Evening. I was sitting on Mr Morales’ couch while he was working on his laptop in his room. I just finished washing the dishes and cleaning the table.
I decided to walk around the condo, but I didn’t expect to find anything. I went to the kitchen; there was nothing of note there. The kitchen looked the same except for the newly washed dishes drying on the dish rack beside the sink. I decided to check inside Mr Morales’ refrigerator; filled with the usual boring foods. I checked the washroom; nothing. I checked the room with the bath; nothing. I checked the laundry room; nothing. I checked the room I was staying in; nothing. I thought about checking Mr Morales’ room, but I didn’t want to disturb him; nothing.
The only other option I had was to go onto the balcony. So, I slid the door open and stepped outside. Like everything else, the balcony was the same; barren except for the black garden table set. I went towards the railings of the balcony and slightly leaned forward on them. The sky was… dark. The air was… cool. This Summer evening was typical.
I lowered my body, supporting myself by holding onto the railings.
From where I was, the city of Tronito looked the same. My view of the city was a large assortment of different-sized buildings, a large bridge over a large body of water, and a decent view of Cente Tower. This view was gorgeous when I first laid eyes on it, but after a week or so of awing, the sight lost all appeal. I desperately wanted to explore this beautiful city, but… I couldn’t.
I went back inside and sat back on the couch.
I was… bored. There was nothing to do, and nothing interesting was happening. But I really shouldn’t complain. Boredom… is such a trivial issue. I could easily keep myself busy with something, but I didn’t.
I leaned my face on my hands, covering my eyes.
Nothing in this world is free — I knew the truth all too well.
This feeling… It felt very wrong. Guilt… I was feeling guilty again. I knew that I tried to curb this guilt by suggesting that I become Mr Morales’ personal housekeeper, but that attempt was feeble. I mean, becoming a housekeeper for an empty condo with only one resident? That’s like an amateur sportsman trying to join a team of pros — useless.
My hands were now resting on the back of my downcast head. I knew that if this continued, I'd look bad for Mr Morales. But, I couldn’t help it — my head was overflowing with these damaging thoughts.
I know that I’m just a toy — a plaything — a pet — a tool that people use to placate their sexual desires… This was a fact through and through… And what happens to a toy when it serves no purpose? It’s thrown out — discarded — abandoned…
The issue is not Mr Morales, but me… Why? Because I’m… worthless. Indeed, this guilt is being caused because the only thing that I’m good at is sex — I’m mediocre at everything, but sex is the only thing that I excel at. If Mr Morales won't use this tool for its specified purpose, then it should just be discarded. Otherwise, it’s just freeloading — collecting dust — taking up space… Gaaah!
What the hell is wrong with Mr Morales!? Does he not have any sexual desire!? I’m someone willing to do anything — and I mean anything for him, but he asks for nothing. Yes, he does nothing but work, work, and work! He is… a robot. He is just a dog. His will is the will of the people that command him… But what right do I have to judge him? In reality, someone like that is quite admirable. Someone that can ignore their personal feelings for the sake of contributing to a better society… I’m a bit envious; I always strive for that ability, but it’s always too much for me.
I wanted to scream aloud, but I knew that doing so would only cause trouble.
Here, I’m just so useless! Useless! Useless! Useless!
I drove my head deeper into my lap. I think I was trying to hide from this truth, but it was futile. As I did, I felt something — tears started to form and roll down my cheeks. Why am I crying? Sure, the truth is hard to swallow, but it won't change no matter how much emotion I show.
After a few minutes, I think I calmed down. My face was wet from my silent cry so I quickly wiped them with my sweater sleeves.
I think I need to leave. The condo was nice and the view of the city was spectacular, but I think I’m just going to leave. Unless something changes, Mr Morales has no use for me.