Ch. 5 The lie I have been searching for.

She has been gone for many years now.

The memorial here lets you know almost anything about the person you are searching for. You can even see their memories. The only thing that you can't feel is their emotions.

I looked at it. All of it. Fortunately, you can play them much faster than how they happened in real time, but it still took me until midnight.

She...she never even tried to look for me...

After she got here(or should I say now?), she was picked quickly by some guards, and that exact same night she went to bed with one of them. Technically, not even a full day had passed since the explosion.

After that, she spent her time doing for that guard the same things she did for me. She got married quickly, and lived off of her husband for the rest of her days. She never settled for just that man, but she always kept the others well hidden.

The only time I was ever mentioned, was when she was asked about what she was doing when she died. "Hanging out with a friend" was all she ever said about it.

A friend, she probably never even considered me that much.

It was all a lie. haha. of course. of course it was a lie. How could I have been stupid enough to think everything would be solved just like that? Did I really think I had the right to be happy? With or without her, there was no happiness to be found. 

"DO I NOT EVEN DESERVE THAT MUCH?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS WORLD HAVE AGAINST ME?"

In the 23 years I have lived, there have been a lot of ups and downs. But this was the only moment when all I could do was fall on my knees.

Was it the fact that I felt something for her? Was it jealousy? Was it realization that I was still naïve? Was I sad because she was dead? Because she never cared about me? Because the only hope I had left was now gone? I dodged a bullet, what was I even sad for?

Was I angry at myself? Was I ashamed? Was that despair? Those questions were racing through my mind.

I just stayed there on my knees, with a blank face, with the woman who has waited for me behind for all those hours. Not saying anything.

And then, it hit me.

"There...there is nothing left for me."

No reason to keep going. For what? For whom? Whatever I try to do fails. Every up in life is there just to give you space to fall even lower.

"That...that's really it..."

In a moment of weakness, I looked back at Mori, who was just standing there, clearly not knowing how to react. She had also read a bit of her memories, so she knew a bit about my relationship with Haru.

Forcefully turning her troubled face into that kind smile, she took a step towards me opening her arms.

The moment I understood what her intention was, I stood up quickly.

"Don't you dare do it!"

Don't you dare do the same thing she did when I was weak. I am not falling for this again. not again. never again.

Without saying anything, she looked at me with a surprised face, exhaled deeply and nodded.

I left, I wanted to be alone. I was looking for a place where I can just sit and think.

Fortunately, this city knows how to create an isolated corner on a street.

I sat there, on the ground, my back against the wall, looking at the sky.

It was the first time I looked at the sky for more than a second, it was night already, and the stars were illuminating it, way, way above us.

As I sat there, everything hit me. Every moment together with her. Every time I thought even for a second that it was going to be ok. one day. It will all be fine.

Everything was a lie.

I was doing my best to act like a man. 

A man would never cry over a broken heart. So stop. Stop them. STOP THEM.

They didn't stop. Tears started flowing, and I kept fighting them. It hurt. I was wiping but to no avail.

I got mad. I hit myself. Nothing helped.

I started screaming. Was it rage? Pain? I didn't know.

That's when I felt them.

From the back, 2 hands wrapping themselves around me.

I felt the smell of perfume, one I was starting to get used to.

?: "It's ok. Let it out. Pretend I am not here."

Hah, of course, those walls never stay how I want them to.

Through a hole in the wall made perfectly to fit her body, Mori wrapped her arms around me.

Not again. You are acting like a fool again. You are so lame.

But I couldn't find the strength to push her away. If only for 1 more moment, I wanted her to stay there.

Am I falling for her already? Am I that shallow?

No, it wasn't that. I just needed her. At that moment, that was the best thing she could have done.

"Mori, please, please just stay like that. Please, just... just don't leave me."

Mori: "Don't worry, I won't."

That night I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And when I stopped, just like a little kid, I fell asleep at the chest of the person holding me.