May 21, 2025
Sometimes the way Anneka and Lex talk feels like 4D chess. I've had to reread a few parts just to keep up. The writing is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but when those parts go on for too long, it can pull the reader out of the story a bit.
On the flip side, some of the dialogue feels a little too direct or robotic. Like when Anneka refers to the distance in feet or when Lex loses a fight in 60 seconds. Or even a line like “we can both go this much better sitting on the support of something solid and higher up” where a more natural version might be something like, “Let's go sit on that bench.” Just small tweaks like that could make the dialogue feel more organic.
I was also a bit confused about Anneka's attitude toward Lex. Early on, she says she can't stand him, but later she checks on his injuries. Is that intentional? Could she be... a tsundere? *gasp*
Again, lots of chonky dialogue. Breaking them up a bit might make them easier to follow and give the reader time to breathe.
Lastly, both Anneka and Lex sound way older than they are. Anneka's 14 according to her mom, and I assume Lex is 14 too or at least close in age, but their convos feel like a back and forth between philosophers. If that's intentional, cool. But if you're going for a teen voice, it might help to scale back some of the super scholarly dialogue.
I'll be stopping here for now, since the readability is a bit tough for me. I'd rec checking out some other stories on this site to get a feel for structure and flow (which I can see you've already been doing :3). Reading books outside of HF can also help a lot with pacing and dialogue. Wishing you all the best on your writing journey!
