"Winter has Arrived"

"Raiders of the Pacific"

As time passes forward, I have this gut feeling that we lose a little bit of who we are. Our childhood shell strips away and we can never recover it. In this case, the past two months or so have been quite mundane. My relationship with Lynn has been rather stagnant and the magic that has presented itself in the beginning never fully expanded to its fullest potential. Jennifer's words were an opening door for me, but I fail to step in. I am too nervous to look Lynn in the eyes anymore, and although I have attempted to make conversation on occasion, my paranoia prevents me from having the same intimacy I have experienced initially.

Nothing truly changes.

Traversing the depressing hallways is comfortable in its own peculiar way, despite the obvious setback in terms of digestible scenery. I make my way on this chilly November day toward my next classroom which so happened to be my English class. Then I had a concerned Lynn immediately approach me as I turned my second to last corner.

"Johnny, I want to tell you something." She says to me urgently, and for some odd reason I feel a stop to my pulse.

"What is it?" I stop in my tracks and speak with nervousness. 

"I know we haven't really been talking much the past month or so, and I am sorry that I never initiated anything with you. However, for a while I just have been talking to this other guy, and I want to tell you to please not try to talk to me again." She explained her situation, with a hand behind her head and her eyes wondering the hallway, I suddenly felt strange. 

In my head I was tempted to say, 'good riddance,' but I didn't feel like that would be right. I felt two feelings, deep sadness and jealousy, as well as relief and acceptance. I stand there for some time kind of just looking at her, she fails to ever have her eyes meet with me, not too long after she said her words, she walks off toward my original direction leaving me standing in a little disbelief. This all felt like it happened so fast. I feel like nothing could capture the monotony of random glimpses of high school romance and the speed at which they set.

Stopped in my wake I simply shrug off the encounter, I cannot allow myself to be brought down by some unworthy experience. Though, the question always raises rapidly in my head, 'why did she move on from me?' Maybe all people are like this, but I can't help but wonder what makes me so attached to the question. 

I went through my English class, I went through my music theory class, I went through my health class, and I pass the hallways toward the cafeteria with nothing more than my downcast expression. I'm lost in thought once more, I'm not even paying attention to the hallways that present themselves before me. I want to talk to Jennifer, talking to Jennifer made me understand a little more about myself, maybe she can guide me to answer this question.

Making my way to the lunch table, I stare it down in search of the familiar figure which would be Jennifer, but to no avail she isn't present at the moment. 

I then stand next to Ashley and ask, "May I talk to you?" It is rather sudden of me to ask in such a manner, but I crave my answer.

She looks at me with a puzzled face, "Why?" She asks firmly.

"I wanted to talk to Jennifer about something, but you're the next person in line to ask." I explain.

"What is it though?" She once more asks firmly.

"I'll tell you when we have some more privacy." I speak with impatience.

The other guys are taking glances at Ashley and I as I try to convince her to speak with me in private. I'm urging to understand how to feel about the situation that occurred this morning, and I know that Ashley can at least provide some level of input that maybe I can use to discover my own conclusion.

She gives me a sigh, "Fine." She agrees to my request.

"Thank you." I say under my breath.

I then begin to guide Ashley to the same location that I brought Jennifer. I have come to adore that location, it's quite subtle and in the background. There won't be much interference when trying to talk more personally to someone. I don't rush Ashley with the same urgency that I rushed Jennifer, I don't see the necessity to. I am eager for some insight, and I was quite pushy for her to accept my request, but there is no need to waste more energy on our journey.

We reach the area, same as before, nobody was there. We pass through the cutout and head for the same table I sat with Jennifer in the corner. She takes a seat before I do, since my nervousness had made me stand with my first few words.

"So, about a month or two ago, I had went to the mall with Lynn." I waste little time to start my explanation.

"Take a seat," she commands me, "What happened?" Ashley inquires.

I take a seat as she wishes, "Well, we developed some kind of small connection. I was able to talk to her more comfortably than I usually talk to anyone." I express.

"That's the power of love Johnny." She states quite bluntly.

I become perplexed, I don't know what she is trying to tell me. I continue, "Well, I don't think it's love. I just had some kind of connection, and after that we occasionally talked during class. Though we never hung out again, not at school nor outside of school."

