Chapter 10:

A blank canvas, and a despairing Toshiro Okumori.

Accepted


Toshiro Okumori

 "Okuuumoooriii-kuuuun!"

I held the cigarette in my hand firmly and looked over. Miyake was there, running and pointing at me hostilely. I had become already disinterested in her presence, but I was also a little confused as to why she had been approaching me in such a piqued manner.

"Put that away!" She declared. "The cigarette!"

I moved my eyes towards the cigarette I was holding, then back at her. I slowly pulled it up to my mouth.

"No! Stop!"

I then moved it away.

"Good!"

I raised it up to my lips again.

"Don't do it!"

I'd finally wrap my lips around the cigarette and would suck in the smoke. Miyake was undeniably upset by this, and as a consequence of my action, she lunged towards me like a lion and strongly planted her soft palms on my cheeks. She then began to compress my cheeks until the cigarette left my mouth and hit the floor.

"Smoking's not good for you! You mustn't do it, Okumori-kun!"

The lack of knowledge you have about personal distance astounds me.

I swiftly shoved the pack of cigarettes inside my pocket before she could spot it and turn into a savage about it. I now absently stared at her, annoyed.

Miyake shook my head around. "Your lungs will get destroyed! You'll die!"

I looked away from her and waved my hand acrimoniously, signaling her to go away.

Who cares?

Of course, she didn't acknowledge my rejection at all. Instead, she let out a low-pitched, "Hm…”

"Hey, you don’t do this often, do you?”

I looked at her contemptuously.

What if I do? What if I don’t? Are you going to chastise me for that too?

Miyake released me from her persistent grasp and sighed. She sat down beside me and reclined her head back onto my lap, which I was strongly uncomfortable about and very against it. I wanted to push her off, or stand up so fast that she’d hit her head, but those would result in probably a wailing sob or an even more outraged girl in my hands. I did not want to deal with any of that.

"I came here to talk to you about what we should do at the mall! But you decided to run off and ignore me! Rude!" She exclaimed.

I rested my elbow on the armrest of the bench and placed my palm under my chin irritatedly as I listened to her small little rant.

"I'm going to go to the groceries." She mocked in a deep voice, then switched back to a high-pitched tone. "But here you are, smoking!"

What are you, my mom? I looked over at her bitterly in response.

"You lied to me!" She disapproved sulkily. “But I forgive you! Just don't do it again!"

I quietly groaned after hearing such a childlike attitude.

"Anyways!" She loudly announced before connecting her fingers with her chin curiously. "Does smoking relieve stress? I heard that it does. That doesn't mean it's good, though! You definitely shouldn't smoke!"

She brought her eyelids closer to each other and frowned at me in a scrutinizing way.

"Was that what you were doing? Relieving stress? There are many other ways to do it!"

“Ohh, you caught me! How scary!”  Was what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t willing to be that discourteous to Miyake. As an alternative, I simply turned my head away from her.

"... It's hard to talk to you if you're going to be quiet, ya’ know. Come on, just a little nod or shake of the head will answer my question!”

There was a hint of solemnity in that sentence.

I didn’t want to give her a retort or any counter to her remark and just stayed still.

"Okumori-kun, if anything's bothering you, you can tell me! It's another way to relieve stress, believe it or not! You can't just keep it all in, it'll backfire… Like,”

She then made an explosion sound with her mouth. “Like that!”

You’re seriously getting on my nerves with this immaturity.

However, that's exactly what I planned to do. My struggles were my struggles only. I don't want people pitying me for them, I don't want support, and I don't want to be an attention-seeker. I find it unpleasant to vent my dilemmas upon somebody, and I wouldn’t want anybody doing it to me, either.

"If you bottle your emotions up for too long, it'll end up overflowing. The more you hide things, the more you get all cranky." She gaily advised.

"That's why-" She brought her hand up and dug her finger into my cheek. "I want you to tell me.”

