Jan 10, 2023
I had already read the prologue but decided to read through the first chapter before commenting. I'm actually going to give it a reread. I'm glad I went to chapter one before discussing the prologue because it pieces together the point of a prologue in a more satisfying way. Initially I was against the prologue because it very much does the number 1 sin of writing, at least what most writers would tell you is a sin. That is, it tells us everything instead of showing us and letting us figure it out in a steady and well-paced manner. However, considering the focal point of the story is actually not the mage Melwyn, but instead Suzuka's story it can be slightly forgiven. However, as interesting as the set-up, the magic conceptual system, and world-building is, I think the prologue can be shortened. Now, note that this can sometimes be reader preference. So take what you like, and discard what you don't that's what we all have to do as writers. But I believe there should be more discovery for the readers, the prologue could tell the story of Melwyn and the box in a more succinct manner. Give us less information, but then let more be discovered about the world in pieces of conversations, character actions, and personal observations. I understand that the teacher is giving a lecture, but imagine you cut out the parts that Suzuka answers from the prologue, meaning us as readers don't know these things but then the teacher asks her, and she answers, we then learn through her and it accomplishes two things. One. It establishes how smart she is, that she knew stuff not covered literally two seconds ago in the pervious chapter and two. It becomes less info-dumpy and more organic in terms of story telling. Trust that readers will eventually begin to understand what is happening. We don't need to know everything from the first chapter. It removes some of the mystery.
Again, that's just me. None of this means that the story is bad, by the way. Conceptually I think its a solid start and you have a lot more for me to read. It's just that stories can live or die by their first page and if someone reads your prologue its risky because in order for them to go "oh, I get it, it was a story told by the teacher" they have to make it to the next chapter. But lots of people with less patience, those that read a lot will read it and go, "I don't like this style its an info dump" and never move on to the next chapter to discover that. I did, because I felt like maybe there was a reason. Anyway, I'll have more comments on stuff I liked specifically later on.