"Why is that?" Ashley continues her questioning.

"Well, I was well too nervous to dare ask her to do something with me-" I explain until Ashley interrupts.

"Who asked to go to the mall?" Ashley interrogates.

"It was her." I say with a trembly voice, "She asked me."

"I can already assume what your issue is." Ashley states, "You can continue."

"Well, today, she told me that she is talking to another guy and she doesn't want me to ever try to talk to her again." I conclude.

"Quite rough of her, but I already know why." Ashley stares me directly in the eyes, "You are too scared Johnny. Girls don't like a guy who takes little initiative, it makes you look like you don't care about her." She stares with what I can assume to be malice. 

"I did care though, I took our one-time hang out seriously and I felt more connected." I state in defense.

"But you did nothing." Ashley raises her voice, "What do you expect to happen when you wait for her to initiate something again?" Ashley tones down once more, "Girls don't like a guy who sits back and waits. It would make her feel like she is doing all the work. She was most likely waiting for you." Ashley then sighs, "That's why she found someone else, girls don't wait as long as guys can for romance." 

"Oh," I say solemnly, "now what do I do?" I ask ambiguously.

"You can't do much about her, it's a lesson to be learned. If you want to get close to a girl, you need to take charge and initiative. Start conversations, ask to hang out, and show interest. If she is interested in you back, then she wouldn't say no without a valid explanation." Ashley explains to me.

'Initiative,' what a funny word. I'm not a person who necessarily takes it in regards to another person. I'm too afraid of trampling over another person's desires. In some cases I take it, asking Jennifer and Ashley for help is taking initiative, but I'm not connected to them on an emotional level and I'm not trampling their needs and desires to the extent I might with someone who I'm romantic with. I don't really understand the idea of romance, I don't really care for it to be honest, I just felt kind of lost as to what happened. I now understand better, no matter what, effort is the true success in any relationship. I can infer that if both sides put in full effort at all times, then they will be able to retain a stable relationship indefinitely. However, if one person falls behind, then that is enough to seal the fate. I don't know Lynn, I don't understand her, I only know that for a little moment I felt some kind of connection. Maybe it wasn't romantic, but maybe it was. I don't know. I still feel hurt that she left in such a way without me discovering more answers, but once again I don't really care. What difference could it make in my life?

"A Shell on Christmas Eve"

Seasons and holidays are a strange concept. Especially when you are young. The fall to winter seasons, or well the second half of the year is filled with notable events. It's almost depressing how spring and summer can feel in comparison. Nothing really happens in the spring and summer, while everything happens in the fall and winter. You start out by beginning a new year in August, then as you adjust there are many small day-offs such as Labor Day, then you have Halloween, then you have Thanksgiving followed by Black Friday. After Thanksgiving, you prepare for Winter Break, which will include Christmas, followed soon by New Year. After all of that, things calm down, really the next big moment might be Valentine's day, but it's less and less important as less and less people care less about romance.

It is now early December, specifically it is the first Thursday of the month. It is also December fourth, which supposedly a special day for me. I turn fifteen today.

"So, Johnny...big fifteen!" It was lunch time, and Miles made a comment about my birthday. However, I was less enthusiastic.

"One more year to adulthood." I don't speak with much excitement, more like dread.

Miles then soon forgets the topic of my birthday, "Yep...so, anyway, I was talking to this tenth grade-"

Ashley interrupts Miles, "Shut up already, how could you move on without the rest of us wishing Johnny a happy birthday?" She scolds him.

"Yeah man, happy birthday." Nathan says to me.

"Happy birthday." Jennifer states with little enthusiasm and her eyes glued to her phone.

"Happy birthday Johnny, you always beat us to the next age." Daniel comments in reference to how early my birthday is in the school year compared to everyone else.

"Yeah, thanks guys." I say with little expression.

"Anyway, what I was saying is that I was able to ask her on a date. Tomorrow after school I'm taking her to the movies!" Miles says with great enthusiasm.

"Oh, so you were talking about tomorrow's inevitable failure." Ashley comments. She has more fire than Jennifer, Jennifer usually hits below the belt and does so without too much expression, while Ashley will batter your face as she chants a war cry.

