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Sinnocence

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registered at: Mar 08, 2024

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aaa

Jul 03, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

Yes. Yes. And also, yes. The other brother is too busy brooding over organ theft and getting verbally suplexed by Haila to be sneaking up walls. 😂

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:6

Jul 01, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

Tbh, I can see why you thought she'd climb over him. 😂

Thank you for picking up on the family hint. Comments like this make me feel like those little details matter. Appreciate it.

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:5

Jun 19, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

Yeah, the ones without the [Edited] are still in my re-editing process. It would probably be best you waited as a lot of stuff have changed personality wise with Yori. :]

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:4

Jun 18, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

For him to burn it after all that? I'm not that cruel.😅
The next chapter’s almost done. I think you’ll like where it goes next. Thank you again, for reading. 🙏

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:4

Jun 17, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

I'll just say there’s more she hasn’t said yet. ;]

Please keep reading. And thank you for feeling uncomfortable. That means it’s working. 😂

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:3

Jun 15, 2025

Are the Lover, Detective, and Father real people "you’ve" killed with doppelganger's? Is the room a literal cell, a dream, or a metaphor for "your" mind? Like stief said, I don't get it. The loop at the end doesn't really provide payoff in the normal sense. And that may, most likely be the point. Really well done unreliable narrator.

This may all just be me and the fact I don't completely get it. I trust you'd take it with a grain of salt: I feel the skip from “you’re trapped” to “you’re the killer” is a huge leap. One-shots do need to be efficient and economical, but I feel the idea behind this story was really difficult to pull as a one shot. The lover's dialogue also made me laugh a bit with all the drama-just because-accusations. I'm not sure if that was intended, I'd like to think it was. And the Father’s constant “child” felt a bit forced like it was trying to form a connection that wasn't there. But I suppose that could be part of the ambiguity. Whether it's even “your” father, in the first place. I also felt like you leaned more into prose over actually moving the plot forward. I don't think that's much of a problem though. It 'is' a one shot.

Despite how difficult this was to pull off, I think this is a really amazing one shot. You’ve hammered home the vibe and tone of a locked-room mystery to perfection. The small cast of characters. The setting being so minimalistic. I can clearly see why you thought a locked-room mystery would work for the contest's prompt. Using second-person as the MC is also a really bold choice. I think I've rarely seen it done as good as this work. I'm just personally glad to see an entry like this that doesn't play safe. :]

trace

Chapter:1

Jun 15, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

I hope it felt frustrating, because I wanted it to be. And no. I'm not a sadist who loves tormenting my characters (okay... Just a little👌). But the main reason is because putting your all into something isn't always rewarding immediately. Thank you for sticking with her through this mess. I assure you it gets better. (Then worse again. Sorry.)

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:2

Jun 15, 2025

To:Sakura Mazaki

“Adopted to be donated”
...
Man. Phrased like that, it does sound pretty cruel. 🥲
But that's the point, I suppose.
Anyway, thank u for reading, and I’m happy the start grabbed ur attention. It only gets worse from here. (In a good way... I hope?) 😅

Hale, Hearty And His To Inherit

Chapter:1

Jun 15, 2025

Nice, we've been introduced to the FL (in human form). I dunno, the Mc reads like a camera, and not an actual character. That's just the vibe I get. Though, I get what you're going for—he's an observer type of character, journalist kind and not the personal kind. It's not necessarily a bad thing depending on how you look at it.

“Well, it wasn’t delicate in the way magazine girls were, nether did she wear make up like the girls in my classes. But her eyes?” Small typo with the "nether."

Again, this chapter's prose is fantastic. You write like a really, really good anime storyboarder. Very wonderful mood piece.

Boy Who Cried Wolf-Girl

Chapter:1

Jun 15, 2025

For a brief second I thought you meant “Wan-wan Wan-wan” as that would be a better sounding onomatopoeia for the sirens but didn't arrange the sequence of the sentence that follows after properly.

Is what my stupid western brain was thinking. 😅

But in Japanese, “wan wan” is the standard onomatopoeia for dog barks, but some readers might misread it like I did. Though I doubt that since you mentioned you wrote this story as a submission for Jnc.

Anyway, I think this is excellent writing. It has this SOL boy voice paired with a biblical horror tone. However, I think your prose is at its best when it goes into horror.

Boy Who Cried Wolf-Girl

Chapter:0

Jun 01, 2025

Lol. People are obedient until obedience becomes a rule.

The opening felt a bit confusing. The gap between “disturbing surrealist metaphor” and “random weird stuff” there is really small. At times, the horror satire doesn't land for me. I don't know if I should laugh or feel scared.

“Now stay put, you little bastard! We’re not doing all of this for fun, you know.”

That dialogue walks the fine line of “creepy hotel manager” and “angry janitor from Courage the Cowardly Dog.” It’s funny. Surreal like courage too.

I think the dialogue drags a bit. “You will be serviced.” “I didn’t order service.” “You will be serviced.” Again, it's funny but I hope the statement gets payoff in the next chapter. As to the meaning, that is. Though I suspect it's not anything good. 😂

You know how to write atmosphere. The sudden slide back into the room was described brilliantly. You gave the perfect image needed to visualize it.

Professional Development

Chapter:1

Jun 01, 2025

There's a tone drift in the prose; you’re blending poetic statements with almost casual sarcastic ones. The difference was clearer in the previous chapter but murky here. Just an observation.

I had an inkling from the way the caller said Mandy in the last chapter that their identity was Talia. Nicknames and familiarity. Glad to see I was right. Though I can see how in hindsight it's predictable. However, I did not, expect the car crash twist. No wonder she's grieving so hard. This chapter's final line is as beautiful as the last.

Good job. :]

One Last Message

Chapter:2

Jun 01, 2025

Hmm. The voice in the first half comes off as a philosophy student doing a final exam.

Terrible jokes aside, really fluid and poetic scene transitions. I kinda feel the phone conversation loops but elegant writing all in all. For a relatively brief chapter, the relationship with Talia is felt. You used items (coffee and popcorn) to build her character. That's how it's done. 👍

Nice work with the caller's request; the specificity of the request makes me curious and slightly worried. Beautiful final line too.

And lastly, fitting ringtone for Amanda, and I suppose the chapter: The Last Goodbye.

One Last Message

Chapter:1

Jun 01, 2025

The beginning: “I’m gonna die.”
The middle: “Cake?”
The end: “Let’s go to the office and flirt.”

I love how he thinks. ;]

Goddess Akra wants a promotion

Chapter:3

Jun 01, 2025

Some serious pettiness and incredible work ethic from the goddess. 😭

Hah, imagine if she was a passive-aggressive GPS voice for the trucks.

Goddess Akra wants a promotion

Chapter:2

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