My Secrets, My Words, My Feelings and I (1/2)

~ Present Day ~

And that's how I got stuck in this predicament. Over the week, I’d seen Mura-san interrogating (and scaring) five different Suzuki-kun's with great enthusiasm. So much enthusiasm, in fact, that she's even decided to interrogate Suzuki Kira-san from her class.

I can tell what she's probably thinking - but I’ve asked every Suzuki-kun in the school! Did someone lie to me? Oh, or maybe...they weren't supposed to be at our school at all! Right, Kira-san from my class is a Suzuki, isn’t she? Maybe one of her relatives snuck to school and that's why they had to hide from me. Let me ask her about it~

After running away from her interrogation, I avoid Mura-san like the plague for the rest of the day. It's futile, I know - my actions only prove that I’m hiding something. But every time I recall that disaster of a confession, I become more sure that there's no way I can ever face her.

As I begin my usual routine of scrolling on Isosta, I get a text message.

'Kira-chan~ we're planning to go to the pool this Saturday, wanna come?'

It's from a girl in my friend group, Saki.

The pool...if we're going there, that means we're going swimming, right? If we're going swimming, that means we have to wear swimsuits...

"But I can't wear a girl's swimsuit!" My clone pops out and sits on my desk.

I sigh and nod, burying my head in my hands. Thankfully, my school hardly has swimming lessons, and I’ve feigned having a period every lesson for this very reason - just holding the swimsuit would make me sick. As a result, my school-assigned swimsuit has been sitting in the back of my closet for the past year, collecting dust.

It would have been nice to hang out with my friends, but if they ever found out...

"...they'll totally judge me and stop being friends with me. Then I’ll be friendless for the rest of my high school life, Mura-san will never look at me again and I’ll be alone, forgotten, a fly on the wall..."

I watched my clone throw his tantrum and succumb to the weight of despair. Ever since his appearance, I’ve realized that my subconscious is no different from a whiny infant - the very opposite of the image I want to be seen as. Why is reality often so disappointing? I think to myself as I come up with a reply. Better not mention my distaste for swimsuits at all...the girls might try to encourage me with some sort of body positivity talk. Let's just say something vague.

'Sorry Saki, I’m busy that day...'

'Even if Himari-chan will be there too? 😇'

Mura-san...! Tsk. Saki has always been too good at seeing through others for her own good. She's the only one who probably has a hunch about my feelings. She probably doesn't know they're romantic, though.

But still, she's put me in a tricky position. I open my closet and reach deep, deep down for that old, dusty swimsuit and put it against my body. I glance in the full-body mirror in my room, an uncomfortable sense of dread washing over me. I immediately toss it aside, a wave of nausea turning my stomach upside down. I can't do this. I can't do this after all.

Remembering how I forced through this feeling in my first ever high school swimming class, only to get so sick that I had to crawl out of the pool and rush to the toilet to vomit in the middle of class, I ball up my swimsuit and shove it even deeper into my closet than it was before.

But if Mura-san will be there...

'Is it okay if I don't wear a swimsuit? I wanna come but don't really wanna swim 😫'

'Aw, really? I kinda wanted to see you in one, you always get a period in swimming class lol. But if you really can't then we understand 👍'

I sigh in relief. Maybe someday...someday, I'll find a way to tell them why.

⋆⛧*┈┈┈┈﹤୨♡୧﹥ ┈┈┈┈*⛧⋆

"OMG, Kyo-chan, I love your new swimsuit! Where'd you get it?"

"Really? Just the department store...I think the cut is too low, though. But yours is perfect, Yuka-chan! The top is super cute!"

"Totally. Hey, did everyone hear about Katsumi-chan? Apparently she's quitting the volleyball team..."

I watch as the group of 6 or 7 girls chatter away while sitting at the edge of the pool. A while later, they start splashing water onto each other. I find myself chuckling along as they play - their laughter is infectious. When their giggles begin to die down, Mura-san suddenly looks over in my direction and meets my eyes. She grins and waves. Trying not to be awkward, I wave back.

She gets out of the pool, dries herself off and heads towards me.

"Are you really not gonna join in, Kira-san?"

"Mura-san...no, I’m okay. I didn't bring my swimsuit anyway." 

She dries herself off and take a seat next to me. "Are you sure? It seems lonely here, sitting all by yourself..."

"It's fine," I assure her, avoiding her gaze. "I don't mind being alone."

"If you say so." Mura-san shifts next to me, the movement transmitting to me through the netted surface of the pool lounge chair. "I'm sorry we couldn't switch the location. I didn't double-confirm with Saki-chan before registering tickets for the pool, so it's kinda my fault..."

"Like I said, it's okay," I repeat, this time more insistently. "so stop blaming yourself. I'm having fun just watching you guys.

"Besides, I don't like swimming anyway."

Realizing that I was raising my voice, I lower my head apologetically. After a few quiet seconds, I peek at Mura-san's direction. She's looking into the distance, her gaze thoughtful.

"Hmm...I get it," she finally says, a bit of a matter-of-factly. "I'm scared of roller coasters, but I don't want to be a burden to the girls, so I just told them that I don't like theme parks."

Her uncharacteristically sharp tone unsettles me. I mull over each of her words, slowly coming to the realization of what she meant. As I turn to her, she's looking back at me with an intense gaze. I take a deep breath and a long exhale. "I see what you're trying to say."

Mura-san leans in closer, her eyes narrowing. "Kira-san. I know I'm being persistent, but I'm worried about you."

I'm not sure if it's the way her eyes are boring into me or her proximity. As I breathe, I take in strong scent of chlorine from her. I'm like a criminal caught red-handed.

If you try to hold out any longer, I'm going to pop out, I hear a familiar masculine voice in the back of my mind.

"Fine," I snap before I can control my tone, breaking our eye contact. "The truth is that...I don't like swimsuits."

"Swimsuits?" Mura-san sounds surprised but doesn't carry the revulsion I'd expected.

"Yeah. It's complicated." I don't bother to explain, instead leaning away from her, looking out to the pool. I see a group of guys in swimming shorts pass a beach ball around, snickering and snorting as someone fails to catch it.

Mura-san leans in closer. "If you don't mind, could you elaborate?"

Her tone is much more careful than before - I can tell she knows she's approaching a sensitive topic. My eyes dart across each of the guys, noting their physiques in a way I once thought was a by-product of feminine hormonal responses. But now, I know its true nature.

Envy.