Oct 01, 2021
Last chapter, o boi. I just realized, when I first read the chapter's title, I thought "huh, that's not very last chapter title-y", but now I realize it's actually a great name. Very foreboding. I'm impressed! In a happy way.
Now, I think in here I should overall write my thoughts about the whole thing.
I did like it, till the very end. The imagery was strong, the battle scenes were wonderfully written and I had a lot of fun. I think the strongest point was your writing of the main character herself, Karin had a lot of depth and seemed like a completely fleshed out character, that I wish I could pay a visit to the psychologist to.
The problem was... well, I think you have a lot of people talking to you about pacing and about flashback placement (which kinda confused me on prior chapters, yup), but I wanted to take another stance on this.
I feel like you didn't have a firm enough stand on what you wanted to write about. The story starts incredibly grounded, with a daily life that most of us can relate to. Made us feel like the settings were familiar and the characters relatable. The problems introduced were also really harsh, (I'm still very confounded about their legal system, I've never seen anything like it), but still grounded in reality. Of course, they're magical girls, they don't have to BE real, they are actually not, but the story felt closer to reality, and to real problems like the harsh truth of the legal system, being abandoned by your family and friends, being poor and having a tough schedule, anger issues and depression. It all felt very real.
And then you completely changed the tone of the story when moving onto the "magical" part of it. Of course, not expecting it to sound completely real, but you were talking levels of "doomsday devices" and "attacks that take the earth out of its orbit". All those things made it look like a children's show where villains are two dimensional, poorly written creatures that wanna take over the world just because, and the power levels as absurd as those in dragon ball. It was a tad too much. The carefully grounded story you were constructing, felt like a completely different thing. Suddenly, Karin's disconnection with herself fell behind and the story was not about that anymore, it was about big monsters and evilness and cool superpower that defy reality. (Don't get me wrong, the fighting scenes were still wonderful even if the powers were crazy). Those cool things are cool on their own, but it completely destroyed the ambience you were building from chapter one onward.
Aside from that, I felt bad about how the characters felt to me. Other than Karin, they felt pretty two dimensional as well, but I mostly blame that on the lenght of the story, which is far too short. Rose was the best written character after Karin, he had his strenghts and weaknesses, his personality, all that well defined. I'd say Baise was fine, but felt like, sorry to say it, a dump where to pour everything else. Rose is the pink flirt, Karin is the angry red and Roxy (oh poor roxy you lacked so much character development) is the happy yellow. But Baise was all the rest combined. No color defined, so mysterious, no emotions, so very cool, a doctor, so the healer, and therapist too, so also able to understand everyone in spite of not emoting very much themselves. Not forgetting they also know how to make incredible technology and perhaps they're also able to cure cancer. They're a jack of all trades, like someone you gave too many qualities, and little drawbacks. I think the whole cast would've benefitted from a few chapters dedicated to themselves and their relationship with their friends, because ultimately their friendship also felt empty. We want to see those things, the relationship between Roxy and Rose, how Baise can be vulnerable too, Karin's bond, we want to see those things. If you write a sequel, (or a prequel, I wouldn't mind reading that at all), then perhaps you can focus on that a little bit more.
I didn't mean to rant this much oops. TLDR!!! I liked it, the internal conflict was wonderful but the moods and tones for the beginning and the end of the story are so different it feels like a completely different story, characters could use a little more work. Also fight scenes very very cool. I definitely enjoyed this.
