who I am is not who I want to be
The year 2019
My throat tightens. I have to force myself to breathe, but it feels like the air is trapped. I realize that I am sweating, and I feel strangely hot, even though It is a Cool day. What is wrong with me? I ask myself. Nothing is even happening. I am perfectly Safe then; Why am I still like this? It feels as if I am unable to breathe. I feel suffocated despite the fact I am still very clearly Breathing.
A delivery man is outside my door. He is about to ring the doorbell, and my younger sister: Rin opens the door. That delivery man gives a parcel to her. My sister comes inside and tells me that a Parcel came for me.The parcel has my name written on it. I have opened the parcel, it seems like a gift for me. Karma has sent this gift of diary to me.
The gift which I am holding right now is making me feel so lonely. I feel as if I am empty from inside. It is as if nothing really matters anymore and no one really cares about me. I feel as if I try so hard to connect with Karma, but I find myself alone in a room full of people. I feel like she does not want me around and, she is not really bothered about my existence. I feel like I do not have her to talk to or turn to. It drains me. It is as if she does not understand me, nor She is there for me when I need her.
I am in danger. Something is off. Something is about to happen. I am not safe.
I have received a warning in the form of a gift. A Warning before a calamity. A hint that is given to me by her before she officially drags me into the exploitation phase. She gave me a chance to escape from her revenge game. She is all along leaving the traces for me.
The diary that I am holding right now has its first page already used by her. It has a warning for me that, seems like a maze of emotion at the present moment. The first page of the diary has a message for me.
The diary has a message in it:
I want to let it all out and let you know about this that:
" Who I am is not who I want to be. "
" Forgive Me for being who I am. "
" Back to the time, we used to do bug bounty hunting together, and I got you running in circles in my favorite Ice cream parlors. I am sorry for being a burden on you and for wasting your time. There is still so much here, a life worth living waiting ahead for you. Every sin I carve is everlasting. I have lost in this maze of emotion. Do not get me wrong, but I just want you to be happy. And now, I am trying to leave everything all behind so you can live a happy life."
After reading this, I am sweating, feeling nausea creeping in, my head feels dizzy. I start becoming uncomfortable, insecure, anxious. What if She is going to leave me? I hear the thought. What if she said the wrong thing? What if she hates me? What if she never replies? My Emotions do not allow me to think, to rationalize anything I feel.
I am going to be all alone. Wait, what if something happened to her? My thoughts are screaming at me, coming in faster than I can cope with. My thoughts are suddenly breaking by the sound of my phone buzzing.
I am trembling as I open the text which Karma, sent me.
Have you received the parcel?
I sigh and wonder what is wrong with me.
I replied to her:
yes, I have. I am coming to meet you.
I acted like a blind man and ignored every warning. Although, she did not want to lose me. It always hurt more to put on a brave face and lie. That Purple Diary that is given to me, I put that in my bag. It was not a gift for me but a warning before a calamity. It is so nostalgic maybe all the love is worth the pain.
After putting the diary in my bag, I wear my coat and start to move downstairs. I am outside my home and walking toward Karma's home.
The sky seems gloomy. It has started to drizzle now. After few minutes It has started to rain. I have started to run toward Karma's home without taking an umbrella. I have reached her place. I am drenched. I knocked at her door.
She opened the door and said:
Why are you drenched?
Where is your umbrella?
She gives me a towel to make myself dry and brings a cup of coffee for me. I have not taken a sip from that cup. I am continually starting her.
My voice is trembling and, I shouted at her and said:
" You wanna leave, but I will stop you. What can I do to make you stay with me for always? "
While breathing heavily, I said this:
" I am so full of weaknesses without you. Because I have met you, that is why I am strong. You are not a sinner. Nobody knows who their real selves are. Losing and finding things in the middle of this long, long road but, I am not willing to lose you. My world will flip upside down without you. I may lose my way a little But, I will walk, I will walk with you. That is the one thing I will never change. "
She seems relieved as if some repulsive, unpleasant, or distressing has not happened or has got to an end.
Karma said to me:
Thank you, Zack, for staying by my side.
I have an overwhelming feeling of impending doom and a strong gut feeling that something is wrong, but I have no idea what.
What is wrong with me? I ask myself. Nothing is even happening, I'm perfectly safe. why am I still like this?
I am in my imagination and thinking that I can figure how to unlock the next door to her heart.
I bleed on this path I am leading. But I cannot turn my back, because It is my destiny. Hazel: the cat that I gave to Karma as a gift starts to rub itself around me. While I'm in the middle of an argument with Karma, hazel is looking at me with his eyes slanted as if he is disgust that I am not paying attention to it. I silently moved toward the door and returned.
(Features of Zack Erwin:
Skin Tone: Beige
Characteristics of skin tone: Light or fair skin, can freckle and can become light tan after repeated sun exposure (but the risk of getting a sunburn or skin peeling is high)
Hair: He had Auburn (reddish) hair and was a little bit Electrified.
Hair Texture: Soft and lush
Descriptive Hair Color: Auburn (reddish)
Eye: Earthy/ brown: The word “earthy” is associated with accessibility, being down to earth, and most importantly, the color brown. If you are also describing a person whose eyes seem kind, this can also be the most appropriate word to use.
Cheeks: delicately timid cheeks
Chin: Pointy Chin
Jaw: Triangular jawline
Nose: Turned-Up Nose )