Uniquely Similar

I had another therapy appointment a few days after the peer outing. It was in the evening, which was infrequent for me. The waiting room window was sun-kissed by the settling light. I was finally called up.

We greeted each other and sat in our respective seats. Once he readied his materials, he initiated the conversation.

"As routine, Chamaru-kun, before we start talking about the main topic, I must ask you a series of questions regarding your antidepressant pills."

"Right," I said.

"Do you feel that the pills have been doing a moderate job at increasing your neurotransmitters such as serotonin?"

My usual answer was no, but as I thought about my recent mood, I guess one could say my thoughts have been rather tame. Whether the pills were the reason for that was another question because it seemed like a third party was responsible.
"Sure," I said, simply to advance to the next question.

He tapped away on his tablet, pushing the bridge of his glasses.
"Do you feel any negative effects from the pills?… Have you been experiencing an uptick in depressive thoughts since our last session?… Do you wish to keep taking them?..."

My answers to all of his questions were "No."

"How do you really feel, Chamaru-kun?"

I took a brief pause, "I don't know if it's the pills' work, but I have felt better recently."

"Like during the peer outing? Do you still feel the same percentage of bitterness towards them?"

There was another silent pause. I couldn't look at him directly and deflecting my eyes all over the room failed to clarify my answer. I once thought peer outings were a waste of my time with zero benefit, but had I benefited from something?
"I don't know."

He straightened his back and leaned back.
"Tell me, did you see with your other senses on the day of your recent outing?"

"Actually, sensei, I did. I used your advice a few times durin' the outing to get closer to Ringomori-san. Wh-While we were eatin' lunch, I-I held her hand."

"Do you know why you initiated that action?"

"I-I think so."
I fixated on his suede shoes because I felt too flustered to look him in the eyes while opening my emotions. At a time where seeing failed, I used touch to see something else.
"I wanted to see her warmth. To see how much she trusted me and felt comfortable around me. She was really warm and her hand was soft… I never felt comfort like that after the accident."

"Any other senses put to use?"

My eyes wandered higher towards his armrests. I could nearly see a reflection through the polished mahogany embedded in leather.
"She talked more about herself, and from what I heard, it seems like our experiences are more alike. Sorry to say, Shizuko-sensei, but she truly understands how I feel. I think we've passed the awkward point when meetin' each other."

"Maybe I'll get her to do this job for me," he said. "Moving on, was there anything you tasted or smelled that day that stuck out to you?"

I found myself making eye contact with him. The left side of him highlighted golden from the window.
"I had a memory of my life before the accident."

His ears perked, then he leaned a bit forward with widening eyes. Knowing I had his attention prompted me to tell him more, hoping he would have an explanation.

I continued, "It started with an orange chicken place at the mall—"
I was interrupted by the office's door quickly peering open, our heads turned like owls to see who was entering.

"Daddy," said a small girl peeked from behind the door, "when's Yasumi-chan coming over?"

Doctor Shizuko's intrigued expression for my story was replaced with chagrined as he met eyes with the girl. His voice, while still deep and pacific, shifted to a gentler dulcet.
"Sweetie, you must ask for a pardon if you're going to enter my room. You know not to interrupt my sessions."
He turned towards me and apologized in her stead, then returned to her and said, "About your question, she already showed up while you were with mom."

The little girl pursed her lips together and pouted audibly with a groan. Her visible irritation was short lived as she leaned a bit forward to see who was her dad's patient this time.

"Ah, Matcha-chan!"
She hysterically waved at me and her pout brightened like the setting sun.

I returned the gesture, with a tamer wave, and softened the tone in my voice.
"Hey there, Etsuko."
We exchanged smiles, and she revealed a missing canine in her upper row of teeth, though that didn't make her smile any less gleaming.

Etsuko was the nine-year-old daughter of Doctor Shizuko and his wife. We got to know each other due to her knack of entering the office while I was present, at some point I adopted the nickname "Matcha-chan" because of my name. It appeared that she also became close to a "Yasumi-chan" too. She was a gregarious and bright little girl, both in intellect and personality, and seemed like the ideal little sister. She had straight brunette hair just like her parents, her length specifically reaching to her waist.

Instead of leaving the room, she entered and closed the door behind her. She decided to take a seat at her dad's desk and stay quiet as she spun in circles. With that, I continued the conversation and described my memory that was triggered when I tasted and smelled my food.

"That memory has never come to me before, and I never knew that I loved orange chicken or ever been to that place before. Since then, I've been gettin' more memories of other times I ate there with both parents. I went there a lot."

My therapist took his time to digest the contents of my story and come to a conclusion. If anything, I was more perplexed by it.

