I'm a shut in. I'm a (CENSORED) addict. Everyday I strap myself into a VR headset and have (CENSORED) (CENSORED) until I'm totally (CENSORED). I piss crypto. I am carnally involved with spreadsheets.

Except none of that is true. You see, I'm not just a great writer. I dream in torn pages, of fragmented stories that will never see the light of day. My blood is ink—my skin, paper (metaphorically speaking). My mind: a desolate wasteland, each potential novel a blinking, distant beacon. My balls are irresistible. Some would call my affliction a curse, but it is precisely this reason that I have been elected as Student Librarian, a highly prestigious role at Wick o'Wellers High—WoW for short—an abnormal school for mostly normal students, where I'll have a normal life and a normal girlfriend (who will have a normal relationship with my balls).

But nothing at this school is what it seems; they keep these books locked away for a reason.