Another reason to hate me

He suspected me.

Tatsuya suspected me of being a murderer. I was more shocked than insulted, partially because it was true and mostly because he was the one who had always seemed to have the highest opinion of me.

“What do you mean?”

Something closed around my throat but his hands were nowhere near me. I patted my neck just to be sure and realised I was on the verge of another panic attack.

“I'm sorry. I know how that sounds but – back then – Ras said he saw a white phoenix before and after he was attacked by you,” he said, still unable to meet my gaze. “If he had said white bird, I might not have thought much of it but a white phoenix is very specific and you –”

There were only so many lies I could – and wanted – to tell. I didn't want to lie to him of all people but –

“What if he is?” I asked, struggling to keep both my breathing and smile steady.

“What?” He looked up at me.

“What is Ras is telling the truth?” I ploughed on. “What if I really did try to kill him that night? What if I really am the one who killed Toshi's father and all of those other people? What would you do, Tatsu?”

“Please don't joke with me right now.” Tatsuya shook his head but the emotion that emanated from him was distress, not denial.

Despite his words, he would believe me if I confirmed Ras' story. Was it because he still didn't view as a liar after everything? Or was it because I had somehow given him a reason to believe that I was just as capable of taking lives as I was saving them.

“What would you do right now if I wasn't joking?” My heart pulsed at the based of my throat. I could barely get the words past it. “Would you hand me over to the Inquisitors? Or maybe to Ras?”

“No,” he said, faster than he should have.

“Would you tell the others and decide what to do about me together then?” I closed my eyes briefly but that only made their disappointed expressions more vivid in my thoughts.

“I won't tell them anything.”

I peeked at him through one pair of eyelids for a moment and, although his face was stiff and unhappy-looking, he didn't appear to be lying.

“What then?” I took a step towards him and thanked my feet for managing my weight properly during such a tense moment. “Would you still leave Nippo with me? Even though I would have been lying to you and the others for years? Even though you would have no idea why I killed those people?”

“Yes,” he said.

I hadn't realised a single word could be this powerful, enough to rattle my own.

“Why would you do that?” I pointed at his chest. “Because I'm your friend? Because you have feelings for me?”

His hand closed around mine, his index and thumb encircling my extended finger like a necklace.

“That's right,” he said. “It's because I know the white phoenix who kept me company when I was at my lowest would never abandon someone in danger. Because the girl called Shizuka always valued lives, even when those people did things to devalue themselves. So if you did kill those people, it must have been because someone else was in danger. Someone who deserved it less.”

“And that would make it okay?” My morals might have been questionable but I never thought I would doubt his too.

“Of course not,” he said with a pained smile. “But I'll stay with you anyway and help you make it right.”

“You really think something like that can ever be made right?” It was hard to face the flickering light in his eyes, knowing I had been the one to blow on that flame first.

“I don't know but I'm happy to find the answer to that with you,” he admitted. “I'm sure it's one of the reasons why the word redemption exists, although we might have to ask Aoto about that.”

At this point, he had to know the truth. All he needed was for me to confirm it.

“Let's talk about this later,” I said, pushing him towards the door with my fist against his heartbeat. “Once we're out of Nippo. Take that time to think about everything you just said to me.”

“I have thought about it,” he said but didn't resist as I opened the door and gently forced him out through the doorway.

“If you want to tell the others about this conversation, you can,” I said, withdrawing my hand. “They deserve to draw their own conclusions about me.”

“Shizu.” He stopped the door from closing fully, his expression softening as soon as I looked up at him. “I won't tell them anything. It's your story to tell, not mine.”

I nodded but he wasn't finished yet.

“I know now why I never saw the phoenix again after you fell,” he said slowly, leaning towards the crack in the doorway and keeping his voice down to a near whisper. “To be honest, I should have put the two together sooner but up until now I thought the phoenix might have been the real murderer and that they had seen what happened to you.”

“Well, you weren't wrong,” I huffed.

