Nov 21, 2023
Hello! I am new to this community so I have yet to learn the rules. I will be speaking about the basic grammatical errors that catch my eye.
I understand that their is always a time crunch with web novels. But I think that this piece would be even better if the author showed more than telling us. Instead of just a 'crazed mad scientist', maybe their is something unsettling that the scientist does. Of course I can use my imagination to picture a scientist who would be deemed crazy in popular fiction.
"This man...fields of study," said a young woman. - a comma instead of a full stop should be used here. If done purposefully I would like to know why.
Another image of Dr. Spinner - this confused me a little because if I read further, it actually seems to be a video rather than an image. Maybe I am wrong.
"But will say more on the other subjects" - I think an 'I' is missing here in the sentence.
"Some would say to look those weird gift horses..." - I think an 'at' is missing here
All other research...with notes for"- before the 'for', a comma is necessary for clearer understanding
"No less satisfaction is needed" - This sentence confuses me. I don't get it's meaning. Is their a typo or a missing word? I can't seem to solve this puzzle.
Why is the their a new paragraph for the same person speaking? It makes them feel a little disconnected. Does the scientist take a pause or is their some action done by from the speaker? Let me know if this was a conscious choice.
"I have discovered ... alignment." Something seems amiss. Should 'with' have been used here instead of 'until'?
I am assuming that the paragraphed way of writing the dialogue is to retain reader's attention. A big paragraph can be intimidating for a reader.
"More than ... entries"- use a full stop instead of comma here. The question asked here is an entirely new sentence and does not sit well as a continuation of this sentence.
...BABY!" - It isn't necessary to write 'said Dr. Spinner' that's because we as readers know who has been talking so long. Maybe in between the long dialogues it could have been included.
as ice cream - use the article 'an' here.
The metal ... hot day. - I like this sentence. This is what I was talking about. It really helps me visualize better as a reader.
Dr. Spinner ... with - use 'covered' in place of with so the sentence would be shorter. For eg, 'Dr. Spinner crawled out of the wreckage covered head to toe in a tar-like ooze.'
revealing his skin was white- I think 'revealing a white and transparent skin' would be a much better fit here.
His muscles... visible.- This sentence should be in the past because from the very beginning the story is in the past tense. I say this because according to the narrator all these events have already happened, right? Also, this sentence could've be conjugated with the previous one. An example would be, 'The ooze slowly fell off, revealing his muscles and veins from his transparent skin.' The point here is instead of using passive voice, use active voice. It would make the story more impactful a lot of the times.
I don't think it is necessary to repeat 'Dr. Spinner' at the beginning of every paragraph. After all we as readers know we are reading whatever he is doing.
A few more typos here and there but I think that doesn't distract an audience as much.
Although their were themes about the story that felt familiar based on what I have seen so far, their were also some unique elements to the story. I am not a biologist so I can't attest for the accuracy of the use of the biological terms and maybe it doesn't matter here.
If I've been too harsh, I apologize. As I said, I'm quite new here. I am in the mindset of a critique so sorry about that.
Anyways, thanks for the read.😀
