Anew?

I wept and wept and wept. This world is cold, lonely, painfully lonely. Nobody. Do I exist? Do I? All I see is white. White. Am I floating? Standing? Breathing? I scream, for what seems to be days, or years. I am still alone… After a while I stop crying, I stop crying, and let the tears dry.

Do

I

Exist?

Beep...Beep...Beep. I awake. I felt, again. Before I even knew it doctors surrounded my bed with silver droplets dancing along the hem of their eyelids. I looked to them and barely mustered the energy to say...“M-ma...mmmM...Mam...a.” They looked to me, and I to the crimson lurking...the heaviness of their presence emerged, again. Why? Why? Why? I said to myself. I felt so tired, so I closed my eyes and slept.

Months...maybe weeks, after my recovery from the hospital I was put into an orphanage. A lot of kids around me, is what this old lady who I met with frequently—every day?—would tell me. She would say “make friends,” FRIENDS. She would also say “a 9-year-old boy like you should make a lot of friends and be happy.” She would say that with a smile that recalled the heaviness of the crimson people. I didn’t try to befriend anyone, nobody tried to befriend me. The crimson people were less abundant but were still around, the pure sky blue people were usually around...but lurking and waiting? Sometimes the crimson and the sky would kill each other and disappear. I thought to myself that he would come to pick me up or maybe Mama, but after waiting too long, other people came...strangers came for me. These strangers told me the truth...two women. They took me with them to their home, at the orphanage they said they loved me...and that made me, happy? But when we got home and I stopped having to see that old lady every day. They told me and did everything.

I learned of death that way, I learned that Mama wanted nothingness for me as she took her own life...she wanted to save me? I learned of other people before them who wanted to use me to save themselves? These two women saved me? I wanted to believe what they told me. But...they would lock me in the darkness of a room and beat me until I couldn’t move a muscle. They would suffocate me and touch me in places that seemed to make them feel good, all the while they had a tight-lipped grin. I cried and cried every night. I cried and cried every night. I cried and cried every night.

Once the two women got tired of using my body for their own pleasure they began to use my body for a quick buck. Men, women….both came to heave and moan. Loudly. Behind. Me. Sleep, eat scraps, rape, repeat...for Years? I got used to it by escaping to that world of nothing. I did that by killing myself every night. In that white world of nothingness that Mama helped me find, I didn’t have to feel the weight of my shitty world, I didn’t have to be reminded that nobody loved me, nobody loved me? Nobody loves you. I wanted to hate the world, I wanted to hate everything and just stay in that world...but I realized that I was neither alive nor dead. I couldn’t die, only escape life briefly. Why? Why? Why does the world reject me?

I want to hate it. I want to hate it. I want to hate it. But She…

I finally left that house when I reached the legal age in this part of the world. Soon after, I began to attend university and found two part-time jobs to cover most of my expenses. I lived alone, every day dreaming, yearning for the pinnacle of peace; death. The crimson people and the pure sky blue people I came to learn were just what humans called Demons and Angels. They stopped coming near me.

For a while

Everyone and everything…

Stopped

Coming

Near...me.