“So, all this time, I believed that I had been spending all that time with a murderer and I always wondered what I would do if I ever met them again. I've had a lot of time to think about it. Now I know.” Some of the hurt trickled from his smile as he straightened up. “Let me know if you need anything before we go, Shizu. I won't be far.”

He walked away towards the closest door and smiled faintly at me again as he entered the room. I shut the door to my own and leaned back against it for the moment, tempted to slump down on the spot as I came down from the adrenaline rush. I took a moment to fix my breathing pattern from shallow and rapid to deep and controlled, rubbing my face with both hands.

As I tottered towards the bed that someone had remade for me, I wondered what I had done to deserve Tatsuya. Was it because I had helped all of those people in the past? Or because I had gone through so much in my second life? Was it a sign that I could seek forgiveness for my sins and move on in life even if I didn't truly regret them?

I sat down heavily on the edge of the mattress and dropped onto my back, hardly seeing the wooden framework above me. I frowned. Something had caught my eye on the way down. A piece of folded parchment resting atop one of Aoto's plump pillows. I rolled over and brought it towards me, flinching as something fell from its folds. I sat up as soon as I read the simple message written on the paper, light-headed, and touched the lock of straw-coloured hair next to me on the bed. It read:

Come to the Spiritless Tree alone unless you want to find out whether Toshiko can survive the Jaw too.

- - -

It would have been difficult to remember how to get to the Spiritless Tree by foot and impossible to leave the village undetected.

I flew as high as I dared to avoid wandering eyes and hoped that muscle memory would guide me to where Toshi had been taken, praying I wouldn't arrive too late.

The beautiful buildings that seemed to flow like a river below were separated into different districts, marked by the colour of their brickwork and the design of their rooftops. Some belonged to artisans and engineers. Others to scholars and teachers. I flew over the golden brown buildings that had once been owned by Tatsuya's parents who taught their students martial arts and some form of weapon wielding.

Inner Town wasn't as divided by power class as Outer Town had been, opting instead to work and trade with each other for the benefit of all who lived in the innermost ring of the village. Trusting anyone was much too risky for the people trying to survive in its outlying segment. More often than not, a gentle hearted gestured lead to losing everything you owned, including your life.

It reminded me of the world I had lived in after I left this one, yet I had dealt the least damage in both places. I wondered why that was as I crossed the wall and followed the river that I had spotted from the safety of Kohaku's arms little more than a day ago until I reached the beginning of the forest.

The journey there was quicker by air and I had yet another magnificent view of the sun as it began to follow its own path towards the horizon, bathing the clouds in a brilliant red light that I hoped wasn't too prophetic. It seemed like the fog from the Jaw rose at this time of the day, covering the space between the ravine and the forest thickly. The top branches of the Spiritless Tree seemed to signal me like desperate arms and I started to glide towards the ground.

It didn't take me long to notice the group of people standing at its base, one of them tied up much like I had been ten years ago, the others keeping watch.

“There she is!” I recognised Ras' voice instantly but only managed to make out his features, and the expression of those present, once I was a few meters away. “I knew it.”

I transformed right before I touched down, my clenched hands hidden within my sleeves as I strode towards them. Toshi's eyes widened above the white cloth wrapped around her lower face as I gave her yet another reason to hate me.

“I'm here,” I said, stopping several long steps away. “You can let her go now.”

Two Inquisitors stood on either side of Ras and Toshi, and a man who carried himself like the one in charge of the operation, their hands outstretched as if they thought they could fend off the fog. No, that wasn't right. It was more like –

“Why would we let her go before you've told her the truth?” said Ras, pointing a new walking stick at me.

“Truth?”

It was difficult to count how many of them were in the area and I suspected that was by design too. My palms started sweating but I had no clue whether I possessed the kind of fire power needed to take them all out without Toshi getting caught in the crossfire.

“She deserves to know who killed her father,” said Ras. “Before his murderer dies for sure this time.”