The sky

I tap my foot to the melody of the music. My eyes grow tired of the blue screen before me, the cursor blinks to me and I blink back. I look from the screen to the window behind the laptop, outside the tops of houses reveal the rugged surface of the world, beyond it the sky meets the earth...beyo--Before I can even react Lilac is holding my headphones in her hand, the music now playing out loud as I tilt my head to meet her gaze. She leans in--catching me off guard again--and presses her lips against mine until I grow exhausted and slightly jerk my head back. I want to say something to break the awkward silence after the kiss, I don’t know what to say about last week. “Want to binge on some movies again?” she says to me and I nod. She drops the headphone in my lap and goes to lay on the bed, my eyes follow for a moment then I return to my world. My eyes look up to the sky again, “<><<><<><” I can hear her faint voice lingering behind the music but I choose to ignore it and stare at the darkness of the sky, I watch as the clouds bathe in the moons radiant light and move slowly, carelessly. The sky, so paradoxically beautiful...here but not here.

A shield to protect?

A cage to imprison?

My fingers begin to tap against the keys and my eyes dart back to the blue screen.

I yawn softly as I crack my back rising from my chair. I then bring the laptop over to the bed where she sleeps unbothered. My hand reaches for her and taps her slowly so we can watch the movie. She chooses to ignore me, I can tell because I see the creases on her cheek forming a smile. A smile? I lay beside her while scrolling through Netflix. “I don’t know what to put,” I say, not wanting her to forcefully watch something she doesn’t want. She gets up slowly--still playing the part--and snatches the laptop from my hand. I get up again realizing that I left all the lights and turn them off, then return to my spot beside her. She places the computer on her side so that I am forced to look over and cuddle with her.

I do it.

The blue screen’s light is plastered yet again against my eyes. I feel her shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. Her hands are now in my pants while I stare at the screen. She grabs my hand and shoves it into her own pants.

She has no underwear. I can feel the softness of her flesh.

I try to retract my hand but she whispers. “Stop being a wuss already. And do it”

My eyes were plastered on the blue screen, the figures losing shape and color as I did as told. She continued to rub me and I her. She heaved.

She pushed me and pinned me down, got on top of me, and slipped down her pants and mine.

Colors.

Shape.

Gone.

All I saw was a smile etched in the darkness as she moaned. Moaned. Moaned.

She slept holding and cuddling me, her breasts pushed up against me. My body, in the same position as before. My eyes, fixed on the same spot.

Colors.

Shape.

Coming back.

She held me. I felt her warmth.

I did as told. It’s ok if she uses me. I say to myself. She stayed so it's ok.

Suddenly she shifts and is getting up from the bed

“Babe I’m going to go home, sorry.”

I look to the laptop to find the time digitized in a corner

She’s gone.

I look to the window behind my desk and can no longer see the roughness of the roof-tops poking timidly, all I see is the dark sky, the moon, and the melancholy drift of the clouds.

The sky, so paradoxically beautiful...here but not here.

A shield to protect?

A cage to imprison?