Take That First Step Forward

Mom and I clambered onto the train and found a couple of free seats. Neither of us spoke as the train began to move. Everything we had wanted to say to each other had already been said the night before. 

Even so, it was uncomfortable being so close to her. And I got the feeling that it was the same for her as well. The train rocked as it sped along the tracks and my mother's tense shoulders bumped roughly against mine. I glanced her way, and noticed that her hands had gripped tightly around her knees.

I wondered if she was second-guessing her decision. She'd agreed to come back with me, to meet Dad and Hikari, but how would they react to her showing up out of the blue? It had turned out well enough with me, but there was no telling how this was going to go. Maybe it was too soon for her to rip off that particular band-aid. But even I knew that the longer something like that was put off, the harder it would become.

I was shaken from my thoughts when the train announcement called out our stop. I nudged Mom to tell her we were getting off and she followed me as we stepped out onto the platform.

It was only a short trek away from the station, but the walk home felt far longer than it usually did. After what felt like an agonising eternity, the familiar sight of the apartment building finally came into view.

“So this is where you're all living now, huh?” 

I turned to her and saw that she was rooted to the spot, not taking her eyes off the building.

“You okay?”

She shook her head.

“Now that we're here, I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go through with this.”

I stood still for a moment, then fumbled around with my bag, unfastening a pin that was attached to the shoulder strap.

“Here, take this.”

She gave me a puzzled look, but took the pin from me. She turned it over in her palm, inspecting it closely.

“It's something a friend gave me. Do you remember Shinohara Ryuji?”

“The boy you used to play with when you were younger?”

“Mhm,” I nodded, “we're actually in the same class again now. He tried reconnecting with me, but at the time, I didn't want to open up to people. It wasn’t easy for him, but he kept at it.”

I pointed again to the pin in her hand.

“I gave that to him back when we moved away. And he kept it safe over all those years, just so he could give it back to me. And now we are closer than ever, all because he made that first step.”

Mom remained silent, but her grip on the pin tightened.

“And it's not just him, I’ve seen the same kind of thing happen with all my friends over this last year.”

I thought back to Iwasaki, and how she had conquered her stage fright so that she could perform alongside her friends. And to how Shinohara and Inaba had managed to work out their feelings for each other. Or how… I told Ayane that I wanted to be with her. Each of us had been able to show courage in our own ways.

"So, I guess what I'm trying to say is…it's hard, taking that first step. And that kind of thing never really gets any easier. But it's only hard because it's something important. And if it really matters that much to you, don't make it something that you’ll regret never doing.”

Mom quietly walked over and gently placed the pin back in my hand, and then patted my shoulder.

“You've become such a mature young man. I'm so very proud of you,” she gave me a warm smile, “and you're right. I don't want to regret this.”

We climbed the stairs until we reached our front door.

“Ready?”

Mom nodded, a new look of determination on her face.

With a deep breath, I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I took a step inside, and she followed closely behind.

“I'm home,” I called out into the void.

As usual, Hikari popped her head round the corner.

“Welcome home, Nii-san! Did you enjoy your…eh?”

Hikari caught sight of the woman standing behind me and froze.

“I-it's you?”

Tachibana Ami nodded and cupped her mouth to hold in her cries. She looked upon her daughter, who had grown up so much. She fell to her knees as the tears started to overflow.

“Mama!” Hikari cried out as she ran over, throwing her arms around her.

As we all stepped into the lounge, Dad looked up from where he was sitting.

“Look who’s here!” Hikari exclaimed, her eyes glowing with excitement.

Dad stood up slowly, the expression on his face unreadable, but the heaviness In the air was unmistakable. His eyes hadn't left Mom's gaze since she had entered.

“It's been a long time,” she said, “it's good to see you.”

We were all sat across from one another. Both me and Hikari looked back and forth between our two parents, who were in the middle of a heated conversation. Dad wasn't yelling, but it was clear he was angry, and every word he spoke was sharp and harsh. It was a side to him that neither me nor Hikari had ever seen before. But Mom just sat there and accepted all of it. She knew that she was the one who was at fault here.

Eventually Dad simmered down. I think Mom's sincerity as she answered each of his complaints had got through to him, and now he was ready to listen to what she had to say. And just like she had with me, she recounted her story to the family she had left behind.

A moment of silence passed before Dad spoke up, his voice hoarse.

“Why didn't you tell any of this to me, I could have helped…”

“I was in a bad place. If I dragged the rest of you into my suffering, it would have just been unfair. I felt like I had to face it alone.”

Hikari swapped seats so that she was sitting beside her mother, and reached over. Mom took hold of her daughter's hand and gave it a thankful squeeze.

Dad cleared his throat, a sign that he had more he wanted to say.

"When we were together, there were times when I worried that something was off, and I should have pressed you more on it. I'm sorry I didn't.”

“You don't have to apologise,” Mom shook her head, “this was my choice to make. If I could go back and change what I did, I would. But I can't. What I can do instead is try to make up for it now.”

Tachibana Ami had already made up her mind the moment that she had bumped into her son. She wanted nothing more than to be part of her family's lives again. But all of us knew that it wasn't going to be an easy fix, that it would take time for those old wounds to fully heal.

But we wanted to try.

The time ticked by and our conversations slowly started to shift focus. Instead of lingering on the painful memories, we began talking about lighter things. Stories from the past that made us laugh, our plans for the future, and all of the small moments in our day to day. 

Little by little, the tension in the room had passed, and the four of us in that room were just a family, sharing an evening in each other's company. Hikari happily chatted away about her school work, and how excited she was to be moving up to high school come next semester. Mom listened intently to it all.

Before any of us had noticed, it was already late into the night. Mom wished she could stay longer, but she needed to head on her way.

“I'd love to do this again, though.”

“So, how about we start by deciding on something small?” Dad suggested, “dinner together, maybe?”

Hikari perked up, nodding eagerly. “Yes! I’ll cook. Well... at least, I’ll help.”

Mom’s face brightened, and she nodded. “I’d like that.”

We saw her to the door, and she wrapped her arms around Hikari, who hugged her back tightly. Then she turned to Dad and me, and gave us a heartfelt wave before stepping out into the night.