Jul 30, 2025
To:DarraghBoi
Another thing that I think could improve one piece of dialogue is the part where Bubel is talking about mana (same could be said about "constructs" & "relics"). It reads like an exposition dump and a bit unnatural. Paddy didn't ask what mana is (and maybe he doesn't care. I feel like him asking would be out of character at this point) so there is no reason for Bubel to talk at length about it like he does. I think if you cut out the middle bit of the dialogue so it looks like:
"No detectable mana. Your body isn't attuned to this world's magic. We can only hope mana seeps into you over time, or you'll be at a serious disadvantage."
gets the point across just fine and doesn't repeat itself (permeate & seeps), while still having Bubel add a reflective thought. I'm sure it is important to explain what mana is, so perhaps you can add it in a later chapter when it's more relevant.
