sheepish

sheepish

registered at: Apr 06, 2024
MyAnimeList iconMyAnimeList icon
Badge

badge-bronze

bronze
Achievement
Thumbs up Level 3
Comments Level 1
Time(Daily access) Level 2


May 15, 2024

Really digging the concept you've got going on here! Very interested to see how it'll play out once Kin meets the rest of the tribe. Are there any specific cultures that inspired the Swarna? The naming conventions seem to be Hindi, is that the only language you're pulling from?

A couple criticisms:

Be more conservative with the dialogue tags. You don't have to use them nearly as often as you do. Quotation marks already tell us that someone is speaking, so you don't have to constantly use "x said". Try using a character's action as the tag instead.
I also encourage you not to limit your tags to the end of sentences. You've already done some experimenting with putting them in the middle, so now try putting them before the dialogue. Sakura would have seemed more grateful for the lotus had we learned of her smile before she thanked Kin for it, for example.
This chapter was a lot better about the dialogue tags than the others, so you're already improving!

Now for that short action sequence at the end. I know it's tempting to drag things out to build tension, but shorter sentences are better at delivering the fast-paced intensity that's actually going on in the moment. Kin's family getting attacked wasn't the calm before the storm, it was the storm--the action is already happening, so it needs to play out and mess everything up quick. For immersion purposes, more description wouldn't hurt, either; Mom got beheaded and the only mention of blood is after Dad got hit? Kin should be swimming in that shit, bro.

You have very good command of worldbuilding. Work more on the technical parts of writing and you'll be all set as a storyteller.

icon-reaction-1
Loading...
icon-reaction-2
Loading...
icon-reaction-3
Loading...
icon-reaction-4
Loading...
icon-reaction-5
Loading...
icon-reaction-6
Loading...
0
Gold
Chapter:6