"You must've experienced an effect of involuntary memory. It's a phenomenon triggered by smell, taste, and even sound. It's called the Proust effect, named after Marcel Proust. In his novel, he coined and experimented with involuntary memory via sensory déjà vu."

My head tilted like a dog. He pulled up a few websites on his tablet and handed it to me to browse.

He continued, "Plenty of childhood memories flood his protagonist's mind with just a simple scent or taste of his favorite dessert and tea."

"Daddy," called Etsuko from the desk.
Her interest must have been piqued too.
"Will I experience this Pwoust effect when I get older?"

He turned his head and responded, "You might, sweetie. It mostly occurs when someone experiences something for the first time in a long while, like Chamaru-kun and the orange chicken."

"Well, sensei, I've had orange chicken after the accident, just not at that food place."

He hypothesized, "Then perhaps those lamented memories come back after one of the senses triggers it from a specific source, since you internally have a deeper, more emotional connection to it."

It took me a while to understand. My hands felt like they were on multiple steering wheels with my two lives connecting. A part of me wanted to be happy about my old life potentially coming back to me, even in small bits, but a majority of me was clouded by the question of what that meant for my new life.

"Anyways, Chamaru-kun, keep that stuff in mind alongside my sensory advice. Exploring your surroundings more may trigger more of your memories coming back."

An itching question I had in every session finally found its way to my mouth.
"Shizuko-sensei, is the purpose of our therapy sessions to get me to remember my old life? If so, why are you tryin'?"

"Sounds like a question you should ask yourself," he said.
He took a deep breath as he repositioned himself in his chair, his posture becoming more serious. Etsuko was more or less not paying attention, which meant only my ears would hear his words.
"You were diagnosed by me after a year of being an orphan. From that moment, I believed if you remembered what your life was like in the past, maybe those memories will combat your depression better than any pill."

I offered a counterpoint.
"Can't it also make it worse? My life before might be better than it is now, and if I know that for certain, then it'll sink in that I'll never get a life like that ever again and hate those memories."

"Yes, I'm afraid that's possible...but something tells me that you would very much appreciate the life you had before, not resent it."
He displayed a smile of encouragement. The confidence led me to ask why he was certain of that.
All he said was, "Positive emotions tied to the past will always be greater than negative emotions tied to the present."

That sentence rang in my head until the session ended. I thanked Doctor Shizuko and walked out of his room. Etsuko followed me.

"I hope you can remember your whole life, Matcha-chan."

"You hope? Why?"

"There are probably some people you loved before that you aren't loving now, whether they're gone or not. If you start loving people now, why not increase that number with people from before?"

"You think so?"

She exaggeratedly nodded her head.
"Also, it seems like it's bugging you that you don't know. And as long as you don't, you won't move forward from it."

We reached the door of her house.

"Y'know, you're quite the erudite fourth grader."
I opened the door and stepped out, turning around to face her.

"What's that mean?" she said.

"Nevermind."

She giggled, clasping her hands behind her back and smiled once again.
"My parents are psychos that make a living off helping people with problems. I've picked up a thing or two."

A chuckle slipped my closed smile. I patted her on the head, disheveling her hair a small bit.
"Thanks for that, see you later."

"Goodbye! Oh, and play with me and Yasumi-chan soon!"

Perplexity displayed on my face, I decided questioning any further would only deepen my confusion and decided to play along. I gave her an unconfident "Okay…?" in return.

There was a lot to decipher about that session as I made my way back to the orphanage. I found myself turning at the wrong street, again. If it wasn't already late, I might have continued down the road to see what was there, but maybe I could another time.

The rest of my summer break passed in the blink of an eye. My second peer outing of the month was simply school shopping, and the therapy session that followed was only trivial. The second term of my third year of high school had begun shortly after in early September.

The autumn and winter seasons that accompanied the semester were always a double-edged sword for me. I loved the colder weather because I'd be able to wear sweaters and hoodies and feel cozy, but I also hated it because there was a near-zero possibility that I wouldn't see the sun until March. My gray world was more active at this time of year. Plus, this term for seniors was packed with studies for universities. The only things to look forward to were the Sports festival, in which I'd do nothing, and the school trip, in which I'd have to interact with other people.

I hoped this would be another lackadaisical semester as I was close to the finish line. New interactions, new experiences, new discoveries, I wanted none of that. I wanted a lava river without jetties.

It was two weeks into school and I still had no friends. There was no Buddha in hell here, hopefully she was having a better semester. I simply didn't bother trying to find friends because I felt like I'd only dampen moods with my uninteresting personality. I wasn't exactly bullied or outcasted due to my lack of family, but there were periods of my life where I was the epicenter of tactless curiosity and countless ridicule.

