Stop trying to be a detective

I was dumbfounded. The hell is going on!? The fat ape was making demands of ME. Not weirdo not-related-to-Derek-Jeter over there, so why the fuck does he get the final say, huh!?

"Ivy! Did you not say you wanted to save the world!?" I shouted in fury.

Ivy shot me a stink eye. "Deal with it. Jeter says it's ending, it's ending. Nothing to be done about it."

What the hell? She's been brainwashed!

"Momo, you'll just have to accept this. I'm sorry. Oh, and you can take off your bald cap too. Ookley's gone, so the bald mandate is no longer required... Though I imagine many will continue to wear bald caps as a fashion statement," Jeter sighed as he got up and prepared to warp away. "Oh, one final thing. Machi and Meiru are fine. Though Meiru AND Akane will now be permanently bald, and relegated even further from their roles as fools," he scowled, directing his glare towards the goth girl and the sleezy politician.

Then in a flash, Jeter the weirdo vanished, but I doubt he was dead like the fat ape, and the chance said fat ape was going to give us to save the world.

"Hear that, Vier, Jeter decided to punish your favorite character, and even retconned the canonical deaths I slipped in. What a shame. We made a good team, yes?" the politician sneered.

The goth girl replied with a mere tongue click, vanishing an instant later. That left just the sleezy politician and the fashion model bitch, the latter of which appeared to be more focused on staring down at the spot the fat ape had died.

"To think he'd do such a thing to the boss here. When he sees this, there will be hell to pay," she snarled under her breath.

"And a hell worth watching. Speaking of which, Ivy, how do you feel about the fact that Momo isn't really bald?" the sleezy politician snickered.

"HUH!?

Fucking asshole! But I guess I'd better try to smooth... STRAIGHTEN things out.

I maneuvered my fingernails under the ends of the bald cap I had concealed perfectly with makeup and plopped the bald cap off, sending my gloopy hair tumbling down. Ivy's face began to contort in a way I sadly knew all to well, indicating pain and hell were incoming, but the anger suddenly paused as confusion began to hold it back.

"Huh? Why's your face still look bald?"

Now, I had a way to get out of this mess.

"Allow me to explain. You see, while I might not have shaved my head, I DID shave my eyebrows and trim my eyelashes."

"...?"

"There was no way I'd shave my head just to get in here, but I had to make it look like I did. There were two big ways I achieved this. The first, was the video. Requiring all entrants to film themselves going bald was a blessing in disguise, as it allowed me to exploit a popular editing trick..."

Ivy just stared in confusion, as if she didn't have a clue to what I was talking about. Don't tell me she didn't see the video!

"Uh, so I filmed a video where-"

"Don't give a fuck."

"Alright... Anyway, just as I shoved the hair clippers towards my hair, the video feed cut out. I made the excuse my phone battery had died without me knowing, but that was a lie. While the camera was off, I put on a bald cap. It wasn't easy as I had to use tons of makeup to conceal the creases of it and make it look natural. When that was done, I shaved off my eyebrows then lathered up with shaving cream before turning the video back on. To reduce the risk of the bald cap ripping, I used a razor without a blade, then I just trimmed my eyelashes on stream and voila, everyone thought I was hairless. You see, if I actually shave my eyebrows and trim my eyelashes, and appeared to be bald as well, people will assume I really am bald-"

"Yeah, shut the fuck up," Ivy snarled as she whipped out her bibi gun and fired a pellet at my left breast, giving me a taste of pain again.

...

After making my way back outside, with surprisingly little resistance, I turned to face the fat ape's colleagues that had followed me out. "The fat ape is gone, so now what?"

"That's simple, it means one of us will now have to save your world, but only if you agree to it," the fashion bitch smiled.

"And Derek Jeter?"

The woman began to scowl. "I don't care. Now, let's say that to get me to save this world, it's gonna need a little makeover."

"A bald one?"

"Ahahaha, no. Everyone only ended up bald because of both the boss' suggestion, and Jeter's own decline. I on the other hand am in the prime of my youth, so how about I make everything beautiful, yes?"

"Your definition of beautiful?"

The woman smirked and pointed towards a passerby, whipping out a pen similar to the one Jeter used. In an instant the bald bland background girl became a living shojou manga character.

"Suitable to your liking?"

I paused. I HATED shojou manga. Always was more into the stuff for guys. But to spend the rest of my life looking like a shojou character just to save the world?

"Yeah, world can end. Fuck it."

"Too bad, I now have control, and I'm going to make the most of it!" the woman cackled as she aimed her pen at me.

"Put that shit away, you fashion model bitch!"

"Josie. The name's Josie, darling. So refer to me proper now. And without further ado, let's give you a makeover."

Desperate, I turned towards the sleezy politician, hoping he'd give me an out, but the look on his face said it wasn't an option, rather, he seemed eager to see me suffer.

"And done, now tell me what you think," Josie giggled as she hopped up and down, her heels clicking and clacking on the sidewalk.

"Done"? I didn't even feel anything.

But when I looked at myself in my pocket mirror, I screamed. That bitch had turned me into a shoujo character.