Jul 22, 2021
Intriguing work. As someone who's likely within your target demographic, I hope my comment can be helpful to you.
Firstly, definitely proofreading is necessary to make a good novel! I'd suggest Grammarly or perhaps a beta reader to help you out. Grammar, punctuation, and vocab can definitely make or break a piece, so it's certainly something worth investing in. I think your dialogue could also use some work. It can help to read your writing out loud, to make sure things sound natural. I saw other comments noting also that while your characters are supposed to be childhood friends, your dialogue reflects quite the opposite. This is a sentiment that I shared as well while reading. :)
I think your protagonist (or at least, your POV character) comes across as caring only about how Ken perceives her. I’d love to see her ambitions and her own personality, not pertaining to the other male characters in your writing later on. There’s a lot of opportunity for you to develop this, though, so looking forward to this improvement! This also reflects another of the comments, in that your first chapter has very little substance other than flirting. I would have loved to see some sort of hook to do with either magic or science, so I’m hoping to see this too in your second chapter.
As a woman, I think I am qualified to note that your tone feels quite condescending. I think the idea of men having to 'give' women opportunities in itself is inherently misogynistic, which is brought up in your synopsis (although I know that this is an issue women face - I think that this would make good satire, if that was your intention). Throughout the chapter, you use descriptions such as 'slender frame' and 'badassness.' I think you might need to reassess the way you think about women, as this caters directly to the male gaze and will likely repel any possible female readers. I would suggest doing some research into the female gaze instead, and thinking about the actual issues women might face in the corporate world. This is better than what the image you have created in your mind might be.
That being said, I am looking forward to your portrayal of wonderful women and girls and your growth in later chapters. Have a fantastic week. :)