"Well personally, I think Miles here has been managing girls a lot better than before. I know I've had talks with him." Miles takes a weird look at Daniel as he makes his remark. Daniel is a great compromiser, and oftentimes he defends one of us from the girls in the group. He reminds me of someone like Henry Clay, a fantastic mediator, even though he's not old nor white.

"He handles girls better than me." Nathan adds.

"I still don't think, no matter what you try to say to him Daniel, that he is capable of learning respect." Ashley stares directly at Daniel while speaking her mind.

"You know what, I'm going to prove to you that I can score a girl." Miles states with defiance. He seems to be slightly annoyed which is out of character for him.

Ashley gives him a deep sigh of annoyance. Ashley is fiery, but it's rare to have her make all the doubtful comments without Jennifer. Jennifer seems really off today, she usually presents herself as unempathetic, but she never misses an opportunity to shut someone down like Miles. Ashley seems off too, she's too angry about the situation. She usually is fierce, but not as fierce as this. I am getting very strange feelings from the two today, and it makes me wonder.

I can't help the urge to persist on discovering the underlying tension that changed Ashley and Jennifer that brought passive hostility and total disinterest respectively. I have the option to ignore everything, ignore what I'm speculating and ignore the idea that there is anything wrong. Ignoring can be an attractive option, but my mind is way too curious to stop speculating. I want to theorize what could be happening, I want to attempt this social puzzle.

The knowledge I know about Jennifer is nothing compared to the few things that I am aware of with Ashley. I've known Ashley since middle school, I believe I met her in seventh grade, however back then we barely interacted with each other. I can't tell you what I knew about her back in middle school because I didn't get any time with her. However, in the classes we shared, we always got coincidentally put together. This was pretty much the most exposure we shared, and it allowed us for some understand of at least the surface of each other's personality. However, knowing a little more about her now, I can delve a tiny bit deeper than back then.

I am aware that Ashley's home life isn't desirable. I don't know the exact details, however I do remember that back in middle school, she'd always sign up for extracurricular activities to avoid going home. She also has straight up told me that she doesn't like being at home. Somehow, she's an expert--at least in my mind--at relationships. Though, I am aware that the relationships she has experienced are also less than pleasant. I am unnecessarily elongating my thoughts as to avoid feeling too much discomfort in the subject matter, but it's not very effective.

Nevertheless, I am able to come up with a thesis as to who she might be as a person from the hints I get about her experiences in life. Someone who's indefinitely caught in a crossfire. Ashley does have both of her parents around, which to many here is seen as 'better,' however I don't think they get along. I haven't personally met them, but I have noticed that Ashley's doesn't ever talk about either of them, like they are distant to her, and I believe they are distant to each other too. Ashley gets to go out and do things compared to other girls at her age, she can avoid home a lot more than even I could, maybe she's running away from her parents' conflict. Maybe her parents can't agree on how to properly discipline her.

Ashley's suspected home life can be see as a small analogy on the world state. As a tangent, many parts of the world are war torn. Insurgencies, rebellions, etc. continue to rage on within a country, suppressing many people into their homes. Sometimes these homes can be wiped out in a flash from an unexpected shell or bomb. No matter how small someone's situation may be, the truth is that many people live in some form of constant hell well they can never truly thrive. The human mind is a majestic creation as it can withstand these conflicts. The sheer willpower of our mind allows us to reach beyond our perceived abilities and push through some of the worst conditions man has ever faced. 

Ashley's problems are not inferior to anyone else's. Hell, I don't have confirmation on anything I've speculated. Ashley is an example of something forgotten in our lives; people who live in hell. We forget about how terrible life really is. Our country is a piece of shit, but it's the best of the worst in many ways. However, our country has a hypocritical philosophy of independence when true independence can never exist. I hate to see Ashley's clear distraught, she isn't very good at hiding the fact that she's in pain. She speaks sternly to sound strong, she is quick-witted to sound impenetrable, and she is cold to seem like she stands on some kind of high ground. But she's not on any high ground. I just hope she can heal in any way. I kind of hope the world as a whole could fix something about itself, even the very smallest things. Ultimately, that is just a dream, a wish that cannot be granted. If the world is cold, so will I be.