Devotion

‘I don’t want to do anything. I just wish I could disappear. Why...why...?’ Azreal stared off into the horizon. He felt sick and anxious. He hadn’t felt right since he’d been visited by Scath. Nanny had come back yesterday. Tomorrow was his last day at home. He’d have to leave early the following morning to meet the others. He was dreading it. He wanted to avoid it, but he knew he couldn’t, so he’d mentally shut down to at least avoid the reality

“Hey, Az? Are you sure you don’t want to play with us?” Mari leaned over the wall of the outdoor kitchen, startling him. Her big green eyes were full of concern. “You’re spacing out again. You really don’t look okay.”

Azreal shook his head. ‘She’s too smart.’ Even since he’d found out he’d be leaving for another job, he’d barely been able to function and acted like an emotionless puppet. Mari had instantly known something had changed. She’d been concerned and trying to get him to talk to her. Not in a pushy way, though. She was genuinely worried by the way he was acting. But he’d denied anything was wrong and she didn’t pry excessively but...

‘I’m going to have to tell her soon. That’s what I’m really dreading right now.’ Yes, going out to fight and take lives was unpleasant, but he viscerally desired to avoid telling Mari about it. ‘She thinks I’m a kind person. She believes in me...I’m terrified to shatter that illusion. She’s going to realize I’m not as good a man as she thinks I am. I don’t want to disappoint her or hurt her. If she ever started to look at me in disgust or fear...’ Something poked his arm and he snapped out of it. Mari had used a twig to jab him from the other side of the fence.

“Az. You’re scaring me.” Mari said softly. “You haven’t been yourself for the last three days. Ever since that man came to talk to you...”

Azreal forced himself to smile. “I’m okay, really. Just got some stuff to sort out. I promise, there’s nothing for you to worry about. The kids are going to be annoyed.”

Mari silently turned and walked back to where Sori and his friends were kicking a ball around. She paused halfway and looked back at him with a look of concern and a bit of hurt before rejoining the game.

‘I’m a coward. I don’t know what would be worse, her worrying about me or her being disappointed in me.’ Azreal sat on the swing fixed to the front of the house and continued to disassociate as the sun began setting.

Nanny quietly slipped onto the swing next to him. The two sat in silence for a few moments. “You have to leave soon.” Nanny stated. It wasn’t a question.

Azreal nodded. “They found a small hidden settlement past Ibis. An enemy scouting base. They’re surveilling Opal and slowly edging their way towards us. We’re going to take them out and see what intelligence they’ve gathered. Try to figure out what Tempests’ plan is. The enemy forces are trying to move towards the capital, but they’re being extremely slow and cautious for some reason and we don’t even know why they decided to invade. If we can find any clues at all about what Tempest is doing... and we need to slow them down as much as possible. They can’t be allowed to get anywhere close to the capital.” Azreal bluntly laid everything out. His grandmother was used to this, and he couldn’t hide anything from her. The perceptive old woman had a sixth sense that was almost as sharp as Mari’s.

“When?”

“Morning after the next. In the dark. It’s a group mission so we’re going to have to meet up and sneak off because we don't know if or where else they could have spies. I’m the liaison to the king and the one who reports for us but of course no one bothered giving me all the information we currently have. You know how they are with me.”

Nanny nodded and folded her hands in her lap. “You’re scared to tell Mari. You didn’t realize that you’d have to leave so soon after meeting her and you’re worried that she wasn’t serious when she said she loved you, even though she knew that you were a mercenary from the start.”

Azreal cringed. “You scare me sometimes, Nanny. You’re right, though. I’ve known for three days. I haven’t told her, but she knows something is up. Scath coming to pass along the message ruined our whole weekend with Sori, and I could tell that man’s presence made her feel uncomfortable because of her ability to perceive the natures of humans. I’m scared to tell her, and I don’t know what the best way to break the news is. You and Sori are used to me being gone, but she’s only ever known things with me being here to keep her company. I’m the reason she even came here in the first place!”

Nanny leaned back in her seat and smiled serenely. “Don’t worry about Mari while you’re gone. I think I’ll take her and Sori to Andressa.”

“The seaside resort in the West?” Azreal asked in surprise. He hadn’t expected Nanny to suggest going on a trip.

“Yes. I didn’t tell you but, when I was visiting my friend, she gave me three passes for one of the spa baths there. Mari and Sori will love it! I’ll make sure she has so much fun that she doesn’t have time to worry about you! I trust you and know you’ll come back safe like always, but it’ll take her time to adjust to our way of life. Your job isn’t exactly typical.”

“Yeah, nothing about us is typical at all.” Azreal mused, looking up at the darkening sky. ‘A mercenary, an elderly former slave, an orphaned child, and a unicorn. We’re probably one of the strangest families in existence.’ He turned and looked directly at his grandmother for the first time since she had sat down.

“Thank you so much Nanny. For everything. You’re too good to me. I think that’s a great idea. I have no clue if Mari has ever been to the sea, but I’m sure she’s never experienced the mineral springs or steam baths. She’ll love it. It feels like at least part of the weights off my shoulders now.”

