Nothingness

My vision was focus on a point, a ceiling, or a floor, maybe it was the wall, but it had that chess pattern on it, I could see how it went from purple to red, from red to blue, and that with different colors, I was watching that place because I couldn’t move, or rather, I didn’t want to move, I knew I had my mouth open, like if I was a fish, moving my lips just a little, opening my mouth and closing just by a few millimeters.

Nothing moved, nothing made a sound, it was just me and my body, my eyes, looking at something that had a chess pattern, no matter what color it was this time, for me it was irrelevant, and there was nothing to have a distraction but they could be anything behind me.

Fear. Did I feel fear? Fear of something could be behind me, I didn’t see any shadows, I didn’t produce one, maybe because It was behind me this time, I didn’t really know, I was so occupied looking at the chess pattern that didn’t even want to change at what I was looking at, but on my field of vision I didn’t see any shadow.

Maybe there was a shadow in front me, maybe not, it could be behind just what I thought, but I didn’t want to look back, neither move, I fear everything right now, but I didn't show it, it was like if I was a corpse, with a few exceptions, I definitely was breathing from my mouth, and I tend to blink from now and then, I just didn’t do anything else, like if I was glued to the floor.

Or like if I was trying to sleep, don’t move any part of your body, and don’t think in anything, or maybe overthink, I don’t really remember how it was to fall asleep, but I was doing both, thinking this, and not thinking at all, it was strange, maybe this is what it feels to be on a limbo, or this is what the Schrödinger cat felt, I was alive and death at the same time.

Look behind me? I don’t want to, there maybe was that giant rat queen monster, or the doppelgänger, maybe there was something else, a thing that could make me more scared, something that I couldn’t even imagine was going to be behind me, or maybe there was nothing at all, but I felt a presence, there was something definitely at my back or perhaps it could be just my imagination.

Either way I didn’t want to find out, so I kept looking at the chess pattern. Chess… I didn’t use to play it that much, I had fun playing it and sometimes I hated it, moving the pieces, moving myself, that was out of the question. What if I broke a limb? What if I didn’t have that part anymore? What if I had it and at the moment I tried to move it, it would fall down like if it was cut.

No thanks, I didn’t want any of that, it was like getting hit by a car, you don’t want to move when you’re dizzy, you fear that something would be broken or that it would be in a strange position. I didn’t feel the fall, and that’s what scares me the most, maybe all my body was torn into pieces, maybe it was just my head and for some reason I still had consequences.

Fear, the strongest emotion known to man and the oldest too, that’s what I read from someone, at this moment that was the emotion with more prevalence on me right now, one could think someone in fear would be screaming, running, trying to move something, but I didn’t want to, I was on a trance, I was the floor, I was the chess pattern, I am nothing, and I don’t exist.

I wish I could say that but I need to move, I need to exit, but I’m so scared right now, I don’t want this to be my end, and at the same time I don’t really care what will happen to me anymore as long as it ends quickly, that monster, please devour me in a bite, that doppelgänger, please do what you have to do but do it fast.

And any other monster, just do it, quickly, fast, in a blink of an eye, please, someone please move me, made me see myself, because I don’t have the courage or the strength to do it on my own, I want to move, I want to do other things, but I’m scared

I’m pathetic, asking for this, even though I deserved it, not that I really think that, I don’t think I really deserved it, but why is it happening to me? I’m a fool, I ask for this, but I didn’t want to be this deep in the thrill, if I could get out of here this would be a good story to tell but I don’t want anyone to tell me that I’m crazy

Because I’m crazy right now, someone else would already move, but me? I’m just playing dead. If I could blink I could move, but I don’t want to. If I could breathe I could close my mouth, but I don’t want to, it wasn’t even a good way of breathing, but I didn’t want to really feel it.

I want to get out, so I would move, I don’t want to die, so I would survive, I want to stay in this position, so I will root in here, I want to sleep, so I will rest here, I would scream to know if I’m alive, but I don’t want to feel alive, what’s best? Knowing that I will stay here forever and take this position or knowing that I will stay forever but search for a way to get out.

None of those options sounds good, I couldn’t stop breathing, because I would feel something, so I would close my eyes, that way, I may fell asleep and everything will end, taking me to a dream.