May 23, 2025
A few spelling and grammatical mistakes here and there - nothing major but I'd recommend throwing it through a spellchecker after the contest is done.
The major problem I have is with the setting. Where and when does this take place?
The fox-masked man made an Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass reference and that strikes me as strange because that suggests that this story takes place in our world (as in on Earth). But if that's true, then when does this story take place? Alice in Wonderland was written in 1865, which puts it at earliest near the start of the Second Industrial Revolution but by then, the power of the aristocracy has long waned. Based on the peerage, I'm assuming that this takes place in Europe?
The characters also seem to be speaking in the same language, which indicates that significant cultural exchange has already occurred. If they're speaking the same language, that means that either their cultures share a root ancestor or enough time has passed that linguists can teach that language to others. In this case, cultural norms should have already been exchanged and it would be strange that no one is familiar to her customs or cultural norms, especially if she is to be married to them.
Arranged marriages typically happen after long periods of negotiations and deliberations and while a sudden change in status could result in marriage proposals collapsing, the way you've written this indicates that Seren's family just sold her off for money. But in the aristocracy, a stronger family would not want to marry, or form an alliance with a failing house unless there was a material benefit so if Seren had already had an arranged prospect, she would have likely been dropped after her family's fall from grace. Sending the daughter to negotiate on her own behalf in the king's court for marriage isn't something that's done, ever - these negotiations are handled by the family head, which should be her father, the marquess. Considering that Seren is the daughter of an impoverished marquess, Seren is actually very undesirable as a marriage prospect because her family would not be able to afford to pay a dowry, meaning that her marriage prospects would be to aristocratic upstarts, such as barons, who are hoping to usurp her peerage. This of course, indicates that Seren has no male siblings and is the oldest daughter of the current marquess so that she can inherit her father's title, assuming they come from a culture where a woman can inherit a title at all.
But if Seren can inherit a title which makes her desirable for a lower-ranked noble, then they must be from the same or very similar culture, to the point where their titles are recognized across state lines. How then could they not be familiar with common social norms such as restrictions against holding hands?
Let's move past the anachronistic treatment of foodstuff preparation during the Second Industrial Revolution and consider this from a diplomatic perspective. Seren is supposedly the daughter of a marquess, which means she should have been trained to fulfill her role. The daughter of a marquess would certainly know better than to insult her host by not consuming any food or drink - it's insane for someone not to partake. Seren's comments about food seems to stem from a religious background of "unclean" food? Maybe halal/kosher? But her attitude is insane for a noblewoman, who would ordinarily not be involved in any food preparation at all. Historically, it's men who occupy all of the lead roles in a kitchen (as a chef) while women do prep work. As a noble, Seren would not be supervising food preparation at any level. If this is a matter of poisoning, then also doesn't make sense because women are historically treated as extremely expendable, even in the aristocracy. During the feudal era, kings would often eat food cold because of food tasters but women can eat it warm because their lives don't matter.
Seren was also referred to as "her grace", which indicates that she is either royalty or very close to it, but to my knowledge, she is only the daughter of a marquess and hasn't even inherited his title. Did she already marry a prince? Even if he weren't heir, why would they do that? Dropping honorifics is also insane, especially for people who have just met. If Seren were actually noble, she should already have retainers, especially ladies in waiting so her being provided new servants is kind of insane. Seren may have been forced to accept them into her service but it would be insane to trust them, especially to the point where they can drop honorifics.
I know I'm coming at you pretty hard and I know you didn't ask for a critique so feel free to just ignore me. I'm just a guy; what do I know? But if you want my advice, my advice would be to clarify your setting, whether it takes place in this world or another one, to clarify the time and place in which it takes place, and to watch your anachronistic or cultural references.