Nanny smiled at him lovingly and squeezed his hand tightly. “I’m really looking forward to it, too! I’ll get to pull out some of my special summer dresses and hats for Mari! We’ll have lots of fun! Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything for the trip. You just focus on telling her about your departure.”

Azreal looked away. “That’s the hardest part.” He whispered.

“Azreal.” Nanny grasped his hand in both of hers. “You are no different from a normal solider and Mari loves you from the bottom of her heart. She’s not going to think any less of you for doing your job, and you know it. There’s not a single reason to fear telling her. Trust me, this isn’t going to change how she views you or make her love you any less. You are mentally and emotionally stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you can do this.”

Azreal closed his eyes. He wanted to believe his grandmother, he really did, but he couldn’t help the fear and uncertainty that gnawed at his heart. ‘I’m a nervous and anxious person by nature, but I’ve never felt like this before.’ He reflected. ‘Ever since Mari came into my life, I’ve felt a lot of feelings I’ve never felt and have no idea what to do with. I don’t know why, but I feel like I could lose something precious right now.’

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Mari shot up in bed. She had no idea what had woken her, but something felt off. Nanny had fallen asleep in her chair. She’d pulled out a bunch of dresses to alter and had still been sewing when Mari had dozed off. ‘Is it just Nanny not being in bed with me like normal? No, something’s missing.’ She glanced around. The candle had burned down, but there was no danger of fire. Orange cat was sleeping on the Nanny's shoulders. Sori was sprawled out in the middle of the sleeping mat like a monkey...’That’s it! Az isn’t here! ’ Mari tossed the covers off and quietly padded across the floor, not wanting to disturb the others.

‘He was here earlier. I remember Nanny was asking Azreal if it would bother him if the candle was still burning right before I passed out.’ She managed to make it outside and took an agonizingly long time in closing the front door silently. She stared up at the round, luminescent moon. ‘Where would he be? I know he likes to disappear into the forest when he wants to be alone, but at this time of night, would he really?’ Mari quieted her mind and closed her eyes, trying to pick up his trail. ‘...There!’

Azreal’s path led her around the back of the house, small farm building, and Nanny’s garden and right to the edge of the forest. Without hesitation, she took off into the woods in pursuit of his trail. ‘I’m not worried. I can take care of myself, and the moon is so bright that there’s no risk of tripping.’

‘That’s strange, though’ She reflected as she traveled deeper into the forrest. ‘His scent trail is embedded in this path, so he’s had to have walked it thousands of times, but why in the world would he be coming out to the middle of nowhere?’

Mari moved swiftly under the moonlight, her soft, barefooted tread soundless on the ground. With her speed, it took no time at all for her to reach her destination.

‘A church? This place hasn’t been in use for decades!' Mari surveyed the ominous, decaying structure that loomed before her. The glow of the moonlight gave it both an eerie sheen and a sense of majesty; surely only a fraction of how glorious the church had been before being left to rot. ‘I didn’t know this place existed, but it doesn’t surprise me that Azreal would come here.’ Mari made her way inside, careful to avoid stepping on the rotten boards. ‘Don’t need to fall through the floor. That wouldn’t be fun.’

The passageway quickly opened into a large sanctuary area. The place was still pretty, but it had clearly never been intended to be a grand cathedral. The high windows were broken, but it was obvious that only the large one behind the alter had ever held stained glass. Much of the rainbow kaleidoscope of glass remained, but it was impossible to tell what Biblical events they had featured because they were so fragmented. The dust-coated alter and sculptures of religious figures and had been made from simple, inexpensive stone. The pews were better off than the floor, but the wood was nothing fancy and time had done its work. ‘There doesn’t seem to be much damage to the roof. The elements getting in was the fault of the windows and doors being ruined. It's a bit trashy looking, but still incredibly peaceful here.'

As she looked up, she froze. Azreal was kneeling on the floor at the front of the church, deep in prayer. Mari couldn’t help her curiosity and tip-toed to stand closer. ‘I know this is eavesdropping but...it’s not like I came here with the intent to spy on him!’

“I know I’m not a good person and it’s probably bad to ask for help with that. I mean, it’s not only selfish but you created and cherish all lives. I don’t think you’re exactly happy with what I do. But I can’t survive without you. I need strength. You’re the only real strength I have. I’m...just a scared and confused child. Really, that’s about what I actually am. I’m weak. I doubt myself. I doubt that you care about me or hear me, even though I want to believe that you do. I second guess everyone and everything. That’s why I need your strength. I need to be physically strong to do this, but I’m not worried about that. I was trained to fight so...what I’m really scared about is the strength of my mind and heart. Please, Lord, I need you to be with me and hold me together during the mission. I need to do my best for the sake of those that I’m protecting. Even if I don’t know who they are...so many innocents will be at risk if we don’t stop Tempest. We, no, I...can’t afford to fail. And you know how hard it is for me to be around the others. It’s like being pulled into one of my nightmares. The fear and oppression and desire to just escape is always physically palpable...but I don’t have a choice. It is what it is and it’s not something I can do anything about. But I’m so scared of being corrupted or driven crazy by those guys. I just want to live in peace. Just do my job and come back home. I don’t have anything against them, at least I hope not but...they just always have to pick at me and harass me! They can’t just shut up and pretend I don’t exist! They have to pick and pick and pick...” Azreal let out an audible groan and his body hunched down even more.