There were a few orphans from my old and current orphanage that also attended the school, but unlike me, they socialized with others. People tried approaching me, but our interactions started and ended upon greeting without further development. I continued my streak of playing games and drawing in my notebook. In my classroom, I wasn't alone, but I was lonely.

My seat in class was in the center column of the furthest row, behind a taller and more muscular student. He blocked most of my view of the teacher and the holographic board, but that was a good thing because it meant my laziness was undetected.

For the first three periods, I did just that, not caring for what was being taught; I had a lot of free time to catch up on assignments. I instead focused on adding and refining details of my recent drawings that were inspired by the outings, realizing I often thought back to these moments.

When lunch came, I wanted some fresh air and chose to eat at the school's courtyard. On a bench overseeing the large field, I saw students playing soccer and sitting in groups picking flowers. I'd often eat while listening to music or going nose-deep in my rhythm game in an attempt to tier.

Today, I was nearing the end of a song when an unexpected student sat on the same bench as me. I didn't look at them but gave some space by scooting to the end. My bento box was on my lap, so I tried to make sure it didn't fall while shifting my weight. I finished the song with a Great Full Combo and broke into the top 100 of the current event.

I wonder what rank Ringomori-san's at right now. This is her first time tierin' up, so top 5000 would be impressive.

When I put down my phone, I noticed an absence of weight on my lap and looked down to see my bento box spilled onto the bench—between me and the other student.

"S-Sorry about that."
I cleaned up my mess consisting of a few grains of rice and dirty napkins. I thought I'd get a lecture for spilling my lunch, but the student seemed to be minding his own business until I finished cleaning up. Only then did they decide to speak for the first time.

"I'm surprised your lunch doesn't have a pie in it."

My ear twitched.
That voice… It's awfully familiar?
I darted my eyes to the student and saw a boy in my school uniform with beautifully combed hair and glasses.
My head tilted and I asked, "Wh-Who are you?"

He giggled, "I thought my voice'd be enough. Maybe Superman is accurate about glasses, they make a great disguise."
He took off his glasses and pocketed them then looked at me, my eyes widened with recognition.

The cashier from CLARIS? What's his name again? I think it was…
"Ha-Hara-san?" I said with bewilderment apparent on my face. "Wh-What are you doin' at this school? I thought you were a university student?"

He softly snorted with laughter, "I'll take that as a compliment, but I'm no university student. I'm actually your kouhai from class 2-B, Vieira-senpai."

His voice was deep, yet soft, though that just made me focus on his words more attentively. My eyes flickered with even more confusion at my underclassman's physic. His tone was gentle but he was surely strong—I was ultimately inferior.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small packet.
"Want pop rocks? My mom always packs me two, so I always have one t'spare."

"N-No thank you," I declined.
I stared at the boy who appeared at the latest jetty. I wondered if my stay here would be a long one.
"Can I ask how you knew who I-I was?"

"Well, I've known about you since my first year. There were many rumors that a senpai was an orphan and I was intrigued. I was quite shocked t'find out it was you, the same guy who often visits my pie shop."

I remained silent but allowed my confusion to stay visible.

He continued, "My family used t'live in Tokyo, but then my pa and ma divorced and he later died of an illness. It was hard for her to take care of two kids on her own, so she thought about move'n, but my little sis had so many friends she didn't wanna leave, so we didn't. A few years ago, she died in an accident."

Hara kept an unwavering face whilst mine was incredulous, and he was steady in speech as he told me about his disheartening experience. His openness before even revealing his first name was almost refreshing.

"Y-You're not an orphan, right?"

"No, thankfully—no offense. After add'n my sis to the altar, my ma and me moved here t'live with my uncle and take part in the family business. I know I still have 'em, but to some extent, I could relate to you about lose'n family. I guess I wanted t'see how you were cope'n with it. Pop rocks?"

I declined his offer again.
"Well, I-I would offer you my deepest sympathies, but I know that's not what you want. As for the copin' thing, it's complicated. I-I'm sorry, Hara-san."

"That's cool, no worries. Also, since I'm your kouhai, you can call me by my first name if you like. It's Akio."

"N-Noted, Hara-san. I-I did want to also ask why you decided to approach me now, instead of any time before? Was it because you now know my go-to order?"

He relaxed himself on the bench, hands clasped behind his head.
"Well, always see'n you at CLARIS was a catalyst, but there's no real reason for why now. I got curious and wanted t'chat with you. It's not often that a reoccur'n customer at my job is a senpai with a sweet tooth and also has dead family."

I didn't really understand him, but I accepted that as a valid response.
"I-I should warn you now, Hara-san, I'm quite awkward a-and not a good role model senpai."

"I don't care, I just wanna make a new friend."

