Jun 25, 2022
Surprise Red Sandrea Cameo!
But in all (not trying to make wild predictions) seriousness, the changes you’ve made really strengthen the novel. While I wasn’t reading with a critical eye the first time around and don’t remember a ton, I remember being a bit put off by the writing quality and dialogue. That and the fact that the plot barely seemed to advance despite the story feeling like a checklist logging every in-universe event with scattershot detail. This time, the tone of the novel works a lot better. I buy the perspective, and it feels like you’ve considered what is actually important with the amount of text and narrative weight you give to certain plot points. It seems as though the rewrite comprised of a lot of addition to the previous text rather than extensive cutting, though the tone and style have changed dramatically throughout. I think that was a good choice. It now feels like the important things are where Daniel/Lune directs their narrative focus. I’m still not the biggest fan of the humour — it’s just not my taste, I think eye dialect only cheapens the text’s feel, and the text can feel a bit soapy at times — though the rewrite has at least taken care of the worst of it, but this rewrite has kept me engaged and has me looking forward to the coming chapters.
P.S. I don’t agree with some of the other commenters that Jack works better as a perspective character if only because the only room for development it seems like he has is to learn to rely on others, to not need to win every fight, and to reach compromise. It doesn’t seem like that’s at the heart of the story you’re trying to tell, which is ostensibly about self-discovery, acceptance, and coming of age. While I think Jack has (or at least had) more depth than any of the other characters, that reads as more symptomatic of you struggling to build characterization of Daniel/Lune from the first-person perspective you’ve chosen. You manage to build characterization far better in the rewrite, but there’s always room for improvement. On the idea that Bellieney isn’t relevant to the story, I think the additions to her in the rewrite help justify her presence, but what you’re telling the reader (that she’s basically saved Daniel from depression after his grandmother died) doesn’t line up with how they treat her or how Belliney acts. I get that you’re trying to subvert the whole “magical guardian angel” thing, but I would put a bit more thought into how that works with the story as a whole. Maybe instead Belliney has been trying to help and protect Daniel/Lune but she always screws up, or maybe Belliney is still super lazy but Daniel/Lune has to keep her happy because of how important being a magical girl is to them. I don’t think you need to rewrite Belliney’s first chapter, but I would think about her characterization and how it works with the other arcs in the story.
Sorry for the rant. Keep up the good work!
