perhaps when you lose, that rickety thing you call a DESPER will blow up in your face," Mimoko glared as she moved her rook to b2.

"Too bad! It's busted!" Jester laughed as he moved his king to c1.

"You're about to be busted too." Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to c3.

"NOPE! I sack the queen and win!" Jester nervously cackled as he slammed his queen down on c2.

"No, you just lost. Checkmate," Mimoko glared as she captured the queen at c2 with her queen, finally winning the game.

"NO FAIR! YOU CHEATED ME! REMATCH! MY JESPER DOESN'T NEED TO RECHARGE SO-

BOOM!

Just as Mimoko had requested, the JESPER blew up in Jester's face sending him flying off into the sky.

"FUCK YOU CHEATER!" Jester shouted as he flew away.

"That's my line, cheater," Mimoko glared as she found herself giving a middle finger salute to the hole in the ceiling Jester had made.

"Mmph. Ngh ngh mmph ngh?" Iori grumbled.

Mimoko turned and realized Iori and Carol were still tied up in icky sticky dough. "Ugh, I'll call for back-up. I don't want to get tangled up in that stuff.

The full game:

White Jester (Buwahahaha) Black: Mimoko Inoue (2750)

1. d4 Nf6

2. Bg5 d5

3. Bxf6 exf6

4. e3 c5

5. Bb5+ Nc6

6. Bxc6+ bxc6

((Bishop moved to b5) 6. Bxc6+ Bd7 7. Bxd7+ (7. Bxa8 Qxa8 8. Qg4 Bxg4) 7... Qxd7 8. Qh5 cxd4 9. Qxf7+ (Knight moved to c5) 9... Qxf7 10. Nxf7 Kxf7 11. exd4 Bb4+ 12. Bd2 Rhe8+ 13. Kf1 Rab8 14. Be1 Rxe1#)

7. b4 cxb4

8. Kd2 Qa5

9. a4 bxa3+

10. Kc1 Rb8

11. Nd2 a2

12. c4 Qa3+

13. Kc2 Rb2+

14. Kc1 Qc3+

15. Qc2 Qxc2#

The full game with no cheating:

White Jester (Buwahahaha) Black: Mimoko Inoue (2750)

1. d4 Nf6

2. Bg5 d5

3. Bxf6 exf6

4. e3 c5

5. Bb5+ Nc6

6. Bxc6+ bxc6

7. b4 cxb4

8. Kd2 Qa5

9. a4 bxa3+

10. Kc1 Rb8

11. Nd2 a2

12. c4 Qa3+

13. Kc2 Rb2+

14. Kc1 Qc3+

15. Qc2 Qxc2#