Jun 22, 2025
Ah, that's wholesome. Yeah, starting a conversation can be a pretty daunting task. So it's great to see Akari being able to start a conversation like that.
As for Homura, the fact that he's surprised at how smoothly the conversation went could indicate that he doesn't think of himself so highly, or maybe he's usually just too awkward.
I suppose I can relate to both of them. I manage to start a few conversations here and there. But I also sometimes struggle with finding the right topic or question to start a conversation with someone, especially if they're a stranger. I'm afraid of being rude, I suppose.
Here are some feedback for this chapter:
"The atmosphere is too quiet, and at the same time, it makes 𝘁𝗵𝗲 heart beat faster.
I bolded a comma that I think should be there, it's right after the word "time".
I also think it's better for you to change the "the" that I bolded to "my". It just seems to flow more naturally.
"It felt relieving to leave a place with 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗮 horrifying atmosphere, so I was grateful I didn't have to stay long a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶o̶s̶p̶i̶t̶a̶l̶ 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲."
Add the bolded "such a", and replace "at the hospital" with "there" in order to make the sentence less clunky.
Besides that, I feel like the dialogue needs more tags, as well as more descriptions of their body gestures and facial expressions. The conversation between Akari and Homura feels a bit too script-like. Adding the tags can also help with figuring out who's speaking for the line.
Oh, and, it's cool to see another Indonesian writer on this website. Writing can be pretty hard, not to mention doing it in a foreign language, so a few mistakes here and there are understandable. Keep it up!
Wow, I think I spend a lot of my time writing this comment than reading the next chapter, hopefully I'm able to do that. I hope my feedback helps with your writing!
