Sep 28, 2022
To:Xiellion
For the most part, I tried to write Fantaschiel!! as a gag-based comedy. Kind of like the Friends or some other TV show. From anime, the closest comparison would be something like Konosuba. The characters aren't necessarily meant to be deep- they're just there to play off of each other well.
The world and story of Fantaschiel!! are irrelevant- you could probably pick up almost any chapter besides the last 4 and get a knack for what is going on.
The seriousness picks up a little as the story goes on, but the stakes are never there until the final 3.
The only "real" character is Fantastasia, as we learn throughout the story. Starting from ch3, I sneaked in a few hints, though they were quite obvious for the most part. She's the only one with a complete psychological profile. You *could* consider Dezechiel a real character as well, given that he changes throughout the story, but his psychological profile isn't complete as we don't really know how he went from the empty-gazed angel to the way he was in ch1. Though that was not the focus of the story.
The narrator part worries me a little. At some points, I opted out of clarifying quick remarks were thought by characters (the only one that comes to mind is 'Eh? Is that what we're going with?!' thought by Deze once or twice throughtout the story) to avoid ruining the comedic timing. 'Eh? Is that what we're going with?!' he thought. is a little too on the nose in my eyes. Ultimately, it does not really change much; the fact the remark is there is what matters, though it's possible a small portion of these were meant for Deze.
The only plot-relevant one is towards the end of ch17, though that one should be pretty obviously Deze's since he literally begs for power. Similarly, here I avoided using the standard ' ' format because it's a little too on the nose and takes away from the ongoing climatic scene by taking you out of the immersion. At least in my opinion.
The narration commenting the stupid shit that goes on was one of the best ways I found to use comedy. Fun fact: the way I judged if the first couple of chapters were good was by having a friend read it and seeing how many times he laughed.
Having the characters be more proactive about breaking the 4th wall is, in my opinion, a very risky territory. Especially since, if overdone, it can come off as really cringy. Unlike having a lot of jokes where some may fall flat, chances are all of these 4th wall breaks could fall flat after the initial few.
BS aside, if Fantaschiel!! got a few good laughs out of you and was pleasant to read, I accomplished what I had aimed for. As said, this story was never trying to be something grand- just a bunch of funny situations to get you invested in these quirky morons only for the finale to play on those developed emotions a bit before giving you the happy ending (since just a flat happy ending would be boring and an open ending with little to no conclusiveness is cringe).
Thanks for reading and the critique ♥ I really mean it since this is the first round of critique I have gotten thus far
