Bitter Memories (Part 1)

‘Sori was right! It’s like my senses are being assaulted! But in a fun way!’ Mari thought, sniffing at the air in the spice shop. Her strong senses just enhanced the experience. There were so many different odors, she couldn’t identify them all! ‘This is fun! I’m glad Azreal is letting us do whatever we want while shopping today!’

Nanny had gone to the capitol to visit an old friend for two days. She’d wanted her grandchildren to do the shopping while she was gone and they’d left the house in the morning but had had lunch at a restaurant and were slowly exploring their way through the smaller shops on their way to the market at the town center. Mari still hadn’t seen everything the town had to offer and was relieved that Azreal wasn’t forcing her and Sori to hurry up. He’d even assured them that, as long as they got everything on Nanny’s list, there was nothing wrong with having a fun day out since it was just the three of them. Mari browsed the shop leisurely, running her hand over objects that caught her interest. Azreal had said she was free to look around while he bought what they came for.

‘This is odd behavior for him, though.’ Mari noted. ‘He seems... more relaxed than usual and like he’s okay with this. I think he’s actually enjoying it! Normally, it’s like he doesn’t understand how to have fun or what to do around more than four people.'

Azreal had slowly opened up over the last week and told her a bit more about himself. A lot of it was minor information about his likes and dislikes and that sort of thing. But, out of nowhere, he’d occasionally let bits about his past slip out, seemingly unaware that he was describing things that weren’t normal.

From what she could piece together, Azreal been sold to a mercenary group and trained to be one of their operatives from a young age. He’d eventually been able to get his freedom somehow but had no choice to keep working as a mercenary. Currently, he worked for the King of Opal in some capacity. Azreal danced around her questions about his work, so while she didn’t know specifics, she did know that he had to wait for mission instructions before he did anything. The one thing he had told her that he was actively involved in the war going on with Tempest and that he’d been returning from a reconnaissance mission in Ibis when they’d first met. He’d warned her that he was awaiting further instructions and could be called away suddenly any day, clearly only sharing the bare minimum of information so that she was prepared for when he had to leave. Despite how little he'd said, even if he hadn't confirmed it outright yet, Mari was sure that he’d been abused growing up.

Azreal had made offhand comments about the sort of vile, unhealthy behavior he grew up around. Drinking and violence and that sort of thing. And he had been sold like an animal to a group of people who killed for a living and who were considered the pariahs of the military world; there was no world in which a child being shoved into such a situation would end well. 

She'd made fun of Azreal's social anxiety and fear of people, but she had begun to realize that it was more extreme than just being bad with people. He'd spent long periods locked in his house to avoid people when he first moved to the town because he had been so scared. He had constant, irrational fears about hurting people, whether mentally or physically, and was seemingly incapable of accepting any sort of praise or compliments. Instead, he constantly was terrified that he was some sort of demon and doubted every action he took. Nanny had also recently warned her that Azreal had had severe social paranoia and panic attacks when she'd first moved in with him and to be patient with him if he held her at an arms length. for a while.

‘It could all be down to, you know...him killing people for a living while being a devout believer.’ Mari admitted to herself as she picked up a carved stone and set it back down after realizing it was shoddy . ‘That moral and cognitive dissonance can’t be good for one’s sanity, but it feels like there’s more to his issues than just that. That is part of why Az is the way he is but...it’s not the only reason.’

She recalled the scars on his head and upper arms. Azreal tried to keep them covered with his hair and sleeves, but she could tell that they weren't like his other scars. They seemed less combat scars and more like he'd been beaten or burned with something and, from the healing patterns, they were the oldest of his scars. They looked so painful...

 Mari shook her head. She knew that part of her certainty was due to her having extra sensory abilities and instincts, so she hoped that she was just reading too far into things, but you didn't need to be a supernatural being to instantly know that something was off with Azreal's behavior. She hoped she could figure out how to properly interact with him on his terms. Things had been getting better but he was still so emotionally closed off.

‘ Maybe I'm too hard on him for not wanting to go out more. He probably has a reason to be so nervous. And maybe...maybe he just doesn’t know how to let himself be happy because he was never allowed any sort of joy for most of his life.’ She reflected. ‘I know I’m stubborn and intense but...I need to remember all this stuff when I think he’s being annoying and I need to be more patient. He said he’s trying to understand me because me being from a different species makes me act and think differently. It’s the same for me. But it’s not just him being a human. He acts differently because he's experienced abnormal things. I can’t judge him through the lenses of the humans I’ve met before or expect that it will be okay to act like I've always have.'

“Hey, Mari, was there anything here you wanted?” She jolted in surprise, flailing her arms. Azreal jumped in return. “Sorry!” He was clutching a brown sack in his arm.

Mari shook her head. “I was just lost in my thoughts. Forgot we were shopping. No, there’s nothing I want.” She saw the corner of a book peeking out of the bag. “Hmm? What’s that?” She reached into the bag and yanked it out.

“Hey! Thats-!” Azreal protested.

Mari studied the book. It had a fancy purple and gold cover. “A book of fairy tales? Oh, Sori. Of course.” Azreal’s face lit up red as he snatched the book back.

“It-it’s not for him... I wanna read it, okay?” He looked away in embarrassment.

“You?” Mari raised an eyebrow. “Okay, that’s weird.”

“Hey! I just...I like to read, alright? You wouldn’t know, though, because you're always out of the house with Sori. Reading helps me get out of my head and think about more pleasant things. The owner was selling some of his grandchildren’s old stuff and there’s just something about the morality and good endings of old stories that resonates with me so I had to get it.”

Mari grinned widely. “There’s nothing wrong with that! I shouldn’t be surprised that you like to read. How do I put this...you’re a very thinky person. Kind of like how some people have active imaginations, only...not fictional?” she sighed in frustration, unable to find the words to explain how she saw him. "You're a deep and introspective thinker, is what I'm getting at."

Azreal looked stunned by the compliment. “I don’t feel all that smart though. I didn’t even learn to read until I taught myself as a teenager." He smiled warmly. "Thanks.” Quickly, he snatched the book back from Mari. “But, uh, can we still just keep this between us?”

“If you let me read it when you’re done.”

Azreal nodded. “Deal. I'll go find Sori and then we can move on.”

‘There's three more clues.’ Mari concluded as she waited by the front door. ‘He reads to escape his thoughts. He likes stories with straightforward morals and happy endings. He also never received any sort of formal education and had to teach himself.’ Mari filed the information away as she watched Azreal have to literally pull his brother away from some sort of black egg in a glass case. ‘There’s dark things that in his past that he doesn’t want to bring up. I’m sure of it. I want to know. I need to know. I don’t want to be pushy or rude, but I want to help him. He has things bottled up inside him that are still eating away at him and making him miserable, even if he’s in denial about it and trying to pretend they don’t exist.’

“Mari! You’re Sori’s favorite sibling now!” Azreal called from across the room, attempting to drag Sori, who had dug his heals into the floor and turned into dead weight. “He’ll actually listen to you! Please! Help me explain to the squirt why we can’t just buy some legendary reptilian egg of unknown species and origin and attempt to hatch it in our house!”

“Come on! Mari can protect us with her magic powers! And it’s not that expensive! What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like there aren’t already lots of unusual creatures around here! Pleeaasseee!”

“No! No! No! Mariiii!” Azreal wailed desperately as his brother latched onto his leg.

Mari snickered. “I’m coming!”

'He’s an odd one, like me. And a kind person. I’m happy when I’m with him and he makes me feel safe. I want him to trust me and tell me about his past because I want him to be able to feel the same way. I don’t want him to feel like he has to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and hide his pain from everyone.'