Oct 17, 2025
Great chapter - but a few points to call out:
- If Tahvin was feeling fear i feel like the reference to a Bird of Prey if off, I think a flight or fawn response would be a better descriptor and really solidify the feeling you are going for
- "avoid angering my parents" - I feel like you could leave this as "avoid their anger" as you mention your parents later and it creates a separation from the respect in calling them parents.
- "One of my brothers had done something again" - I feel like this is vague in the sense that it needs a descriptor like "Done something terrible again" or some other word.
- In the part where he is startled awake - I feel like knowing what I do about Tahvin thus far he would not express verbally. I think it would flow better if it said "I grabbed at my chest, heart pounding, trying to catch my breath". You then mention gripping at the heart again..I think you could state there that as you took deeper breather and rationalized where the memory came from your heart slowed and breathing returned to normal.
- Bookshelves don't dangle lol - unless I have weird bookshelves lol
- As always the banter between Phyllis and Tahvin are a highlight for me :)
I think again my comment is relevant here that Tahvin seems to take himself almost too seriously in the writing style. He sounds like a wordsmith - not a mopey middle aged man.