I turned my head sharply.
"A-Are we friends?"

"I know your go-to order, that's gotta count for something, yeah? Do you have other friends?"

"Not at school."

"Really? No friends, but you have a girlfriend?"

My throat choked up and a strained cough was produced. Covering my mouth, I felt my eyebrows raise along with the heat on my cheeks.
Once my throat was cleared, I said, "Sh-She's not my girlfriend."

My sudden panic brought another giggle.
He said, "But you knew who I was talk'n about? I for sure thought y'all were date'n. I also thought you'd be with her now."

"Sh-She's a third-year at an all-girls high school, and I-I assure you we're only friends."

"Eh, I see. At least you're not lonely all the time. What's she like? Both of you seem like those shut-in types."

"Y-You wouldn't be wrong. We met because we have the same birthday, but the way we found that out was because we're similar in other things too. Unfortunate things."

"Eh, wait, is she an orphan too?"

My lack of response was enough to answer his question.

He said, "It's not often that TWO reoccur'n customers at my job are senpai with a sweet tooth and dead family."

I looked at the silver sky and thought about his analysis.
"When you put it like that, i-it does seem quite odd, b-but in a good way."

"Similar, huh?"
Hara outstretched his arms in front and crossed one leg over the other.
"Say, do you believe opposites attract?"

"Scientifically, yes. Like magnets."

"No… Lemme reiterate."
He slightly dipped his left shoulder my way.
"Do you believe opposites attract romantically? Like date'n."

My head dropped to a patch of lawn underneath my feet.
"W-Well, that's how most love stories go, right?"

His head also tilted backwards.
"So, there's no way you can find yourself attracted to that girl? Since she's so similar to you."

"C-Curious to know?" I asked, mainly to buy myself time.

"You don't have t'answer. Lemme know if I'm overstep'n."

My gaze slowly focused on the field of other students. My only experience with romance was through D4Dream, and there wasn't a lot. Still, that, plus my own recent experience, was enough to create an answer.
"I-I think opposite attraction requires one outgoing person, someone willin' to explore the unique corners of the world. B-But, when two people meet and neither are like that, then I-I think a-alikes can also attract."

"So, you are attracted to her?" he asked again.

Fumbling more of my words, I said, "I-I'm not sure if it's 'attraction' but maybe there's some feeling that's only there when she's around."

My mind had too many words it wanted me to say, and my hysteria wasn't helping either of us understand what I wanted to clarify. In order to make her appear like a good person to my new underclassman, I reorganized and recomposed myself.

Using my hands to gesture, I said, "When you're surrounded by so many opposites, they all start to look alike and blend together into a big, gray blob. At that point, the only person you're similar to becomes the opposite of that blob and stands out the most. So, in a sense, it's both an attraction to the opposite and similar qualities of a single person, but I don't think that attraction is romance-related."

"You ever think about her?"

I shifted my eyes to him.
"Hmm?"

"Whenever you're bored as hell, do you ever think about the times y'all've hung out, like at CLARIS or just out and about?"

I thought about it. In hindsight, there were more than enough times just today where I thought about the canoe, and the drawings I worked on often had her as the most detailed part of them. My thoughts were once occupied by just me, but maybe it wasn't as lonely as before. Hara never said her name, but of the few girls and women I knew from the orphanage and school, only one "her" was someone I truly knew. I filled in every "her" with Ringomori.

I said, "I do think of her often, we're uniquely similar."

Hara looked at me with bending eyebrows.
"I kinda understand, but not really."

"That's fine, she'd understand. She's my Buddha in hell after all."

The bell that concluded lunch rang. The students on the field returned to their schoolbags on the floor and cleared out. I packed away my bento box and Hara patted me on the back as he stood up.

"I saw you a lot in the first semester, always look'n pale and out of touch with reality—which was understandable. I won't lie though, I thought you'd end yourself at some point. Thought you were gonna be the same this semester, but there's a bit of color to you now and I can see why. Though, it seems like there's a few more things that need sniff'n out. See you 'round, Vieira-senpai."

"See you around," I said. "Oh, and you don't have to use those honorifics with me, I don't really care for them like that."

"Roger that."
He grinned softly and gave a playful salute.

He waved as he left and I slowly stood and gestured the same. His pronunciation of my name wasn't as flawless as Ringomori's, but I was certain that with practice, he would get it down. I headed for my classroom in the other direction, wondering if my solitary school life was awry.

I thought, Is he a friend now? Do I need to talk to him more to not make him hate me? A super cool boy from Tokyo, we're too unalike— I stopped.
There was an unfortunate circumstance that did make him somewhat similar. I may not be the first one he told, but I might be the only one to understand.

He just had to be from CLARIS too, huh?