I got aggravated and pushed her arm away from my face, then looked down at her.

"That's not going to happen." I irately uttered.

"Urrghh…” She gloomily muttered. “Fine! What if I tell you my problems instead?"

"I'll just ignore you."

She punched my thigh. "Words can hurt, Okumori-kun!"

And your whacking doesn’t?!

I didn’t want to start a squabble with her, so I nodded tiredly and agreed.

A miffed "Hmph!" came out of Miyake, ensued by another sigh.

"You don't have to say anything, anyways. If I just tell you my problems, it'll comfort me either way.”

Huh?

Wait, how does that even work? If I had told someone my issues, and they simply didn't say anything or support me at all, would that even be worth it? That'd be utterly useless, right? I'd feel ashamed if the person I had expressed my emotions to didn't say a single word. That’s like talking to a wall.

Yet here was Miyake, about to rant about whatever problems she had without a second thought.

She took a moment of silence before she spoke.

"Well, I'm scared of being hated."

I looked at her with curiosity now. She saw my gaze and gave a broad smile in recognition.

"Sorry, you weren't expecting that, were you?"

I shook my head.

She put her hand over to her mouth and giggled. Her grinning lips then gradually faded away and turned back into a dreary form.

"My mom always told me to "Be someone." That’s why I've always wanted to become someone important in someone's life. Being recognized as somebody who is deferential, good to talk to, fun to laugh with, is something great to think about, you know? It’s lovely to know that you’re appreciated.”

She absorbed the air around her by breathing it in and letting it out.

"But nothing is that easy, of course. Because of my nature and how I attempt to fix issues, I just end up hurting others without even realizing it. Because of how I am, they begin to hate me. I don't want that at all. I just want to be liked.”

I had no proper words that I could say that would fix her predicament of partiality, and if I did say them, I’d just come off as insincere and plainly insulting. So, I had to stay quiet. I had to leave my mouth shut because I didn’t want to make her any more unhappy than she already was.

“Have you ever hurt someone, Okumori-kun?”

I provided a slow nod. This time, I could actually think of a sentence that wouldn’t make me sound so impolite.

“It’s inevitable… In some way or another, you’ll always hurt someone.”

"That's cold, Okumori-kun. Real cold."

I grumbled in response to her joke.

"Well, I guess I can understand what you're saying." She agreed.

She relaxed her arms at the back of her head and jubilantly stared at the clouds above us.

"This is the first time I've ever had a real conversation with you. It kinda feels surreal." She stated.

Deep down, I was oddly left flattered at her words. It was brief, though, since she asked another unexpected question right after.

"But, Okumori-kun. Is there a reason why you're so cold to me?”

And then, just like before, I was stuck with my condemned and deplorable mind as I sat in silence.

"What about God? You think he’s cold like you?” She asked with a sarcastic, yet grave tone.

If God is real, then he's real cold. Colder than me.

She nodded unsurely to my inaudible attitude. “Do you hate God?”

"... I'm apathetic about it."

She acknowledged my reply with reticence.

"Then, what do you think about his miracles? You think he can do them to us, too?”

I denied the question and swung my head unfavorably.

"... I think he can do miracles. But I also believe that he can take many things away from you. Though, somehow, he always makes up for it. That's what I believe."

"You're too naive," I muttered.

"Maybe I am." She said with a titter.

She pointed her solemn eyes back to me again.

“Could you… Get off my lap real quick?” I suggested before she could shoot me with another philosophic question.

“Huh? Oh, sure. Why?” She brought her head up with a grunt. "What's wrong?"

"I'm heading back home. That’s why.”

"Huuuh? Already? I'll come too, then!" She said elatedly.

When I stood up, she followed with a vast grin on her face.

"Why are you so happy…?" I said, a little distraught by her blissful smile.

"I managed to have a genuine conversation with you! Of course, I'm happy!" She retorted. “It’ll definitely go into one of my achievements in life, hehe!”

