Mar 24, 2026
"Carthage: Total War" more like Carthage Total Snore!
An Angry Gaemr Review by AtariLynxNut69
Its bad enough that Creative Assemble has ceased to be creative: With this being their 3rd sequel in a row after Persia 2, Catholic Japan 3 and Now Carthage 2: Total War. But now it seems they have abandoned the "assembly" part as well, since they CANT FINISH A FUCKING GAME. Carthage II: Total War is at its best a derivative sequel featuring better graphics and incremental improvements over the 2004 classic so as to justify the demands on your hardware and wallet. But note what I just said there, "At its best." Its best is much like Astyanax a brief glimmer of potential before it spends the rest of the time crashing. The game is a bug ridden glitchy unfinished product that is so bad Ea Games is stopping to take notes like Prussian Officers during the American Civil War!
Let's ignore the moment that one broken quest where Queen Dido keeps falling through the walls and disappearing. I can't even play as Aeneas! The supposed selling point whose screaming face is on the cover! Oh sure I can select him, I can add him to my roster, but any time a put him on the field the game forgets to give him morale. I field him just to have the coward flee the battlefield like its The Battle of fucking Marathon or something. But to make matters worse, I can't even click on the man, because anytime I select him Korydros somehow teleports in spouting the same 4 lines. It doesn't matter if I send him on the other side of the battlefield. I click Aeneas and there his is "
Your orders, my prince?
Your orders, my prince?"
I ordered you to sail for spices with Fucking Hanno you Trojan Tosser! Why are you here!
If it wasn't bad enough that entire levels of the campaign are unplayable, the worst parts are also unskippable. CA decided to replace the basic tool tips with something more "immersive" an "advisor" old lady that just spouts off random riddles. It's bad enough that the riddles make no damn sense and you have to just read the translation tooltip anyways like its a No Fear Shakespere text, and defeats the. ENTIRE.FUCKING.POINT! But these tooltips are completely unavoidable, can not be skipped, and so no matter what difficulty level you are on you must hear this haggard old advisor lady give you the same "budget sliders are like the scales of thoth" every. single. baaldamned. time you open the economy window. Why do you punish me for just wanting to adjust my economy CA? Are you all Libertarians or something?
I've heard it said that you shouldn't be so hard on the game because "iTS gOInG To GeT bETteR iN PAtChEs." But i'm sorry, this game was sold for 60 shekels at full release with Day 1 DLC. The only beta here is you for taking a chair to watch while CA makes your wallet feel like a real woman!
***Be sure to join next wednesday when Angry Gaemr reviews Daikatana IV!***
