Friendships That Should Have Been More

I gripped my coffee cup tightly.

"What?"

Ray nodded. "Yeah, apparently she liked you back then."

I took a breath. Oxygen suddenly felt insufficient.

Emi…

"She called me bestie," I said. My voice came out hoarser than I expected. How could she have liked me?

Ray shrugged. "Maybe it was a defense mechanism?"

"What does that even mean?" I said, unable to come up with a logical explanation. Wasn't she the one who pulled the best friend card before anything even started?

My heart skipped a beat. I tried to remember. Something felt off. If she liked me, why had she never shown it?

"So, you really distanced yourself just because she called you bestie?" Ray looked at me in disbelief.

"I mean, that wasn’t the only reason." My voice was flat. Even if I started thinking about it now, I wouldn't be able to come up with anything concrete.

"Then what other reason was there?"

"I don’t remember."

"See? There is no other reason. You acted that way just because she called you bestie." Ray had already drawn his own conclusion. The way he talked as if he hadn't even listened to me made me even more irritated.

"Ray, are you serious?" I kept my voice low, but without realizing it, I pressed harder against my cup. "Do you really think I distanced myself from her just because she called me bestie?"

Ray shrugged again. "I mean, if there was no other reason…"

I felt my irritation rising. "Do you really think that’s the kind of person I am?"

I know myself. I show my true self to those close to me. Ray, of all people, should know that. Yet here he was, completely going against me on this.

"I do, but dude, you can’t even give a single excuse."

"That’s not true."

To be fair, from an objective standpoint, he wasn’t exactly wrong. He was asking for a reason, and I couldn't think of one. But we were talking about something that happened 3-4 years ago. When you add those years to my current personality, of course, I would need time to recall everything.

"For example, if she hadn’t called you bestie, would things have turned out differently?" Ray continued. The conversation had shifted into a series of what ifs. But his question was intriguing.

"If Emi had called me something else that day instead of bestie… If she hadn’t created that distance… If I hadn’t distanced myself… "

The thoughts swirled in my head like a vortex. Could things really have been different? Or was I just fooling myself?

"How should I know? That’s not how things happened," I said, lowering my gaze to my coffee. I had unknowingly finished my entire cup. From an outsider's perspective, what was I even doing? Was it stress?

"So, from now on, are you going to avoid pursuing anything with someone just because they put you in the friend zone?"

"I mean, if they see me that way, there’s nothing I can do about it."

"How is there nothing you can do?"

"How the hell is there something I can do?" I sighed deeply. One of the things I hated most was discussing relationships with other guys, even though I was one myself. "Think about it, would you call a girl you liked bestie?"

"I mean, that’s not the point—"

"Would you?" I cut him off and repeated my question.

"I wouldn’t, but we’re thinking with a guy’s mindset," he said. But ironically, his earlier argument was also from a guy’s mindset, and he didn’t even realize it.

"It doesn’t matter. If someone sees me that way and acts accordingly, then it was never meant to be from the start." I knew I was right. But if I was so sensitive about being called bestie, had Emi realized that back then? Was this something I had overlooked all this time?

"Dude, you have way too many criteria. Do you really think you’ll find someone perfect like this?"

"That’s not the point. I can’t betray my own emotions just for a fling. And if I don’t intend to live solely by my emotions, I don’t see anything wrong in being selective."

"But what if she acted that way just to get closer to you?"

"What? Weren’t we already close?"

What kind of nonsense was this? Even Yasu was watching us in silence, visibly confused. Thankfully, we were sitting in a corner of the café—this was the kind of conversation typical among guys.

"Maybe she wanted to establish a close friendship first, thinking the rest would naturally follow?"

I paused. I had nothing to say. Ray’s argument made sense—I knew it deep down. But still, that wasn’t something that should have been applied to me.

"You’re thinking wrong—"

"Because back then, she really did like you. And when you distanced yourself, she spent days crying and trying to figure out why. That was when we became close as friends, too."

My throat tightened.

Even though I still believed I had done the right thing, had I really hurt her that much? I had never considered that before.

"By the way, she knows we’re talking about this."

"What?"

"I asked her if it was okay to mention it to you. She said she didn’t mind. And apparently, she doesn’t have a boyfriend right now."

I tried to process what I had just heard. So Emi knew… and—

"She’s actually waiting for a message from you," Ray said, finishing his sentence.

…She’s waiting for me to reach out?

After all this time, is she still leaving a door open for me?

"I…"

Just as I was about to speak, Ray’s phone rang, cutting me off. He glanced at it.

"Sayuri’s calling," he said before answering. "Oh, you’re here? Alright, alright, I’m coming now."

After hanging up, he looked at us. "Anyway, let’s talk about this properly later. Sayuri just arrived, so I should go."

He was clearly done with this conversation. To be honest, I hated it too, but hearing my best friend think this way made it hard to accept.

"Alright," I replied in a flat tone and watched him gather his things. "What about you, Yasu?"

"This conversation was a bit deep for me. Honestly, I don’t want to fill my head with this kind of stuff, and I’m terrible at giving relationship advice anyway. Besides, I have dinner plans with my dorm mates. I should probably get going too."

Yasu also got up.

"Oh, alright then." If they were both leaving, there was no point in me staying either. So I gathered my things too. "Thanks for today."

"It was a good day. See you later." Ray waved before heading off.

"See you," we both replied.

Ray and I weren’t exactly fighting, but I was still annoyed.

After we parted ways, I walked toward the bus stop. Blue LED lights surrounded the streets. The area was crowded. So many couples. Some were out shopping, others were walking hand in hand.

Meanwhile, I walked down the tree-lined path outside the mall, hands in my jacket pockets, lost in thought.

Inside, I was
angry.

At everything, at everyone.

At this world’s perception of relationships.

I was filled with hate.

Why was everything like this?

Why were people so ruthless? So indifferent?

Did they not consider the weight of the past when they spoke of it?

The new world order had completely changed social dynamics.

This wasn’t the romance I knew.

Being friends wasn’t wrong. Starting there wasn’t wrong.

But how could you feel anything for someone who repeatedly implied they only saw you as a friend?

A defense mechanism? Or just inexperience?

Are we idiots? Do people like this still exist? Are you naïve parasites or something?

People spill their relationship problems to anyone, seeking advice as if it’s free therapy—without even considering how the other person might feel.

And the worst part?

I had been that free therapist my entire life. Despite never having a relationship, despite not feeling anything for years, people still came to me for advice.

Were my standards too high? So what if I distanced myself over a single word?

Why can’t I fall in love?

This is why.

I’m not arrogant. I’m selfish.

I hold grudges.

I won’t text Emi.

But…

I realize now, I made mistakes too.

I should have at least given her an explanation.

Maybe, if I do text her… it’ll be to apologize.

Even if I don’t want to.