Scott_Abrams

registered at: Aug 01, 2022
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    May 25, 2025

    I really dislike your formatting as it's very difficult to read and would strongly recommend using things like quotation marks to differentiate between speech. Take this chapter for example: This chapter, chapter 4? It's literally just one paragraph, one block of text. Also you might want to use a spellchecker because amongst other things, Skilless should be spelt with two L's, not three.

    This next part is probably going to be pretty brutal against your concept so I apologize in advance if I offended you.

    I've skimmed 4 chapters and it's slow going but the bigger problem is that I still don't understand how HEMA is supposed to be game-changing considering: a) martial arts were developed to fight against human opponents, not bears, magical equivalents, or magic-wielding demons, b) if you could use magic, why wouldn't you use both as that's the strength of mixed martial arts against traditional schools (Bruce Lee would totally use magic if he could), c) HEMA is focused on single-combat, not group combat, and the martial knowledge is mostly about using a variety of different weapons and forms from different periods but before the popularization of firearms, weapons, armor, and tactics almost always favored pikes and pike formations (a pike square can defeat cavalry, pikes vastly out-range other melee weapons, pikes are considered primary weapons unlike most swords which are considered secondary weapons so assuming an armored and dismounted men-at-arms closed the distance, it becomes a swordfight, or two people trying to bash each other over the head with the pommel of their sword), d) tactical formations from before the popularization of firearms always favored pike squares so a phalanx for example is useless so what's the value in learning the history?, e) wouldn't introducing game-changing technology or industrialization be more effective? f) skirmishing, Fabian's, terrorism/insurgencies, asymmetric tactics, and modern tactics to defeat conventional forces be more effective than pitched battles?

    I understand that you're trying to come up with a justification for why HEMA knowledge and tactics should defeat magic but it just doesn't make sense, especially when modern tactics also exist. If you're focused on logic and tactics, mixed martial arts with magic, like the Witchers, is the only logical result in a world where magic exists. Even in our world, HEMA is HEMA because it's obsolete. I can understand bullets or projectiles not working - a reason for that can be easily contrived but pikes, man. Pikes are the best, there's just no way to beat them. If you can enchant a sword, you can enchant a pike and anything that can defeat a pike will defeat a sword.

    I can understand HEMA being maybe useful against humans vs. humans but why would it work against demons?

    Let's take a look at Attack on Titan - specialized gear was developed to fight titans. This makes sense because they're fighting titans, not humans. In Gundam, mobile suits are made because naval tactics become obsolete due to minovsky particles. In Pacific Rim, Jaegers are made to fight Kaijus because nothing else works. It's the nature of the enemy that drives the tactics. Even Bran Stoker's Dracula features anti-vampire weaponry and tactics because their opponents are vampires, not humans. But your enemy here are demons, not humans, so how does HEMA knowledge and tactics, which are all based against fighting humans, supposed to help?

    I just don't understand the core logic.

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    Skillless Cover Art
    Skillless: Mentor of Heroes
    Chapter:4

    May 24, 2025

    Okay, orphans who are on the street are typically street-smart and they don't break into apartments to steal, especially not without casing it first. Breaking into an apartment requires not just lock-picking skills but also the tools, which are hard to come by. Finding a bundle of cash inside an apartment doesn't make sense because no one really keeps cash like that in their house and if you're breaking in to steal it, then that means you already know the cash is there, which means premeditation. If you don't know there's going to be cash and you break in without a plan (at the very least, what to grab) then it doesn't explain how she finds the cash. Street urchins usually beg, run scams, pick-pocket, shop-lift, or prostitute themselves to get by. Shoes are also really easy to come by in modern times, even for orphans who ran away from their orphanage. Breaking into an apartment without shoes doesn't make any sense.

    Why the yakuza would randomly be aware of a break-in at Sakai's apartment is weird, as is their presence. Protection racquets aren't the same thing as gaining private security, protection racquets is just a fancy way of saying extortion (pay us or bad things will happen to you, hence the 'protection'). So why are they there? Their numbers and coordination is not typical of the yakuza. Their actions are also really atypical of the yakuza. Snatch and grabs are very high-risk operations. If you piss off the yakuza, most times they will either kick your ass or kill you on the spot. Grabbing kids is also really fucked up, even by yakuza standards.

    The primary sources of income for the usual yakuza come from dealing drugs, gambling, loan-sharking, prostitution, and real-estate transactions. The prostitutes the yakuza press into service are usually either foreign-trafficked or indentured domestic, not random girls the yakuza find on the street. There are also different kinds of sex work, such as health-supplement service, soapland, or pornography.

    Yakuza headquarters are typically commercial units, in particular real estate offices, not apartment complexes. Yakuza might moonlight as slumlords but they won't base their operation there because of zoning laws. Yeah. The yakuza actually care about following laws like that. If they get raided by the cops (very likely) and they're found operating a business inside a residential area, that's grounds for fines, search and seizure, and maybe even arrests. There are also a lot more eyes moving around a residential unit, which criminals typically want to avoid. Yakuza would have multiple money laundering fronts, including rental units, but they won't base their operation in a residential area. Besides, commercial real estate is so much cheaper and cost efficient.

    Yakuza with a bad rep, especially against civilians, usually don't last long. The yakuza operate as a business - they value stability and profit. Violence is only a last resort. Needlessly violent yakuza groups will get arrested by the cops or ostracized/eliminated from other yakuza groups, which are often self-policing because they don't want the fuzz to come down on them.

    Presenting a random disheveled orphan to your boss isn't a present; no one would be happy with this. That's just gross. A pretty girl might be offered as a gift but she'd be cleaned-up before the presentation. Dirty orphans are stigmatized because they're probably carrying around venereal diseases, which make them poor gifts. They might get pimped out, but you wouldn't present this to a boss, let alone bring them into their office/place of business. If they have time to kidnap a kid, they have time to keep that kid locked up inside a closet or the boot of a car.

    I would recommend researching the yakuza because right now, these guys are coming across as cartoonishly evil and inept. Like, these guys are amateurs. Where's the organized part of organized crime?

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    Makeinu no Tōboe
    [CONCEPT] Makeinu no Tōboe [Howl Of The Loser Dog]
    Chapter:1



    May 24, 2025

    Firstly, you're throwing way too much stuff out there and it's very hard to keep track. Who is Ms. Chou? Or Jay? What color is Jay's hair/eyes and why does it matter more than describing the rest of his appearance? Focus on what's necessary and eliminate what you don't need. When you're writing, less is more.

    Secondly, this doesn't really read like a story, it reads like a log. Leon woke up, he ate some old food, he went to school. Everything is so mechanical. What's the plot? Just two guys going to school, work, and then home? Or that attempted robbery and subsequent ass-kicking that happens and resolves in the same paragraph? It doesn't even seem important; what was the point of that?

    Thirdly, when you're writing, you should pay attention to your rhythm. Words and sentences should come together and flow naturally, just like it does in a normal conversation. Your writing comes off as being very choppy and disjointed. Try to pace yourself and develop a scene. Give it life and then let it breathe.

    I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I don't know what it is you're trying to say. There doesn't appear to be a narrative structure - everything reads like a random walk from one place to another. Take the attempted mugging for example: Leon saves the girl but there's no interaction between Leon and the girl, it just doesn't exist. Leon is apparently part of a group called the spades but that was never alluded to, there's no build-up, or any explanation. Things just happen - it's so random.

    This isn't a spelling or grammatical issue, the problem is structural. Even with a modern-life world-building setting, everything feels so shallow. I think you need to revisit your concept and I would recommend a complete re-write.

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    Tales From Lion City
    Chapter:1