“Sorry, God... I know the stress and anger just eats me up inside and poisons me. Forgive me for that but...I don’t know what else to do! These feelings, this hurt and desire for people to see how much they are tormenting me and just leave me be for once...no matter how much I think I’ve worked through it or gotten over it, it just always comes back. I wonder if I’m remembering things wrong and overreacting. Am I just playing the victim again? If I really was the one being wronged, wouldn’t things have worked out by now? Why is the pain and the memories just dragging on? All I can do is just beg you to forgive me and have mercy on me and help me because I just don’t know what to do. It's too much and too big for me to sort out on my own. I have no clue what other people are actually thinking and intending and...I’m sure I’m really more selfish deep down than I want to admit.”

“And...I really don’t want to offend or harm anyone. I don’t want anyone to be mad because of me. I just...I just want to be with my family. I want to keep helping people around the village with odd jobs and play with my little brother and talk about the world with Mari and eat my grandmother’s food...I don’t think I’m asking for too much? Am I? I’m sorry, all I can really do right now is word vomit. I have so many feelings and things I want and need and I just want to scream them out, but I can’t put them into words! The feeling burns in my mind but, no matter how many times I talk in circles or try to explain it, I can’t even get close and it makes me frustrated. I know you listen either way but...I can’t help but wonder if I’d feel better if I could understand and name the thoughts and feelings nagging at me?”

Azreal kept praying like that and Mari couldn’t help but stare in wonder. It was a whole different side to him than anything he’d shown to her. She knew he had deep thoughts, struggled to put them into words, and had strong morals, but it was different hearing him share them like this. Sure, Azreal was usually awkward when talking, but this was something else. His words weren’t so serious and collected; he was more simple-minded and straightforward. And his facial expression was something unusual, too. There was stress and pain in it, yes, but also a certain sense of peace and relief. ‘...He looks like a child’ Mari realized. ‘Totally honest and transparent. This is probably the truest version of himself, what he’s like when he doesn’t feel like he must pretend he’s okay.’

She thought Azreal looked even more attractive than usual like this but, simple as they were, it was really his words that moved her. ‘If these are his innermost thoughts and feelings, if this is how he really is with God and himself...then it’s not surprising that he could see me. This devotion, his feelings...they’re deep and raw and honest. If this is the sort of things that float around in his mind on the average day, he really is devout and a good-natured person.’ But at the same time, Mari could feel the pain, hurt, and despair that hung around Azreal like a cloud.

‘Azreal’s the kind of person who reveres God so deeply that he just genuinely doesn’t want to sin against him or harm anyone; that’s his life’s motivation. His faith is that genuine and simple, but he doubts it’s sincerity and worries he’s just trying to get the outcome he wants and secretly doesn’t care about God or anything bigger than himself. He undoubtedly knows God is there and guiding him, but at the same time...he can’t trust God, or his judgement, or his belief that he’s seeing or hearing God acting in his life for real. Az believes. He believes wholeheartedly it’s just...he struggles to trust anyone, but especially God and himself. No, it’s more that he doesn't trust himself and projects that onto God. He believes God can save him from his sins and he wants that, but he also can’t shake the fear that he’s the one single exception.’

This realization hit Mari with the force of a hammer. For the first time, she felt like she could understand Azreal. ‘He truly hates himself more than anything else and can’t accept himself.’ That foundational understanding was what she needed to put the pieces together. ‘And that bleeds over into every area of his life. His faith, his social life or lack thereof...his hate for himself is at the core of everything. And the root of that mindset...it has to be his past. The trauma he experienced, whatever it was, conditioned him to hate and fear himself to the extent that he distrusts his own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of reality even now.’

While Mari did feel bad about accidentally intruding into Azreal’s private prayer time, she didn’t regret it. While she may never understand everything about Azreal, this observation session made everything fall into place. He was still traumatized by his past and suffering the mental and emotional effects of it. Add that to him being an active mercenary who hated killing and disliked violence, and it was a recipe for someone to think and act in ways that seemed insane to others, particularly an outsider from another race like her.

It had felt like she had been trying to strain against an invisible wall while trying to connect with Azreal, but now the sense of emotional friction she felt had evaporated. ‘I guess I was right about not being able to treat Az the same way I did the other human’s I’ve met.’ She thought wistfully. ‘I was way more accurate than I ever could have imagined.’

Suddenly, as she unconsciously shifted her weight ever so slightly, the old floor creaked with the force of a lion’s roar. Startled, Azreal jumped up and his wide eyes locked on Mari. Panicked, she held her hands up in a gesture of peace.

“Hi...sorry...?” She awkwardly tried to apologize, realizing she was busted.