Is it really something that great to accomplish?

I sighed and started to walk. Miyake pranced behind me with a happy humming tune, which annoyed me. Thankfully, I only had to deal with it for a few minutes, because we’d eventually come back to our houses.

We would say our goodbyes, which was her giving me a “Bye-bye, Okumori-kuuuun!” along with a wave, and me just looking at her quietly while wondering as to why she was yelling at me when there wasn’t that big of a gap between us.

As soon as she was out of my sight, I took out the pack of cigarettes I had hidden earlier and shoved it behind a pot of leaves beside my door. I then came inside the house.

"Toshiro?"

In front of me was my dozy mom, who stood with her pink pajamas that had small cute pigs drawn on them with messy bed hair.

She yawned. "Good morning. Did you go outside to throw the trash?”

I nodded.

"Nothing bad happened, right?" She said, stretching her arms as she spoke.

I shook my head.

"Good!" She smiled. “Oh, by the way, did you open the window? I thought I closed it last night.”

I nodded again.

It’s not like a girl jumped inside our house and attacked me with her hug! Haha! Definitely not!

"Huh... Oh well! I'll make breakfast right now." She shrugged.

And so, a full day of absolute boredom resumes.

With nothing to do, I fulfilled time by playing games, washing dishes, and doing the laundry. And with that, night arrived quickly. Eventually, I would be on my bed, with closed eyes and a tight embrace on my pillow.

It’s just, there was one problem. I couldn’t sleep. I had been so occupied with Miyake’s reasoning of her difficulties, that my eyes hadn’t felt tired at all.

It was two words, to be more distinct. It was two words that kept ringing in my head.

"Be someone."

What does that even mean?

Be what, exactly? Popular? Great? Smart? It was a statement that was just too vague in my head. There were many ways to interpret it, and it rattled me. How do you even be someone?

Miyake had supposedly found her answer to that unclear message. She interpreted it as wanting to be someone of use to others.

Though, apparently, that plan of hers failed miserably. And judging by her choice of words, I assumed frequently.

Being hated is easy. In fact, it’s a little too easy. One glance at one’s presence is enough to bring general discomfort to the mind. Becoming likable was the opposite. It’s hard. You have a need to bring a loveable peace of mind constantly and consistently, or else risk the destruction of that connection.

But because of how much a human craves a social life, they always resort to the same messy cycle over and over again to no end.

No relationship lasts forever. It will always end in despair. Has Miyake ever thought of that?

You couple with one another, just to destroy it in the end. What’s the point? If it won’t last, then you’re better off living without it.

I hate socializing, I hate being depended on, I hate hurting others, and I loathe the general concept of being in a relationship with another person. It’s nothing more than a satirical joke that promises you “happiness.”

So why bother with it?

People say that humans always need interactions, even if it's one singular person. If that’s true, then why do I have such a strong desire to be alone? Why do I loathe the presence of others so very badly?

I'm better off being a loner and not risk valuable things for superficial relationships as opposed to risking my own happiness just for the sake of self-centered others who can’t bother to do the same.

Nobody is like me, nobody thinks like me. Nobody has flaws like mine, and nobody has ideologies like mine. None of it is the same as somebody else.

I am me, and they are them.

And I have drawbacks and mistakes that would make everyone hate me.

And if one dares to say something along the lines of, “I like everything about you, even your flaws!" to me, I would take it as a mere joke. It's just a cringe-worthy sentence that has no truth behind it at all. People will always despise something about you.

And as such, it should be wholly recognized that there is no such thing as the "perfect person.” Just the definition of the word “perfect” is something that was created to force a feeling of comfort.

“Perfection” is just a nauseating concept that people have become so deeply encased by. In the idea of being this pristine, immaculate, flawless human being, they eventually become too scared to reveal what hides behind that bravado they so desperately cower behind.

Humans are imperfect, and always will be.

Nothing will ever change that.